Old pictures, old feelings, oh my God
So I was going through a bunch of old photos last night. I don't know about you and your family but my family seems to have documented every moment of everyone's life in photographs. We have so many and some are so old of relatives whose names we can't even remember that it sort of reminds me of a time when Michael and I were in a kitchy little store in Philly and they had a basket of old photos. There was a sign on the basket that read, "Instant Relatives." Well, I don't need to buy anymore relatives as I have a ton (living and dead) and apparently everything they ever did was documented on film. But as I went through the photos I have at my house looking for a couple of specific ones, I was surprised at my reaction to what I was seeing. Old pictures, old feelings, oh my God - Don't Get Me Started!
I know that when most people look at photos of old times they may get a bit nostalgic but as with so much of my life, I did not have the typical reaction. Sure, I thought about people I've fallen out of touch with and where they were or wondered if I was ever that thin or even questioned what I was wearing but more than anything I looked at myself in all those old photos and thought that I really haven't changed all that much (on the inside). I know it may not be a popular thing to say or the "right" thing to say but I don't think that I've changed all that much as a person over the years. I'd like to think that I've "grown" become more understanding, patient and whatever the hell else I'm supposed to have learned but when I look at those photos I realize that if I'm completely honest with myself, I haven't really evolved all that much.
Sure, some of the photos that depict a specific time and place gave me the feeling that I can only describe in terms of being like a movie. If it was in a movie, I would be looking at the photo and then I would get sucked into some weird vortex that actually placed me inside the picture (which would have fallen to the ground as I was now in the picture and couldn't be in the photo and holding it at the same time, right?). In these cases I remember exactly what I was thinking or feeling when the photo was taken and the emotions flood into every pore of my being. Yet there are some that could be of someone else. I can't really remember the photo, when it was taken, why or who took the photo or anything else about it for that matter. Still there is a third category of some photos that I remember from the photo itself but not the actual event. You know, like the photos of you as a baby. You remember seeing the photo your entire life but you don't really recall that bib and how it felt around your neck or why you're wearing the "Today I Am An Angel" side of the bib instead of the reverse side that read, "Today I Am A Devil."
Okay, so all ready I guess that I'm wrong, that in fact this was a form of nostalgia but not nostalgia in the sense of wishing for those times back or thinking, "Wow, I really have gotten smarter since this photo." No, I've stayed pretty much the same, untouched by life events or books I've read. I've learned nothing. I'm a fossil that has been preserved in a rock that is my head, untouched by the outside forces that are supposed to shape, mold and change you. I'm just Scott. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, really it's just what it is. I know that I'm glad to have all these photos and I enjoy looking at them I just wonder if I'm missing something by not having a sense that I've "come a long way baby." Old pictures, old feelings, oh my God - Don't Get Me Started!
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