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The 30 Dollar Room Service Omelet

Updated on February 26, 2007

Room Service

We all know that room service is more expensive than if you took your lazy ass down to the overpriced restaurant in your hotel but today (as I'm staying in one of the nicer hotels) I decided I was going to "treat" myself to the whole hotel experience and order room service. Having a Jewish mother, I come from a long line of room service orderers and eaters. But even so the $30 omelet - welcome to the world of room service - Don't Get Me Started!

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So you order it on the phone with the person who has such a thick accent that you're almost assured it will not be right when it arrives. You keep repeating yourself and he keeps repeating it back and although you're both saying the same thing, you're saying omelet and for some reason it sounds like he's saying antelope. Not to mention the fact that the system they use brings up your room number and your name so I immediately get suspicious that if they know this information what else do they know about me? Do they have cameras installed and they're watching me scratch my balls right now while I'm talking to Alejandro, captain of the service du room? Paranoia begins to set in. He assures you that you'll see the food in thirty minutes and you can't help yourself, you synchronize your watch.

Much like a legal document, make sure that you read the fine print on the menu. What you will find is that the charges are worse than the most high interest credit card. That's right, there's something like a 21% charge for Alejandro to pick up the phone and call you an antelope, there's a $2.50 charge because you're eating in your room and then they let you know that a portion goes to the server as a gratuity. They don't tell you how much goes to the server so there's no way you're getting out of this without giving the guy an additional tip. It feels like those "charities" where they get all this money from people and really only $1 out of every $100 goes to the people who need it, the rest pays for the fundraisers and to give huge paychecks to the organizers of the fundraisers. So you ultimately feel that Jimmy the server gets little to nothing and Alejandro and the hotel are sitting around counting their money in their counting rooms while Jimmy can't pay his electric bill at home. Well, let's just say this is where my head goes with all of this stuff.

So what started out seeming like not too huge of an extravagance when you look at the menu causes you to have to take out a second mortgage. The worse part for me right at this moment is that the money I just overpaid for this breakfast is somewhere somehow going into the pocket of a too thin, little dog carrying nobody to continue her ridiculous lifestyle and "that's NOT hot." To say I resent it is an understatement.

Of course the food is less than great and only remotely warm. You would think (as my grandmother would say) that if they can put a man on the moon then they can figure out a way to make the room service food that costs twenty million dollars warm when it gets to your room. But I know, that's just crazy talk right?

And so, as I sit here in my California hotel, imagining I'm a movie star who is having breakfast and then waiting for my entourage to arrive and get me ready for the Oscars this afternoon, I will pour myself another cup of coffee, stand at my window overlooking Los Angeles and when I put the tray in the hall, I will make sure that I have taken every miniature ketchup, jam, jelly, Tabasco and even the salt and pepper shakers go into my suitcase and go home with me. I deserve it, I paid for it. The $30 omelet - welcome to the world of room service - Don't Get Me Started!

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