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Queer Jew Eye For The Straight KKK Guys

Updated on February 7, 2007

The KKK Extreme Makeover!

According to an online interview I watched with a CNN reporter and the Grand Wizard (or whatever he calls himself) of the KKK, their newest tactic for recruiting members is using the whole illegal immigration issue and apparently it is working. They're choosing to not really talk so much about gays, blacks and Jews (I am a short Jewish boy and my guy of eighteen years is a six foot black man who was an altar boy, can you see how we are THE poster children for hate crimes?). Instead it's all about those immigrants. And while I'm sure many new organizations will discuss the political and social ramifications of the KKK and their recent surge in membership, I'd like to focus on something far more important. If they really want to add members, it's time to update their look or as I like to say, time for some Queer Jew Eye for the KKK - Don't Get Me Started!

In the same interview they spoke with an ex-hater and he was talking about how mostly the membership is comprised of white males under the age of twenty-five. He stated that they feel disenfranchised because according to him, politicians never speak to them and they basically are just looking to belong. Well, here's a thought, since we gays can't be in the military, whaddya say we pack up all these obviously straight boys under 25 who want to belong and let them fight the ridiculous war for the one politician who only talks to white people, George W. Bush?! But once again I must remind myself that I'm not here to talk about the political or social issues associated with the KKK.

Here's the deal. The Grand Wiseass or whoever he is, was wearing this all satiny kind of purple and green number that was just hideous. He looked as though he was in a community theater production of Harry Potter - The Musical. Sure it hides all his bulges but that satin was catching the light like crazy, making him look as big as a house. Imagine a housecoat gone wrong. And what is the deal with the whole long housecoat, and then there's Maude look? I mean can you really comfortably hold a cross, lighter fluid, matches and run across a lawn with that thing on?

While the Grand Whippet has problems with his outfit, the underlings have it much worse off. I mean don't their slaves; I'm sorry I mean wives and girlfriends know how to put a lining into those gowns? I mean, they're see-through and not in a good way. You're sure to see some of the plaid flannel underneath and it just distracts from the clean look. The belts are another story; they seem so last minute and not well thought out at all. I mean imagine if you will, you've just lit a cross on fire, you're shimmying under a fence to get away and your loosely tied belt gets caught. Is there anything more embarrassing? Sure it's fun to sit around the clubhouse and make fun of the new guy whose belt caught on fire at last week's cross burning but there are some better solutions.

Distracting from both the Queen Bee and his Drones' outfits are the patches all over and the stripes on the sleeves. The patches remind me of Girl Scouts but the KKK misses the mark again by not going with a sash like the cookie girls. I don't know what you get the patches for, probably for doing deeds like clubbing black gay baby seals. I imagine the Grand Goober pulling the patches out of his black bag much like the Wizard of Oz (Much like Dorothy, there's nothing in that black bag for us). The stripes on the sleeve are reminiscent of those Trekkie people (Yes, sue me, you're Trekkie and not Tekkers - besides it's the same damn thing crazies!) who create their own starship and give themselves stripes for being captains, commanders and other "c" words.

We all know that shoes make the man and while many people will tell you they need to match your little cap I say be daring and don't match your shoes to your pointy little head. White shoes are so hard to keep clean and if the Grand Wuss had to wear purple satin shoes to go with his outfit he'd either have to go for "dyeables" pumps or elf shoes with the little curl up in the front action which wouldn't really be all that practical. Lord knows you need something with some good traction as you do have to do a lot of running away in the middle of the night but at the same time you may want to have steel toes because if a cross falls on your foot you're out of commission longer than an NBA player with a groin pull. Take a tip from the lesbians and make them comfortable but definitely not Birkenstocks because then you have to try to match socks too.

When it comes to grooming, let me just shake my head at all the goatees. Goatees are perhaps the gayest thing in the history of male facial hair and we were done with them years ago (well, most of us, you know who you are). Plus, take a look at the little devil on the Underwood Deviled Ham, hello, I think there's a goatee there. Try to remember that we gays, Jews and blacks are the devil (according to you) so you should probably try to look a little less like the devil, don't ya think? Meanwhile, you need to go immediately to Wal-Mart and buy the whole gang Crest White Strips. I mean, the ones that do have teeth have some of the worst teeth in the world so at least whiten those bad boys up because we all know that when you wear true white it's going to make your teeth look more yellow.

And now for the makeover...I have to say, based on all your activities, I would suggest jumpsuits. Now I know some of you are thinking that they will bind in the crotch but it's all in the fabric choice. For those that are self-conscious (we don't want this to become like the models, killing themselves to be thin so that they can be one) think of them more as coveralls. They'll go over all two pants and three shirts you own and the belt is attached so no worries there either. A simple zip of the zipper; you're ready for your rally and when you unzip it, simply arch your back and it will slide right down like the moonshine you drank before the rally! I'm thinking time for a color change so let's make the regular members red with a black stripe running down the arm and leg. You know like Nascar. You can pretend you're one of the other rednecks you idolize who have no talent but are on the Cheese Nips box! And for the higher ups we'll reverse the colors and add an inset in the pant leg of the contrasting color ala an Elvis jumpsuit. Badges will be added to the belts and for hats, oh what the hell, just go ahead and wear your trucker hat or your Orange County Chopper beanie with the flames on it. Polished black shoes will complete the ensemble. And voila! There you have it, a new look for all the old and many new members you're taking on. And that's what I call, Queer Jew Eye for the KKK - Don't Get Me Started!

(Disclaimer - All product and group placement was done strictly for humor purposes and should not suggest the author is remotely suggesting any connection between anyone mentioned.)

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    • AEvans profile image

      Julianna 8 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

      Love it!! This is hilarious  and serious all wrapped into one nice little package. Wonderful "and then there's Maude" hehehe!!!

    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 10 years ago from Las Vegas

      Good catch "livelonger" and while I adore KG too, I have to say that I have been using the Maude line since the 80's! Thanks for reading and the comment!

    • livelonger profile image

      Jason Menayan 10 years ago from San Francisco

      Ha ha, the "and then there's Maude" look. I think KG said that about Macy Gray, right?

      I agree the KKK might as well start recruiting for the military since their demographic overlaps pretty nicely with the current GOP one.