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The Gay Bomb

Updated on June 13, 2007

The Gay Bomb - Don't Get Me Started!

Well kids, our Pentagon has done it again. In a report that was recently released, apparently they were working on a bomb that would contain a non-lethal chemical that would cause "the enemy" to suddenly have the urge to be attracted to one another sexually, causing massive homosexual orgies, giving the US the opportunity to I don't know, watch or run in while everyone had their pants down and steal their wallets and guns. The Gay Bomb - Don't Get Me Started!

First of all, there are several different substances that come to mind (poppers, ecstasy, etc.) that many gays abuse that cause the gay orgy conditions (usually centered around The White Party). But what makes this recent news go directly into the "sad but funny" category is that the white men who run our government (who have spent millions to make us think anyone of color is a terrorist) are now thinking they've outsmarted everyone by creating a bomb that would create conditions that they themselves are frightened of yet not so for every other culture around the world (contrary to what they would have us believe). That's right, not everyone is afraid of us gays like the white men who run our government and just because the chemical would supposedly make the men attracted to one another doesn't mean that (now get ready because I know some straightees won't believe this one) it doesn't mean that because there's an attraction that the men are going to drop trow and start going at it right there. Some of the gays have a thing called, "self-control" which is more than I can say for the congressmen trying to date male teenage pages and evangelistic ministers who hire "massage therapists" for meth and sex.

I'm sure that it won't be long before the "family values" set are starting to think to themselves, if they can make a chemical to make them gay, they should be able to make one to make them not gay. (Of course then they would have to admit that being gay isn't a choice but something we're born with which I don't think most of them have the capacity to understand at the moment) But let's suppose for a moment that they admit that we're born gay. Let's take it to the next (ridiculous) level the same way that they would. If they could make a "straightee spray", how long do you think it would be before the Christian right and their pals would be rounding up us gays, putting pink triangles on us and telling us we're going into a disco (because you know that their perception of gays is still based on a 1970's notion that the ritual gay mating ground is a disco)? Once inside the "disco" they would gas us with the non-gay spray and voila, the next thing you know, when you open the door you have a bunch of guys grabbing their balls instead of each others. I know that this sounds like a wet dream to the born again set (and Hitler), hoping that we gays would be born again, not only taking Jesus into our hearts but women into our beds. Unfortunately, I know a lot of gays and a lot of straights and I'm thinking that both sides would like to keep their teams intact.

Let's face it; the worst thing that could happen for straight men is to have gay men turn straight. Think about it, men who are straight who have the sensitivity and sensibility of a gay man? Trust me when I say there isn't one original straight man that would be getting any pussy if this happened.

Meanwhile, you know someone was paid a lot of money to come up with the idea of the gay bomb and if that is the case, where do I sign up? I mean, I can come up with some really bad ideas too and I'd like to be paid millions for my stupidity the same as say, Halliburton. Let's see, I could think up a bomb that would make everyone want to wear bright pink. This way the terrorists wouldn't be able to hide and when they were captured and photographed they'd look pretty! Or I could come up with an idea that we could drop a bomb to make us all skinny bitches who drive drunk and don't contribute to society - oops, sorry Paris, looks like you've all ready been hit by that bomb. (By the way, did you hear that Paris - like many convicts - has discovered The Lord? If she starts talking like the Damon Wayans character from In Living Color who was incarcerated and would talk about "the edification of the masturbation of the configuration" I'll just die!)

I know that war can be hell but coming up with ideas like turning our enemy gay isn't going to send everyone to hell you Christian crazies. No, the only thing it will do is save a lot of money for gay pornographers who spend money casting boys to look like they are soldiers to star in the gay porn. No, this way they would be able to just go over to wherever the government drops the bomb, set the camera on a tripod and come back in a few hours when the dust settles.

Sometimes you have to laugh at the ridiculous things in life and believe me when I say I'm laughing long and hard about this one. (I know; I should never have used "long" and "hard" in a blog about this topic.) But just remember that the theory Bush sold us all on to get into this war is the same theory he'll use for this new chemical technology. "We're making gays over there so that we won't have to have gays here." It's about as sound as every other decision and preposterous theory he's sold us. Let's just hope that they make the gay bomb smell like Paco Rabbanne and not one of the Axe sprays! The Gay Bomb - Don't Get Me Started!

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      al arrab 7 years ago

      send please