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What Is Not Sweet About A Chocolate Jesus

Updated on April 3, 2007

Are The Christians Mad Because Jesus Has A Penis Or Because He's The Color Of Chocolate? - Don't Get Me Started!

By now you all must have heard about the chocolate art sculpture of a naked Jesus that Christians lobbied to have removed from a New York hotel's gallery. Well, I'm a little confused. There were even some death threats made to people at the hotel and gallery which I find kind of interesting, as it hardly seems the "Christian thing to do" threatening other people (unless it's with eternal damnation for not getting all American Idol crazy over the big JC). And although the hotel cancelled the exhibit and the gallery's Artistic Director resigned over the incident I have a feeling we're not done hearing about this one any time soon. Good or bad taste, milk or dark chocolate, my real question is are the Christians mad because Jesus has a penis or because he's the color of chocolate? - Don't Get Me Started!

A quick Google of the Internet will come up with various versions of Jesus in chocolate (should you want to buy them). The big difference is that he isn't life-sized and he isn't naked (think of the shipping costs and all the breakable parts). But one has to wonder, with the candy industry making a fortune on chocolate eggs and bunnies during the Easter holiday isn't it just a quick hop for an artist (who deals mostly with food - he covered a house in pepper jack cheese at one point apparently) to put Jesus and chocolate together to make a big art statement? What do people think that someone is going to do, bite the penis off of Jesus like the Easter Bunny that we decapitate every year to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus? (And I'm still all kinds of confused over how the resurrection turned into eggs, bunnies and Peeps that will be here even after a nuclear holocaust)

I really can't tell if all the Christian outrage (and it seems like a lot of white hot Christian outrage - if you know what I mean and I know that you do) is about the nakedness of Jesus or the fact that he's actually being depicted (thanks to the use of a dark chocolate) as we all know he probably would be, a little darker in complexion than they normally draw him. I mean, let's face it, there are no real photographs taken of him so how do we know he looked the way he's always portrayed? A similar situation that we're all aware of is that we got our idea of what Santa looks like from an artist who worked for Coke. How do we not know that it was some artist's rendering that we've all accept as the look of Jesus when in reality it was just a great ad campaign for wafers?

One Christian rights woman who was being interviewed said, "Can you imagine walking down Lexington holding your five-year-old's hand and looking over to see that in the window?" Um, excuse me, I guess your five-year-old better never see the statue of David either oh holy one. In fact, let's just continue to let your precious children watch television shows with no value whatsoever but by all means don't expose them to art, God forbid. Let them watch the Anna Nicole story unfold about a drug addicted gold digger that caused all media to stand still when she overdosed, let them watch sexy girls open suitcases while some shmuck tries to act animated while picking numbers desperately trying to get themselves out of debt because no one told them the American dream came with a 29.5% interest rate and absolutely let them text in a million times to vote for American Idol but please don't expose them to art.

We all know that art is the root of all evil. Never mind that there were civilizations built on art because as Americans we seem very proud of the fact that we don't value art in our society. Oh sure, we'll revere the Simpsons (and why shouldn't we) but we don't want our kids to study fine art because they might see naked people and we all know what that leads to...being cultured and educated. No, we want to keep our kids stupid when it comes to art unless the sculptures have pants on. Don't let them learn about their bodies from art and science, let them learn in the back of Jimmy's pick up like everyone else. Let's ignore the fact that kids are becoming more sexually active younger and younger, catching more diseases than the plagues that the Christians would have thrown down on us homosexual sinners. Let's forget that kids think that oral sex isn't sex at all anymore. And by all means, let's forget to tell our kids how not to get pregnant because that's obviously working so well in the war against teenage pregnancy. Let's blame art for it all and to teach that art stuff a lesson, let's continue cutting funding in our schools and everywhere because art makes you think and that's scary for a lot of Americans, especially the ones with the big "W" bumper sticker. Let's go ahead and outlaw all art and make the only acceptable art the turtle you can draw on the back of a pack of matches!

And when it comes to nakedness does anyone ever wonder why it is that everyone gets all upset over naked men yet naked or half naked women are fine (as long as it's not a boob at the Super Bowl), you know, like the highly acceptable prime time Victoria's Secret fashion show? Could it be more of that male dominated, ever worried about the size of their own penis are the ones running the show here? And aren't the men usually the ones who have the conversations with God and Jesus? there a correlation here or am I just a crazy lesbian with a talk show talking nonsense conspiracy theories here?

If this blog seems more riled up than usual it's because art is something that saved me growing up. When people were mean to me because I was Jewish or effeminate, I had movies to escape into, I had dance and acting classes to express myself and I had my parents who taught me right from wrong. They never asked the schools I went to or the world to teach me, they taught me and loved me. I was taught to appreciate that someone can take a lump of clay (yes, a Fiddler on the Roof reference) and make a man or a million other things by using their imagination and their abilities. How amazing is it that people sculpt, make music, movies, and dance or do a million things to enrich our lives? And how sad is it that we're only interested about what some British guy has to tell us about talent and have lost all ability to trust our own instincts to form opinions and thought? Well my thought is that a chocolate Jesus never hurt anyone and if he was half the man these people want us to believe he was I think he'd like to be immortalized in something that we all love so much such as chocolate. It's a lot better than being on some doggy door, right? (Read my blog Jesus Needs A New Booking Agent! ) . Are the Christians mad because Jesus has a penis or because he's the color of chocolate? - Don't Get Me Started!

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    • Theophanes profile image

      Theophanes 9 years ago from New England

      Silly somelikeitscott, Jesus didn't have a penis. He was made like his daddy, who had little use for one since he could knock up some poor unsuspecting (and likely woefully dissatisfied) chick with no use of one... See, this explains why he never got married or had children in an era where that was probably crucial to survival. And of course we all know he was born with freakishly pallid white skin, blonde hair, and twinkling blue eyes that didn't bear any resemblance to anyone around him... you know, like a white buffalo, it's easier to point out the sacred when they can be picked immediately out of a crowd. As for chocolate? Well! The pope tried to ban chocolate sometime after 1550 when a bunch of nuns took too well to making hot cocoa (stolen from the South Americans.) Apparently chocolate is too "stimulating." All joking aside, I had no idea there was a life-size chocolate Jesus running rogue through some hotel. Was he bleeding jam? Because I'm pretty sure if he were bleeding jam that'd piss a lot of offendable people off... Art is beyond the grasp of most zealot Bible belters, it's better to look on them with severe pity then anger, but I can emphasize with your frustration, I've been there before! Loved this little gem, keep on railin', the world needs more cantankerous social observations.