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Stupid Drivers, PLEASE STAY HOME.

Updated on January 30, 2009

Ah, driving.

 It's a necessary part of most people's everyday routine. We go to work, we go to the grocery store, we go to Wal-Mart, we go to Mickey D's. We go to school, we go to the gas station, we go to the movies, we go pick up our kids from their latest afterschool activity.

We need to drive sometimes.

While driving is all good and well and gets us to where we need to go, there are some problems that occur, especially up here in frigid Minnesota.

Namely, stupid drivers.

Now, we all know I deliver pizzas as an evening job. I deal with stupid drivers all year round. But in the winter, such as now, the inability to find a stupid driver drops down to nearly 0%. Maybe 1%. It depends on if there are others on the road.

So what causes people to turn into complete morons behind their steering wheels? Why must generally intelligent human beings become driveling dimwits when the seasons change? And why are there so many people with this condition?

None of these I know the full answer to, but I am allowed to make an educated guess. So bear with me while I rant and rave about the stupidity of others and exactly why I believe mass genocide needs to be commited upon said stupid drivers.

... Er... Yeah, that sounds a little harsh. I should rephrase that.

Mass genocide needs to be commited on all stupid people.

^_^ There. Much better.


[Side Note: This is just a rant, so I'm really not serious about the genocide thing. Stupid people just irritate the beans out of me, especially during the winter months where there is no room to be stupid on the roads. Thanks for not reporting me to Homeland Security. :-D]

Exhibit A

 A general misconception of Minnesota roads is, when the weather has been bad, the roads stay bad.

This. Is. NOT. True.

While I live in the county known for the worst DoT road service in the state, even I have to admit that after a day or three of clear weather, the roads are generally driveable again. Highway 65 is no longer a giant slushpuppy, County Road 10 is relatively melted, and Main Street has been plowed at least three times by now, if not four times. Main still might suck monkey nuts, but it's better than it was.

The problem occurs when people fall for this fallacy, and even though they can see the road's condition, they still drive like it's covered in black ice.

So here is where it gets to be an irritant:

I need to frickin' deliver this pizza, so either get with the program or move the heck out of my way. NAOW! >O

Yes, that was typed incorrectly on purpose.

There is a speed limit for a reason. When the road is decent enough to drive the speed limit, then drive the dang speed limit. Don't go below it because you think there MIGHT be a slippery spot; if you hit a slippery spot, take your foot off the gas pedal and ease your speedometer down about 5 mph. If you're going this slow to use cruise control, abort the vehicle, find the nearest body of water, and jump through the ice. While you're at it, stay there.

Don't ever use cruise control unless you know for a fact there are no icy patches on the road you're driving along. And, by any possible chance, if you live in Isanti County, don't use the cruise control at all. It's not worth the trip to the ER. This is why my leg hurts like heck. Not because of the ER, but from lack of using cruise. Yes, the muscles will cramp a bit, but you'll learn to deal with it. Don't be such a wuss.

By the way, it's very hard to find the exact images you want with Google Images, no matter how many specific search words you use... -_-
By the way, it's very hard to find the exact images you want with Google Images, no matter how many specific search words you use... -_-

Exhibit B

People with trailers forget to check their blind spots. A lot.

Take this night, for example:

Highway 65 is a major highway in Minnesota, from downtown Minneapolis (Central Ave.) to Mora, and possibly beyond. I've never driven past Mora, so I can't be 100% on that. Anyway, it's been decent, as far as weather goes, for the past couple of days, so most of 65 is clear.

I was driving from Isanti to Cambridge, on my way back from a delivery, content with going 70 mph. Speed limit is 65 (lol, 65 on 65). Singing along to my iPod through a radio transmitor thingamajiggy, I was coming up on some morons in the slow lane going about 55. First vehicle was a little car, second was a truck with a snowmobile trailer, snowmobiles and all. Just as I was about to be next to the trailer, the truck driver decided to switch into my lane.

With me still in it.

He's still going 55, and I'm still going 70.

So what do I do?

Well, I did what any other 18 year old girl would do.

I screamed bloody murder, found my brake pedal, and managed not to get pushed into the middle ditch thing, then commenced to flash my headlights at the idiot and, when I pulled up next to him, flicked the f'er off before getting onto the ramp for Highway 95.


Trailer towers, check your blind spots. As big and powerful as you think you are, when you get another driver into an accident, your insurance company isn't gonna be too happy with your idiocy. And if the other driver happens to catch your license plate, you could be in for a serious ticket.

I find it oddly amusing that the description for this said something about Teen drivers...
I find it oddly amusing that the description for this said something about Teen drivers...

Exhibit C

When the roads really are bad, don't drive faster than me.


Well, as I've mentioned quite a few times before, I'm a pizza driver.

You should NEVER drive faster than a pizza driver.

We're already driving as fast as the roads allow.

Along with the idea of speed, you should never drive extremely slow during this kind of weather, either. You're bound to get stuck, or lose traction, despite contrary belief. If you go too slow, the swishy-swashy road conditions are going to take your tires and go "Whee!" all over, causing some pretty cool looking fish-tailing action that isn't all that cool when you're in the vehicle.

The worst thing is coming to a dead stop at a stop sign. Yes, stop signs mean you're to stop. As in, Skid Tires On Pavement stop. (lol) But when you kinda can't stop without sliding across the road or ending up stuck, I seriously urge you to pull a simple slow-down-look-both-ways-don't-stop-keep-going maneuver. Just be sure there aren't any cops around, unless you're me. They like me. I bring them pizza when they're drunk. ^_^

Exhibit D

 Tailgating just happens to be illegal, so knock it off, Mr. Ford Truck I-Think-I'm-Better-Than-You-Because-You-Have-A-Crappy-Little-Saturn-SL2.

Yeah buddy, I mean you.

For some reason, people think that tailgating is okay to do when it's slick as heck out there. Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but it's not. It's about five million times more dangerous.

What if I needed to stop quickly so I didn't hit a deer?

What if I start sliding around?

What if I decide to slam on my brakes just to be a jerk?

Well, as fun as the land of What If is, these are all very possible, and quite likely to happen to people.

Has no one heard of the Two Second Rule? -_- Jeeze.

You should never tailgate. This should be extremely obvious. And while you may be irritated that the person in front of you is going too slow for your standards, that doesn't give you the right to be a prick. Because if you hit that slowpoke because they hit their brakes to piss you off, guess who gets the ticket and penalty? It ain't the guy in front of you.

That's it, I'm done.

I give up on you all. For all I care, you can all drive right off a cliff and blow up. Your idiocy is astounding, and I'm almost certain is certifiable to a mental ward. Now hand me your keys and your license, and go buy yourself a dang bicycle already.

[Editor's Note: Due to extreme stress-related symptoms, Kika Rose will be on leave to recover what is left of her sanity. Also, it was her birthday yesterday, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! ^_^]

For real. Ride a bike. Then I don't have to put up with you.
For real. Ride a bike. Then I don't have to put up with you.


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    Post Comment

    • profile image

      Look in the mirror 

      9 years ago

      Nobody drives faster than the pizza guy! Get your head out of your a$$. The pedal on the right of your mom's car is called the gas pedal. Try using it once in a while.

    • Lgali profile image


      9 years ago

      THEY ARE so many stupid in roads only god can save


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