At the risk of being flagged as substandard, we present the compendium of crucial Jersey gear. Don't risk being spotted in Asbury Park without these products. We're here to help.
New Jersey Devils ProToast Toaster
No self-respecting Jersey Girl steps out to another day of toiling at the hair salon without several slices of toast as part of a nutritious breakfast. Toast emblazoned with the New Jersey Devils logo tastes even better. Add a quart of tomato juice and a pint of cottage cheese: you'll be satisfied until lunchtime rolls around.
New Jersey State Decal Sticker
Every New Jersey denizen boasts at least one vehicle, and it may even be registered in their name. This adorable decal announces to the world that you're a proud member of the Jersey population. Don't drive into Manhattan without representing. From Cape May to Patterson, everyone is included.
It peels off easily in case your windshield is smashed by concrete falling from an overpass on the 295. Better order several.
Jersey Milk Chocolate Bars
Every self-respecting Jersey citizen loves chocolate. It's a handy snack while stuck somewhere in the swamps of Jersey or waiting in line at the DMV. This example of chocolaty goodness is actually made in Canada, which is like Jersey but without the efficient waste management companies.
Walden Farms Jersey Sweet Onion Dressing
It's fat-free, calorie-free, sugar-free, and carb-free. You'd expect this to be a bottle of Jersey air, but there's actually some salad dressing there. Sure, it's jersey tastiness with none of the pesky food-based annoyances that you expect in most edible concoctions.
Gloves keep your hands warm and prevent annoying fingerprints. Order these Jersey gloves by the dozen so you can discard them when necessary. Comfortably work on your car, someone elses car, or an abandoned car somewhere in the swamps of Jersey. Order a size that fits your big meaty longshoreman hands or your delicate pink hairdresser hands.
New Jersey Tie Oxford
Strolling into the strip mall to pickup a lottery ticket or collect the 'rent' money is always more comfortable when wearing a pair of Jersey Tie Oxfords. Your crew will look upon you with great respect. Keep them shined to a mirror finish. The sole is rubber: no one will hear you coming.
New Jersey Flag
Your Jersey swag should include a Jersey flag. Hang it proudly from the front porch. Use it as a landmark so you can find your vehicle in the Meadowlands parking lot. This durable flag is 100% polyester, just like those hip leisure suits you see at the New Brunswick mall.
Jersey bovine are fine. This exemplary example of ruminant pays tribute to the historic working farms from Hammonton to Glassboro. It's hand-painted and would look perfect on your mantle or bedside table.
Club Steering Wheel Lock
We don't understand why cars don't have this as standard equipment. Sure, they can smash the windows and steal your 8-track player, but they won't have time to hacksaw off this steering wheel lock before the police arrive, usually.
Affix this device to your favorite vehicle. Unless you have an insurance scam running, go ahead and lock it as well. It will discourage thieves and relatives from absconding with your wheels. Well, they may actually steal the exterior wheels anyway.