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Relatively Speaking My Family Is Lousy With Gays

Updated on May 1, 2007

Relatively Speaking My Family Is Lousy With Gays! - Don't Get Me Started!

For years I really thought that my family was normal. Even when I became involved with my guy and he told me that he always thought that the way Jews were portrayed in movies and plays were "over the top", that is until he met my family. I always just assumed that we were a little bit different but at the same time not all that different from everyone else. Well, in yesterday's blog I talked about my aunt going to a gay card store to buy my card by MikWright (click here to buy it already, will you? ) Now usually before I write a blog I tell the story to a few people just to make sure the topic has some sense of fun and interest. When I was telling the tale of my aunt being in a gay card store, I was just thinking of your typical card store with cards, rainbow products and "his" and "his" towels. I really wasn't thinking about a store that had lube, nipple clamps and porn. But of course, a dear friend of mine immediately went there. At first I laughed and then I thought, "Hmmm...I'm sure my aunt would be fine with that kind of store too!" Relatively speaking my family is lousy (‘swarming or teeming) with gays! - Don't Get Me Started!

You see my family has a lot of history with the gays because there are quite a few in my family. Recently it dawned on my Mother that most of the gays in the family were from my father (and the aunt from the card store's) side of the family. My Mother was delighted that no longer could my Father blame her for my gayness because she bought me a G.I. Joe at two years old (when I desperately wanted a Barbie) and for taking me to dance class, theatre and shopping. It is indeed in the genes when you look at my family, I remember when I was little there was a relative in my family everyone called, "Betty The Dyke." "Betty The Dyke" - yes, growing up, I thought this was her full name. No one said it in a mean or bad way (I know this is the typical argument for people who use gay slurs) but honestly, it's just who she was and that's what everyone called her...well, behind her back anyway. Okay I guess looking at it in print it occurs to me that this is pretty bad but you know how what you grow up with seems normal to you even if it is wrong?

Sure every family has some goofy stories and people but I'll see your uncle Todd the alcoholic for my uncle who was a rabbi and is now a flight attendant for Southwest Airlines! (Oddly enough, this would be my aunt from the card store's husband!) The above statement never fails to stop everyone dead in their tracks. No one can believe that my uncle used to be a rabbi and is now a flight attendant but it's all true. That's right, the man who assisted me with my Haftorah portion (look it up at ) for my bar mitzvah is now flying the Southwest skies. (Be aware that no one really thought that I would ever learn my portion of the torah for my bar mitzvah in Hebrew as I was so busy at the time doing theater and performing with a dance company but somehow with the use of technology - specifically a cassette that my uncle recorded with him singing through my Torah portion - I was able to learn my stuff as you would learn a song off the radio - not something I'm incredibly proud of now but at the time it was the only way I was going to learn this stuff, play "The Artful Dodger" in a production of Oliver and have the party to get the checks!)

I guess there's something to be said for the whole safety in numbers things. Because there are so many gay relatives I think my family is much more accepting on the whole. And sometimes it can even be a bit annoying. Some of my straight relatives love having gay relatives so much that they delight in introducing my guy at functions, "You know this is Scott's lover. That's the right term right? Lover, right? Anyway, he's been Scott's lover for years." They keep saying the word "lover" over and over to I don't know, either get a reaction out of the person they're telling or just because they like saying the word. It makes me laugh (and roll my eyes).

I remember when one of my cousins came out and another cousin (who had only been out for about a year or so) was telling me how he was counseling the newest out cousin and had given books to the newly out cousin's parents to read to help them with learning that their son was gay. I was indignant and livid and a few more words I can't even think of here. I was like, "Listen, grasshopper, you have not snatched the cultured pearl from my hand yet, I'm the gaytriarch in this family and all gayness and gay counseling needs to go through me!" Truth be told, the cousins are from another generation, they're the new sleeker models so my younger cousin would probably be better at the whole thing than me at this point. Still, everyone needs to be put in their place every once in awhile too and I'm just the head of the family's gayness to do it. Relatively speaking my family is lousy (‘swarming or teeming) with gays! - Don't Get Me Started!

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