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The G-A-A-A-Y Triple Threat

Updated on March 29, 2007

The G-A-A-A-Y Triple Threat, Arms, Ass and Abs - Don't Get Me Started!

Back at the beginning of time when I thought I had a chance at a career in what we call, "the show business" we used the term "triple threat" for someone who could sing, act and dance - proficient and excellent in each area. But now that I've become the greatest never was been there ever was, I find myself using this term to describe another phenomenon. Now I've said it before; that I am more than thankful for the fact that I have been with the same handsome man for over eighteen years and that I don't have to be out there living the single gay life. Frankly, my boa is off to the boys who are out there day in and day out looking for that special someone. Now just because I'm not looking doesn't mean I don't look and that I don't want people to look in my direction (sometimes with scary results on the people I tend to attract - a blog for another day) but what I've discovered is that there are basically two categories for gays. They are either the too too thin gays (similar to the weight of one Girl Scout Thin Mint cookie) or they are these big built up muscle guys who seem to be interested in perfecting their G-A-A-A-Y Triple Threat, arms, ass and abs - Don't Get Me Started!

The problem with most of the gays (and straight men too) who are trying to achieve their G-A-A-A-Y perfection is that they really focus on their arms and their ass (occasionally they also obsess over their calves, I even saw a Discovery show once about a guy who had implants put in his calves - ugh) and yet somehow the natural phenomenon occurs that while their abs are well defined they are basically big guts with the shading of a six pack like a stenciled frosting on the top of a cake. These guys strut around with their bodies that are so tan they look as though they've created a whole new race of people (they don't quite look black but they are so brown and you can see that there is a white person in there somewhere when you look around the eyes but then again, maybe they're just from Tanzania or something - a land where everyone is oddly and artificially tan, in my mind anyway). Their arms are as big as a normal person's thigh (or bigger) and yet with the tan and everything their guts are sticking out looking like a lobster tail from a Red Lobster commercial. Sort of all sticking out and you can see there's definition but it's just overflowing, covered in butter (or in the boys case, oil) and yet it's not appetizing in the least.

For some reason, having big arms seems to be a get out of having a flat stomach for free card. I don't get it. Are we supposed to be so dazzled and in awe with your arms that we don't notice that big, hard (wait for it) gut? Well, we do and in talking with some people, apparently the way the muscle gut is achieved is that when you're working out, lifting weights, you should be sucking your stomach in (You know, like Tyra does for an hour each week on Top Model) but these guys are lifting such huge weights to get the big arms that they are actually pushing out their stomachs instead of sucking in. And by pushing out the stomach, they're training it to be a muscle gut. Sure it has all the markings of a six pack but it also sticks out about eighteen inches from where it should.

I know that gays come in many varieties and that we should just be thankful we gays do not have to walk around with pink triangles on (Thank you Mr. Hitler) but it does get to me that when these guys "bulk" up they seem to lose all perspective on what is hot and what is not. True, this is a bit open to your own turn ons and offs but come on, how many times have you seen a guy from the back that has a great ass and arms and they turn around and suddenly you think you're seeing Barbra Streisand doing the pregnant bit in "His Love Makes Me Beautiful" from Funny Girl?

I think it's great that you're all achieving something that I will never be able to achieve and for once I can honestly say that I'm not bitter. I think the word is more hopeless. I will never be either gay thin or have a body builder body that stops traffic but hopefully at some point from all this working out I will have a toned and half way decent body that I can begin to look at again. (I have the tendency when I'm feeling a little fatter to never look at anything below the neck in the mirror - I could be completely gangrene from the sternum down and have no idea). That being said, I aspire to be a triple threat if only so I can keep my gay membership in good standing. So here's to trying and remembering to suck it in as often as possible. The G-A-A-A-Y Triple Threat, arms, ass and abs - Don't Get Me Started!

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    • Robin profile image

      Robin Edmondson 10 years ago from San Francisco

      Funny piece! There was one episode in Entourage where Drama wanted calf implants. Hilarious!