How to Make Money in the Sleaziest Ways Possible that are Still (Probably) Legal
Do you ever feel like you're contributing too much to society and that you wish you could just make money by being less productive instead of more?
Does it ever irk you that people actually smile and seem grateful whenever you make any kind of trade or sell them something, almost like they got something good out of it, or--worse yet--it was an equal, win-win transaction?
Do you wish you could be so sleazy that you just barely miss being a full-on leech on society?
Well, your wait is over because I have compiled a list of suggestions on how to make money as unproductively as possible!
1 - Go to Walmart and buy one of those 48-packs of cheap women's menstrual pads, (a.k.a Vagina Pillows). If you're a woman, go to a women's public lavatory. If you're a man, put on a wig and a dress, then go to a women's lavatory.
Wait around and eventually a woman will complain that Oh no! She just got her period unexpectedly and forgot to bring any feminine supplies with her. If there are other women in the toilets with whom she is familiar, tell her you can help her out, but she'll have to pay you a dollar for the pad because you're not made of money and pads are expensive. If the restroom is otherwise empty and she thusly has no one else to turn to, be bolder and charge her five dollars per pad.
If you sell all 48 of them, you will have 48 dollars in the least or 240 dollars at the most. Either way, this is a healthy profit from a pack of feminine napkins that shouldn't cost you more than 4 dollars.
2 - Go to a dollar store and buy a few six-packs of those "hugs" sugar-water-with-food-coloring drinks or another comparable, differently-branded pack of sugar-water. Each pack of six (or, if you're lucky, eight) shouldn't cost more than a dollar. That's about 16.6667 cents per bottle (er, container?) worth of investment.
Now, wait for a hot day when there's no ice cream truck around, and sell them to little kids for 50 cents each. But that's not too bad, not even really in the realm of sleaziness, so if you're truly a huge enough asshole, you might be able to convince them to buy it from you for a whole 1.00 USD.
Little kids don't know the value of things as well as adults do and, if they have the money, they'll usually just spend it. Beware of the one little kid that is actually a more experienced shopper and may warn the others that they are getting gouged. Usually, though, it doesn't matter, because little kids don't really care; if they're thirsty, they'll try to find something to drink, period.
3 - Offer to secretly do the homework of bored middle school students for a few dollars.
Why middle school students? Elementary school students have little access to money and very little freedom even at home; they spend very little time without their parent's constant supervision. High school students' assignments are a bit more elaborate and thus may take more time and not be as worth it.
Middle school is the happy medium. Middle school students, especially in the later grades, are given a bit more freedom to roam around and run into sleazy asses like you and also have schoolwork that is manageable and easy to do.
English and History papers work best because there's usually such a strict rubric with such things that the paper practically writes itself. In a way, you're doing society a favor by allowing kids to be kids and giving their young minds a well-needed breather from the rigors of tedious schoolwork. They can then spend their time doing more productive things, like writing poetry.
4 - Take napkins and condiments from fast food restaurants, repackage them, then sell them to people for cheap.
The napkins are pretty easy to manage. Just grab a handful here and there, then put them in some shrink wrap or the plastic wrap you use for leftovers. Make it all professional-looking. Even draw a sweet logo on it with a permanent marker.
The condiments are more tricky. Most ketchup and sauce packets aren't very big, so you're going to have to do a lot of squeezing to get any substantial container full of the stuff.
It's recommended that you don't get all of your supplies from the same restaurant, as you might make people notice you and/or decimate their condiment supply too much. We want to be sleazy here, but not to the point where we're inconveniencing people too much or too obviously. So go "shopping around," so to speak, and visit several restaurants in the same general area, grabbing a handful of napkins and condiments at every location.
5 - Sell "bottled water" to people that came from the faucet.
Contrary to apparent popular belief, it is indeed safe to drink from the faucet. Oftentimes safer than drinking from bottled water.
Get empty disposable water bottles, wash and sanitize them, tear the labels off or make new ones, then fill them up with faucet water. It doesn't even have to be from your faucet (which might affect your water bill). Most fast food restaurants will give you free water and, if they don't, just go to the bathroom and fill the bottles up with water from the sink.
Sell them to thirsty people in places where other beverages are not readily available. The price is up to you, and may vary by location. (For example, if the location is in the middle of Nevada in the summer on the side of the road next to a broken-down car waiting to be towed, the price could be 40 or 50 dollars per bottle.)
So there you have it. If it's true what they say that nice guys finish last, then it stands to reason that assholes must finish first, right? Right? Or, maybe, I don't know, you could just get a job or something like that.