Writing a Love Letter
Or, Thank Goodness for Alexander Graham Bell
Well, it's Valentine's Day, and I've decided to write a love letter to my love. I mean, the person I love, not just my emotion of love. How would I address a letter to an emotion, and why would I waste the stamp, even though postage rates won't go up until later this year?
First, I need to decide on a salutation. "Dear Beelzebub" reads dully; he may well think it is a form letter, soliciting for a donation of funds, or trying to get him to subscribe to a magazine of some sort. "My Dearest Beelzebub" sounds as though I have a whole slew of Beelzebubs in the wings somewhere who are less dear to me than the object of my affections. "Hey There, Beelzebub" - hmmm, that is more like something I'd shout out at a bar or grocery store.
Well, let's just skip the salutation and go to the body of the letter. I don't think I wish to say common things that one would say in an ordinary missive; i.e., "How's the weather?" Even if he lived in the same zip code, or even area code, the weather conditions could be (and in Michigan, more than likely would be) drastically different from those that occurring outside my bedroom window. I could quote poetry, but that smacks of plagiarism, as well as making me seem so idiotic that I can't think of anything original to say to the one I love. "How are you?" is just as bad, so trite, so overused. Besides, it sounds as if I'm asking him to rate himself as a partner - shouldn't I already know that? "I miss you very much" makes me appear to be a clingy, codependent, wretch of a woman who can't live her own life at all without him constantly at my side. But if I don't let him know that I miss him, he may think I'm spending all of my time at the karaoke bar, singing racous choruses of "All By Myself", "Alone Again (Naturally)", or worse "Indiana Wants Me (But I Can't Go Back There) to a group of sex-starved, beer-swilling automotive assembly-line workers.
Since I am not having much luck with the body of the letter, perhaps I should just start at the bottom and work my way up...interesting, why does that sound like something he would enjoy doing rather than reading? But I digress. "Yours truly" - boring, plain old boring. "Adoringly yours"? No, I don't want him to think that I spend my time mooning over his photo that I have placed strategically on a small table by my bed where I can see it as soon as I awaken, day or night, even though I really do have his photo placed that way. How about "Relentlessly yours"? That makes it sound as if I will NEVER give up on him, through distance, time, space, restraining orders...well, maybe it does smack a bit of being a stalker.
I need to wrap this up, so how about the following:
"To Whom It May Concern:
I am fine. We are having weather here, as I am fairly sure you are having wherever it is you happen to be at the moment you read this. It would be nice to see you again, but only if you can forward to me your express consent to same in writing to the return address on the envelope in which this correspondence came. I look forward to a reply at your earliest convenience.
Not very romantic, is it? Tell you what - I'm just going to call him and leave a naughty voicemail. But AFTER 7:00 p.m., when it won't cost me a 50-cent piece.