I Just Work Here and Other Things You Might Not Know About Your Server.
On Being Out of Stock
You see sir, I just work at this restaurant. I do not own it, nor am I the manager, though I will gladly go get him so you can yell at him. I do not place the food or liquor order. I am quite sorry we are out of your favorite dish, but if you could kindly stop acting like a three year old it would make my night much easier.
On Menu Changes
They do not consult me about changes to the menu including pricing, addition of items or discontinuation of items. Yes, sir. I understand the menu sent to your house last month has different prices. You see, it would be impossible to gather all of our old menus upon releasing the new ones. I am sorry sir, I did not raise the prices on the menu. Yes, sir. I am very impressed that you are a lawyer, though I am not sure what relevance that carries at the moment. Of course an extra fifty cents per dish is quite outrageous in this economy, with gas prices so high. Obviously, the price of food for us remains exactly the same no matter how much gas and grocery prices rise. I am sure you learned about that in law school.
On Food Being Late
I am a server, and not a cook. It even says so on my name tag. In fact there are many other employees who work here other than me. I am really quite sorry that your well done steak is taking so long to cook. I understand you are quite hungry. Yes ma'am I understand your frustration that the couple who sat down after you received their food first. You see, lettuce and tomatoes do not have to be cooked, but I am quite sorry that the salads had the audacity to come out before your steak. I will be sure to talk to the kitchen manager about their poor performance. Of course ma'am, let me go check on your steak.
On Your Food Coming Out "Wrong"
I am sorry to hear that you failed to notice those words printed under the entree you ordered that describe it. Yes ma'am, I understand that you do not like onions, that is why the menu states the chicken and rice includes onions. Talking to me like I am a three year old is exactly the correct way to handle this situation. Of course ma'am I will be happy to fix that for you, it is no problem.
Yes sir, that is in fact the pizza your ordered. You see, Chicago style pizza is different from New York style pizza and the sauce comes on top of the cheese. Of course sir, I understand that your child is completely incapable of eating a pizza that will surely taste different when the sauce on top of the cheese once you chew it up in your mouth. I will be glad to remake that for you sir.