The Fauxgagement Ring-A Woman's Greatest Tool in Fending Off Loser Guys
A Simple and Inexpensive Solution To Avoid Unsolicited Attention
The Fauxgagement Ring
If you're a nice girl like me, it isn't always easy to politely turn down a guy after he asks you out. While I admire the unabashed persistence 95% of the guys I meet have, that eagerness to "meet up for coffee" can quickly become annoying. So when I found my greatest tool to easily get rid of a guy tucked into a tiny stall in the middle of New York's Chinatown, I was ecstatic. I call it my Fauxgagement Ring. Most of the time, the $8 sparkliness resides on my right hand, but when a special occasion like a night out with the girls, or a work conference arises, the Ring moves 7 doors down to the finger that lets guys know if I'm a green or a red light. As you can see, I chose the largest ring I could find, because let’s face it, if you bought your own real engagement ring, you’d find the biggest, shiniest most annoying rock, so more people would notice and congratulate you on your exciting life step. The downside to choosing a massive Fauxgagement Ring, however, is the disappointment you feel when your boyfriend finally does propose with what you consider to be a laughable diamond, and the bitterness you feel may taint the marriage from the start. But, the bigger the Fauxgagement Ring, the more likely a guy will back off because he will assume a) any man lucky enough to snag a beautiful girl like you must have huge, bulging muscles, or b) any man rich enough to pay for a ring that size must also be able to afford bodyguards who could crush him in a second if he doesn’t back off. So, don’t be afraid to choose a dream ring dripping with diamonds.
But How Do I Use It?
The Fauxgagement Ring has saved me from numerous awkward let downs. As soon as a guy introduces himself, I say, "Hi, I'm Breanna, but I don't want to waste any of your time (swing left hand up making sure the nearest light source catches the fake diamond), so I want you to know up front I'm engaged." You may be thinking, why tell guys you're engaged and not married? Marriage sounds more sure, more permanent, more committed. Well, that’s exactly why you stick to the engagement story. If you meet the guy of your dreams, but don’t have time to rip off the Fauxgagement Ring before he notices, a broken engagement story is way more believable than a divorce the next time you happen to run into him again at the neighborhood pub. You always want to leave a door open, especially when he has eyes as blue as the Mediterranean, jeans that hug just the right places, and lips that beckon you even through the noise and sweat of a chaotic club.
The Ring’s Other Use
Your Fauxgagement Ring can be used in another way besides protecting you from unwanted attention. It can help you weed out the cheaters. If a guy continues to shower you with compliments after being told you are off limits due to your pending marriage, you know he will be a cheater. If he doesn’t care you would be cheating by hooking up with him, you can bet he doesn’t care if he hurts you by hooking up with other people later on. Believe me, I’ve had two guy friends (and they’re just friends for a good reason--read on) admit they would see an attractive spoken-for woman as a bigger conquest than an ordinary single attractive woman. That said, while the Fauxgagement Ring may seem like a brilliant way to stave off skeezy losers, it also holds a power that you could inadvertently use to shape the whole of the male species into an even viler bunch. Just like no drinking while wearing your cheerleading uniform, there is to be no hooking up while wearing the Fauxgagement Ring. If you give in and make out while wearing the ring, or worse, go home with a guy, you can consider the Fauxgagement Ring ruined for other women. Guys will no longer treat a ring as a good reason to back off, they’ll look at it as a bigger challenge and a justifiable reason to carve an extra deep notch into their bedposts the morning after. So now, go forth, and use your fake commitment to help you find happiness.