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The One Who Smelled It Has Not Always Dealt It

Updated on April 19, 2007

The One Who Smelled It Isn't Always The One Who Dealt It! - Don't Get Me Started!

Do you remember as a kid when someone would say, "Who farted?" the common response was, "The one who smelled it, dealt it!"? Well, I was in line in Target yesterday and let me just say that the one who smelled it isn't always the one who dealt it - Don't Get Me Started!

I was doing the typical worker getting off work trying to run a million errands before getting home to make dinner for myself (my guy is out of town), feed the cats and do some more work while trying desperately to get the amount of saved programs on my Tivo down to a minimum. All that was missing was a boss named Lou Grant and a Jewish neighbor to come over with a schmata on her head to talk about her inability to find a husband. I indeed was Mary Tyler Moore without a pull out couch or "M" on my wall.

Anyway, back to my harrowing tale. So I'm zooming through (random thought - remember the Aretha Franklin song, Who's Zooming Who? - why doesn't anyone ever play that, love that song!) I'm zooming through the Target trying to beat the Mom and everyone who also just got off of work rush and pretty much everything that I'm there for is out. I mean from lotion to dish detergent soap, it felt like a conspiracy or perhaps there's been a run on Lubriderm that I'm simply not aware of...what's next hoarding of the Lubriderm?

Now I can never get out of Target without spending a million dollars. Usually it's because I'm trying to get bargains that end up just costing me more money than I was planning on spending. Whether it's me going for the twenty-seven pound box of kitty litter to save twenty cents (but not my back) or the gum at the checkout, I'm a store's dream come true, falling for every piece of marketing and suggestive selling they throw at me.

So I get to the checkout line with my purchases and the woman in front of me is nice enough to put the divider on the belt. Now I always do this for the person that is behind me too. At first I was afraid that people would think I was doing a whole, "Ugh, let me put this divider down so that the cashier knows there's no way I'm paying for the crap this person behind me just put on the belt. And who in the hell would buy pudding that hasn't been refrigerated and sixteen bags of beef jerky anyway?" But then I discovered that this was paranoid thinking. I discovered if you smile and do a little head nod, people are actually appreciative that you put the divider down for them and aren't offended at all. (Lesson learned - not everyone offends as easily as me.)

So I put my items on the belt and as the woman in front of me (nicely dressed, late forties, well groomed and seemingly normal) is using the credit card machine it suddenly hits me...this wave of odiferous something or other that attacks me like a lead pipe (in the Conservatory with Colonel Mustard) on Nancy Kerrigan's knee! (And I'm thinking the same thing Nancy did, "Why me?") There was no noise and the checkout next to us wasn't open so the only place this could have come from was her. I don't know if she had eaten sauerkraut, asparagus and something had died inside her or if she was on some fad diet that causes you to have unbelievably bad gas but this seemingly normal woman had cut one of the smelliest farts I had ever smelled in my entire life!

Now what are you supposed to do in this type of situation? I did what any normal person would do. First I immediately opened my mouth in a mock smile that would allow me to breathe through my mouth and not my nose while looking inviting and lovely at the same time. Next I looked at the cashier to see her expression, was I close enough that she could have thought this came from me? I made eye contact with her with the mock smile so that if we needed to we could give each other a knowing small facial expression that would say, "Can you believe this woman just cut the cheese this bad?" but there was no expression change in the cashier. The woman left and I assisted the cashier as she was trying to shove my twenty-seven pound box of kitty litter over the scanner and proceeded to my car.

Now I know some of you are used to me talking about political things, things that piss me off or an injustice done to me because I'm Jewish and/or gay but today I just had to share this experience. Now I know that people can't help the fact that they fart (Yes, I've watched Dr. Oz on Oprah, people) but this woman cut the most SBD (Silent But Deadly) fart in the world and I couldn't help but wonder who it is that feels so comfortable just letting one rip in line at Target? I would rather clench my butt cheeks together like I was trying to pick up a quarter (no, I haven't had practical experience in this) and self implode trying to hold out for the parking lot but I guess good for this woman for being so comfortable with her bodily functions. Hooray for the incredible farting woman! And to anyone who may have been in the vicinity I just want to make it very clear that the one who smelled it isn't always the one who dealt it - Don't Get Me Started!

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      Grayson 10 years ago

      I swear! You must be a riot to shop with!!!! LOL over and over and over again.