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Wishing You A Resolution-Free New Year!

Updated on January 1, 2008

I've never been a resolution kind of guy. It's not that I think they're bad or that you shouldn't do it if that's what you need to create a fresh start for yourself but as corny as it may sound, I always think that every day is a chance to make a clean start. So the whole thought of once a year sitting down and making a list of promises to myself (that I most likely won't keep for more than two days) just doesn't, how shall I put this? Work for me? So, I'm wishing you a resolution-free New Year! - Don't Get Me Started!

You see, the "resolution warriors" (as I'll call them because God love them, they do fight admirably) are the ones who are going to make my gym too busy for the next three weeks (most die off by February - mostly in spirit only but who knows where some of them disappear to and are never heard from again) they are the people who are going to have a lot more road rage because they've tried for the umpteenth time to try to give up cigarettes or they'll be the ones holding their heads with caffeine headaches that feel like a Mack truck hit them as they convince themselves the money they're saving on coffee (at Starbucks or in general) is going to buy them that new car they've always wanted by 2009!

God bless the lot of you but now that it's the New Year and you've drunk the Kool-Aid, will you do the rest of us a favor and just try your best not to involve the rest of us? You see when you drank that magic resolution juice, it didn't make you a better person, it in fact made you an annoying ass to be around. Think Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde with you now being more Hyde and less Mr. Wheat Grass Juice Jekyll (no matter how many wheats you juice in the new juicer your husband bought you for the holidays because you cut out the ad and wrote on it, "I need this to be a new me!" and let's face it, even if you can't make it happen, who wouldn't at least take you up on the offer or buy it for you just to alleviate the guilt of not buying it for you and you blaming him for your life not getting off on the "right foot" for the New Year?). I don't want to hear about how you've all ready lost 3 ounces because you're no longer eating red meat and how my colon is going to take six years to digest the burger I'm eating. (You know you're dying for one and most likely will have one digesting in your colon by February, even if you have to eat it in the car and destroy all evidence of it.) I don't want to hear how you're going to be less judgmental because let one person walk by you wearing shorts and Crocs on in New York in January and you're going to be rolling your eyes like the rest of us. And for God sake, if your resolution is to become more positive, stay as far away from me as possible. The people who have to try to be positive (with their affirmations on post-its all over their house) get on my nerves more than anyone else. I think it's good to have a positive outlook on life but let's face it, if everything was going your way, what would Jesus do? Sit around doing nothing all day just waiting for rappers to thank him on award shows and celebrities to find him when they go to jail instead of listening to you pray for money to drop from the heavens to pay your cell phone bill before they cut you off? Do Jesus a favor and keep up the good work of asking for him to grant wishes like your fairy Godmother, it amuses him!

My mother, a wise woman said to me last night, "Make sure the first thing you say tomorrow is "rabbit" as my father used to say you're supposed to say that at the start of every month and year as it brings good luck. Not that I always remember to say it and let's face it, it really hasn't worked out so much for me but it couldn't hurt." So as I awoke this morning, I got up and went to the bathroom and while sitting on the toilet I said, "Rabbit." I don't know if I could possibly feel more ridiculous but better to feel ridiculous and have good luck, right?

I guess deep down inside we're all looking for luck or good things to happen in the New Year. A friend of my family used to always make a rhyming catch phrase for the coming year, I can imagine he's saying, "2008 Will Be Great" for this New Year but by the end of each year no matter what the optimistic phrase it had been given at the start of the year, by the end of the year the previous year always got the same phrase, "2007 (or whatever year it was) Sucked Big Ones." And for those of you who remember Romper Room, where at the end of the show the female host would take what looked like a hand mirror without the mirror part in it and look through it saying, "Romper, bomper, stomper boo. Tell me, tell me, tell me do. Magic mirror, tell me today. Did all my friends have fun at play?" And then she would mention kid's names saying things like, "And I see it's a very special day for Suzie, Happy Birthday Michael and oh, feel better Jill" (Incidentally, I never knew where these names came from but always waited for mine to see if she would magically say it somehow. In retrospect I guess parents would write in or the show's producer made them up. They always seemed to be popular names and no wonder the show isn't on anymore because can you imagine her saying, "And it's a special day for Perrier, Happy Birthday D'Anfrey and feel better Lacquansha?") The point is that we're all looking for that magic mirror or for someone to mention us but as we start this New Year, let's begin as we mean to go along. Only you can prevent a forest fire and only you can make a change in you. (Just do us all a favor and keep it to yourself until you have the book deal or your episode appears on the show Cops or Addiction!) Wishing you a resolution-free New Year! - Don't Get Me Started!

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    • profile image

      Jeffery 8 years ago

      My new years resoultion is to earn some money by my next b-day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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      Wanye 8 years ago

      "My new years resoultion is that my girlfriend Christina and her daughter LaTasha stop fighting and that they get along for the rest of their lives. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • profile image

      Autumn  8 years ago

      My newn year resoultion is when i got that rash on my face from my sister's and my brother, it was gone that same day on New Years Eve!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • profile image

      LaTasha 8 years ago

      My news year resoultion is to lose weight and to get along with my moms. She might be a biotch, but she gave birth to me and she can take me out this world faster than she had me.

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      somelikeitscott 9 years ago from Las Vegas

      Carol, thanks so much for reading and the support and yes, the book is being compiled as we speak in whatever free time I have to make it happen. Again, thanks for reading, I'm glad it's making you laugh! Scott

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      Carol 9 years ago

      I'm struggling to get through your entire website because I have a year to catch up on and I don't want to miss a word. I don't often laugh out loud, especially when reading something online while sitting alone, but you have me doing it quite often, and for that I thank you. I think that if your blog was compiled into a book, it would be a best seller. The Don't get me started subjects seem like things almost everyone can relate to, but you just make things so funny...real knee slappers, I tell ya. Anyway, Scott, as I said before, I have become a great fan. You are an unbelievable gem and I'm so glad I found your blog.