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And You Thought Tiger Woods' Money Gave Him The Perfect Life! Part II

Updated on November 28, 2009

What better indicator of the hypnotic hold that the insatiable greed for greenbacks has on American culture than to look at the lyrics of the very theme song for one of the most ostentatious television programs ever, hosted by the most ostentatious billionaire ever? A show which is based around individuals stopping at nothing, no matter what embarrassement, what confrontation, what dirty trick, in order to make more money?

For the love of money
People will steal from their mother
For the love of money
People will rob their own brother
For the love of money
People can't even walk the street
Because they never know who in the world they're gonna beat
For that lean, mean, mean green
Almighty dollar, money
For the love of money
People will lie, Lord, they will cheat
For the love of money
People don't care who they hurt or beat
For the love of money
A woman will sell her precious body
For a small piece of paper it carries a lot of weight
Call it lean, mean, mean green

There are so many people struggling to make ends meet, and they invariably dream of having lots of money, because then, they would finally be happy.

Yes, happy happy happy like the only athlete ever to become a billionaire, who according to unconfirmed reports, got smashed in the face when his supermodel wife found out he was playing hide the 6 iron with another hottie in Melbourne, and in order to escape from her club swinging tirade smashed his Escalade into a tree and knocked himself out cold.

So let me get this straight Mr. Woods... you're the world's most famous and richest sports celebrity, you are the idol of millions of people, your bank account has ten (gasp) figures, and you have to go cheat on your supermodel wife so she beats the golf right out of you? What exactly is wrong with this picture?

A general rule of thumb of human existence that I have come to understand in my long life is that the more money you have the more unhappy your life is. My aunt raised 8 children in a crumbling apartment the size of a reasonable closet and many were the days where she did not eat in order to make sure her kids got just a little more on the plate. She is one of the happiest people I have ever met and is the object of sheer unequivocal adulation by all her children. A rather far cry from the sullen, alienated teenagers I know who vandalized their parents' three million dollar beachfront home to get their lolz because they were bored.

The access to copious amounts of cash is not a panacea for all ills, it is actually an infirm malady... a vicious plague which debilitates and corrupts at the most basic level of the human psyche.

If Tiger Woods was slinging burgers at Wendy's and had to save up for a month just to accumulate the green fees for a round at a cheap little course on the bad side of town, he might just be perfectly in love in his relationship and experiencing the true joys of marriage and parenthood, not knocked out on the side of his Escalade with paparazzi drooling over his misfortune.

But... nah... it's better to have tons of money... right?

Wrong. Oh so very wrong. Just line up behind the camel if you don't believe me.

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