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People Who Steal Sections From Newspapers From Starbucks

Updated on April 9, 2007

Don't Just Steal Sections, Take The Whole Newspaper! - Don't Get Me Started!

It will come as no surprise to anyone that I don't read the newspaper. I get all of my news from television and the Internet. I don't know if that makes me more evolved or just able to read what I want to read. It's a little like reading only the good reviews when you're in a show. If you don't look at the bad ones then they don't really exist in your mind. However, my guy loves to read the paper so every Monday, Friday and Sunday when I get my Starbucks I grab the paper for him and have it on the table waiting for him. (And some say chivalry and romance are dead) So yesterday I pick up the paper at Starbucks and much like a drug dealer can feel how many twenties are in the wad without counting (I'm only guessing) the paper felt, "light" to me. So I look at the directory on the front, then go through to see if I have every section from "A" to "M" (remember when that was a record label?) and sure enough several sections are missing. Don't just steal sections, take the whole newspaper! - Don't Get Me Started!

Now you know that the Starbucks environment is supposed to cool, sophisticated, have that goodwill toward men feeling all the time and charge you outrageous money for what I'm sure is the crack laced coffee they sell that is so addicting. Why in this holy temple of all that is supposed to be right with the world, would someone steal sections of the paper? I get that some people are in there on a Sunday morning and want to read the paper with their coffee and I'm good with that, but why not take the whole paper, give sections out to those that want them and read away. Don't try to slyly put a half of a newspaper back on the bottom of the stack because someone (usually me) is going to get that half of paper. Don't these people know about Karma or the big Jell-o bowl theory of my brother's that I talked about last week? (read it here Using Return Address Labels That Charities Send )

This whole incident reminds me of a roommate of mine that would never admit that they ate things like mayonnaise (they had the weirdest shit like Nayonaise - some herbal, soy and yuck thing that was supposed to resemble mayonnaise but be good for you at the same time). So I would buy my mayonnaise and when I would look into the refrigerator it would appear as if the jar was still full but under further examination (taking the lid off) you could see that they had burrowed their way into the mayonnaise down the center (drilling out the core) so that from the outside it looked full but when you got into it, there was nothing left but a thin coating around the jar to give it the appearance of being full.

Here's the deal, if you do this kind of shit, burrowing through your roommate's mayonnaise, stealing sections out of the paper then you are most definitely on a one way ticket to hell. It's that plain and simple. The fact that this happened on Easter when Jesus rose up just makes it all the worse for whoever did this to another human being. I know some of you are thinking right now, "What is this something to get upset about?" (Let me translate for the non-Jews, "Why are you upset about this?") But the thing is that we're not talking about the classified section being gone because someone who is out of work is looking for a job and couldn't afford the paper. No, we're talking the real estate section and the "Living" section which is the section that has all the entertainment stuff in it. (Something that I have never understood. The entertainment stuff is in the "Living" section when we don't fund the arts at all yet on Sundays it's part of how we live supposedly)

Now I'm a take from behind the front milk (soy) in the grocery store kind of guy (and if my mother has taught me nothing else it's to keep digging until you get a "good date" on your dated foods - don't take the one in the front that has a date that is going to hit this week, dig through to the back and get one that has a date for a week from now). So the paper that I took was the one that was underneath the other ones. This is a tip for everyone, look for "good dates", take things from behind but always check them out first to make sure they have everything you want. (To all you gays who couldn't help but let your mind go right to gutter during that last sentence, good for you)

Incidentally, I did make the Starbucks team aware of the "light paper and as I was walking out I saw a young couple getting out of their BMW for their morning coffee. There was a cup on the ground that someone had just left there and as the guy from the couple got around the front of the car, it hit his foot. He just stepped over the cup, never even thinking about picking it up. And that ladies and gentlemen is what's wrong with the world today. If you see litter, pick it up (you don't need to be Naomi Campbell on your work furlough to know this) because the little things we do actually do matter. So pick up litter and for God sake, don't just steal sections, take the whole newspaper! - Don't Get Me Started!

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