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Now I Will Never Be Ryan Seacrest

Updated on February 20, 2007

No Ryan Seacrest For Me

Yet another chapter of my memoir, The Greatest Never Was Been There's Ever Been, wrote itself yesterday when I botched an opportunity to work for the E! Network. I admit it was all my fault for being honest but it's times like these I wish I was a little less honest and a little more evil. Problem is, I'm not Satan, I just play him on the Internet. Oh well, I still have my pride. Wait a minute, I lost my pride years ago; I don't even have that! I have nothing but you people out there in the dark (Dear God, I'm becoming Norma Desmond from Sunset Boulevard, I'm ready for my close up Mr. Spielberg). You would think that me of all people would be able to lie, scratch and claw his way to the top or at least the low middle, wouldn't you? But it all went horribly wrong in a five minute conversation with a casting person from E! And now I'll never be Ryan Seacrest - Don't Get Me Started!

(Read more from Scott at )

E! has a portion of their website known as Planet Gossip where they broadcast shows. There are two hosts and sometimes they go to their correspondents from around the world. Well, I was being considered for the Las Vegas correspondent position but here's the problem, and I know this will shock all of you; I'm not in the social circle that would be invited when Paris Hilton comes to town. I've lived in Vegas for almost eight years now and the only people I'm connected with are my guy, my cats and my parents. I know, I know that I'm letting most of you down and you may never want to read my blog again but there I've said it, I've purged myself of my guilt over being a never was been and I'm a better person for it, well, sort of.

My favorite part of the interview was when I dropped the bombshell that finding out the latest gossip was something I just wasn't connected to nor could I be considered to be included with the "in" crowd. I tried to explain that I'm in the business of commentating on celebrities not breaking the news after dressing up like a busboy or paying one off to find out whether Mike Tyson had a rare or medium rare steak last night at a swanky eatery. The exec from E! said, "Well, I appreciate your candor." Let me break this down for you, the word "candor" when used in Hollywood means you didn't get the job and I can't believe you didn't lie to me and let us figure out that you only know the baristas at Starbucks after you were working for us. I supposed I should have lied but I just couldn't do it. Why? I'm a really good liar, why couldn't I lie when I needed to?

I'd like to think it's because I didn't want to have any parts in killing Princess Diana. I know what you're thinking, how could a taped segment with a web cam appearing on a web site be even remotely linked to the death of a princess from over ten years ago? Well, that's how my mind works. You see as much as I would love to work for E! or any other network in almost any capacity (offers? Contact me at immediately) I just don't think I can be one of those people lurking around in the dark hoping that I spot Naomi Campbell throwing a cell phone at someone. Would I love to interview people, sure, but it's all that "Here's a scoop you've all been waiting for, I got into the club and got closer to see what Lindsay Lohan was drinking when all of a sudden she threw up all over my shoes. Yes, the shoes with her vomit still staining them are on EBay right now for sale. I also took the shoes to a lab and they confirmed that she had eaten a Three Musketeers bar earlier in the day."

Regrets? I've had a few but then again too many to mention. And losing this opportunity with the E! channel will be another one for the list, I suppose. I know I would be great on their "rant" section or commenting on the craziness that is current day Hollywood and celebrities but I guess I'll be waiting a little longer for my big break. Now I'll never be Ryan Seacrest - Don't Get Me Started!

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