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How Not to Be a Walking Billboard but Still Shop for Brand Names

Updated on June 17, 2013

Don't buy N*ke

That sports apparel company loosely based in Beaverton, Oregon, prominently plasters a logo on every available exposed surface. Possible, it is, to deck yourself out in shoes, socks, shorts, shirts, hats, warm-ups, sunglasses, watches, sweatbands, and lip balm that is all festooned with an annoying trademarked swoosh.

Excessively long sentences aside, anyone you meet on the street will adore your logo presentation but ignore you as a person. A fat endorsement contract may justify such behavior but normal sentient humans may prefer interaction on a more personal level.

Wear a Tuxedo

Rare, it is, to see an official tuxedo adorned with logos or trademarks. As our society crumbles and Ron Howard continues to be considered talented, someday our children may get married in formal-wear embroidered with corporate symbology. It's probably time to move to a more dignified country of residence such as Canada or Miami Beach.

According to our research, consisting of watching the E! Channel, tuxedo manufacturers use subtle visual cues to stand out from the competition. This is preferable to a multicolored logo stitched above the hanky pocket or across the back. Clothing yourself in a classy tuxedo prevents the walking billboard syndrome and allows you to fit in at any church wedding or dance marathon.

Wear white socks

White goes with anything. Scientifically, it's the combination of all other visible colors. Anything else you wear will be a subset of your white accoutrement, color-wise. No one looks at your socks anyway. If someone happens to look at your foot underwear, they will see a generic clothing choice bereft of corporate signage while remaining stylish under all circumstances.

We like socks that cover your hairy ankles, but that's a topic for another Exclusive hub. Jump into the sock craze with both feet and worry about the details later. eBay offers a wide variety of options and sizes, all in white.

Basketball players wear white socks. They probably didn't purchase their gear via eBay, but no one can tell for sure. Some guaranteed no-cut contracts include free footwear but no stipulation as to origin is typically included.

A pleasant generic sock with no logos. It feels nice.
A pleasant generic sock with no logos. It feels nice. | Source

Go Plain

Nothing catches the eye of potential suitors and Customs Agents quite like an unaffiliated hat. That unused space above the bill and below the crown tells sycophants that your allegiance is still up for grabs.

Everyone within eyeshot will know that you can be bought, but the right offer hasn't come in, yet. It may be the designer creation of a minimalist art school dropout from Sorbonne or an ongoing protest against corporate dominance. No one will really know, but they will be unable to tear their gaze from your vacant forehead.

Plain is hip. It's the new madras. Red carpet celebrities model tuxedos and gowns adorned with no logos whatsoever. Fawning reporters must ask them out loud "who" they are wearing. The answer always surprises and amazes.

We're not condoning plain white T's and generic denim, unless you're a farmer on a budget. Plain is hot, but too much plain causes friends to wonder about you.

Go Hillsdale

It's subtle and significant at the same time. Few people have heard of it but everyone soon will. Festoon yourself with politically appropriate garb adorned with Hillsdale logos before everyone starts doing it. It'll always be cool, but you surely want to be one of the first in line.

Defend your Constitution according to your mode of dress. It's easy and fun and most liberals can't read anyway. You'll feel safe attending a Tea Party rally or a Million Handout March on the National Mall.

Drive a BMW wagon

Yes, BMW represents an epitome of wretched excess. However, a station wagon is so far back to the 1970's that any brand recognition cancels out. Sure, a BMW tells the world you behave as a lemming. On the other hand, a used car embarrasses the family well beyond any cachet afforded by German performance vehicles.

Take the plunge. Look online for used station wagons from high-end luxury European vendors. A 3-series jitney isn't beyond the budget of most middle class shoppers. Have the thing inspected before mailing the check, but don't be surprised if a new oil filter costs you as much as an engine rebuild for a Chevy Cobalt. It's all relative.

I want to be a walking billboard and I don't care who knows.

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This could be you. Or not.
This could be you. Or not. | Source


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    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 4 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Mott the Hooples?

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 4 years ago from south Florida

      Your white socks reference, nicomp, provided a bit of welcome deja vu. When I attended high school, eons ago, we called guys who wore white socks with dress slacks 'hooples.' Just sayin'.