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Passover Easter Christians

Updated on April 5, 2007

Christians Should Passover Easter - Don't Get Me Started!

There's no denying that when it comes to the battle of the holidays, Christmas will always win over Hanukkah. Christians have the birth of their savior and we have the fact that we only paid for one night of oil and it lasted eight nights. So between the facts, the trees and the sidewalks, busy sidewalks, dressed in holiday style, you Christians win that one. But I have to say (and we all know that my facts on anything other than classic movie lines or lyrics to musical theatre songs are shaky at best) when it comes to the spring holidays, Christians should Passover Easter - Don't Get Me Started!

Passover has the whole great story about the Pharaoh in Egypt keeping us Jews as slaves until Moses works with God on sending down the ten plagues (don't ever forget that we built the pyramids with only water, dirt and a little straw and they're still standing...see, it's not that we don't know how to do manual labor with great workmanship it's that we've been there done that and frankly, we're not doing it again). Finally with the help of God, Moses softens Pharaoh's heart and he lets us go (of course not in time to finish baking so that's why we have the matzo or unleavened bread for Passover that let me just say could bind you up until Christmas if you're not careful.) For those who don't know, the final plague was when Pharaoh tried to kill the first male born of every Jew and instead of his gang being able to do it to us, God sent a plague to kill the first Egyptian born instead. The plague itself wasn't all that smart so we had to smear lamb's blood over the doors of us Jews so that the plague would know to go to our goyish neighbors. Worked great and we were out of there (we Jews like to focus on the positive so at Passover we talk about the bondage and being freed - not the forty years we wandered around looking for a good buffet after the whole "Let my people go" thing - thanks a lot Moses!)

But when it comes to Easter, Jesus rising from the dead apparently wasn't enough for the Christians or merchandisers so it's now more about chicks and ducks and geese (which is more about a Surrey With The Fringe On Top - a song from the musical Oklahoma) than about the rising of the savior. I guess in some esoteric way they've taken the rebirth of Jesus and broadened its appeal to a holiday about the renewal of nature in the spring and of course, when we're talking renewal, it would be in bad taste to talk about people fornicating and creating babies so they use the euphemisms for it by representing it with bunnies (bunnies = fornicating) and eggs (eggs = women's eggs that are invaded by sperm to make babies) which won't cut down on pregnancies with youths but at least we can say that we've "started the conversation" and isn't that the politically correct thing to do?

At Passover we Jews sit around the table and tell the story of our struggles in Egypt and celebrate the victory of being freed from slavery and of course eat. While the Christians look for eggs in a garden. Now the only way they could kind of shake things up is if they took a tip from The Wizard of Oz. (If you're gay or have lived on the planet for more than ten minutes you'll know what scene I'm talking about.) Remember how Dorothy has tried to grab an apple from the tree ("She was hungry!" "She was hungry!" exclaim the trees as they come to life) and Dorothy and the Scarecrow get pummeled with apples by the trees? She goes to pick them off the ground and suddenly finds a man made of tin (which by the way, you haven't lived until you go to a movie theater filled with gays watching this movie because when Judy Garland says, "Why it's a man! A man made out of tin!" - the gays go crazy! And I don't really know why) Well, that's what I think they need to do with Easter, as the kids are all scrambling around looking for the dyed eggs (which incidentally are going to give everyone cancer - think red dye number 4, remember?) if one of them came across Jesus' sandal like Dorothy comes across the Tin Man's foot and they're like, "Why it's a man, a savior, a dead man reborn...Jesus has risen, let's go off to see the Wizard or at least the catholic priest who will hopefully not molest us or make us feel so bad about ourselves that we'll need to spend years and years in therapy." (True, you'll have a little trouble singing, "We're off to see the Wizard" with those lyrics but the Christians will figure it out. After all, if they could figure out the Hallelujah Chorus lyrics, "in egg shells, day-o" they can figure this one out.)

I'm just saying that if you don't sort of spruce up the Easter holiday (as suggested above) then let's face it, it's nothing more than some artificial grass in a basket with a chocolate bunny that you're going to eat the ears off of like some deranged cannibal. We've got the whole slaves to Great Race participants (to get the hell out of Egypt) and a meal with real symbolism not just, "Hmmm, well, we can't really sell Jesus in chocolate (see blog What's not sweet about a chocolate Jesus? ) I know, let's make it about bunnies, chicks and eggs!" I'm pretty sure that's why they made the traditional Easter dinner ham, the Christians we're just trying to shove it in our face because they're jealous that our spring holiday is better than theirs (you know how competitive those Christians can be in the name of the father, the son and the Holy Ghost). Well, we win this one, yarmulkes down. Christians should Passover Easter - Don't Get Me Started!

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      Cory Zacharia 10 years ago

      You may really, really enjoy this, Scott ~

    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 10 years ago from Las Vegas

      Humor is the root of all happiness! Well, at least for me. Thanks for reading, commenting and I'm glad I made you laugh. Sometimes in the blogosphere it can't get pretty lonely. You don't know who or if anyone is even reading so thank you.

      And Heather, I can't even imagine the whole Easterducken thing. Thank you for grossing me out. Peeps are one of the few things that scare me in life. Their color, their consistency and the fact that they will be the only thing to survive a nuclear holocaust!

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      Cory Zacharia 10 years ago

      You know what? I have spent the morning soul-searching, since commenting. I feel bad, because I impulsively wrote that. I did laugh, Scott. You have an incredible gift for humor. Let's not shoot ourselves in the foot. The one thing that is most true in ethnic humor is that it's funniest when you're laughing with and at your own people, or at least laughing at them first (think of Chris Rock and Carlos Mencía.) And of course you know, Sacha Baron Cohen is devoutly Jewish, observing the Sabbath and keeping a kosher diet, and may have earned the right to take on the role of baiting anti-semitism in order to journalistically root it out. You could rule the world with the right material. I apologize to any person of the Christian faith who i may have offended. I meant no harm.

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      Cory Zacharia 10 years ago

      I just stumbled here and am laughing so hard, i can't get up.

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      Heather Ross 10 years ago

      Well, there is the Easterducken -- an Arizona Jewish creation, inspired by the Turducken of Louisiana. You know, the turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken? We had it for Thanksgiving a couple of years ago. It's a little scary.

      What in God's name is an Easterducken? It's a hollow bunny that has been dremeled apart and filled with peeps that have been stuffed with chocolate eggs. The bunny is then surgically melted back together. Voila...the Easterducken. If you're clever, you could even make it yourself from scratch so that it could be kosher for Passover.

      Now tell me that doesn't spruce up Easter just a bit!