- Personal Finance»
- Banks, S&L's, Credit Unions
Need A Loan? At The First National Mafia Bank Of Corleone We Say YES!
Can't get credit? Facing foreclosure? Maxed out your credit cards? Your conventional lenders are just hanging up on you when you call for a higher credit limit? The current economic meltdown has frozen credit throughout the world. But there is still one institution that will listen to your concerns and lend you the money you need today. Where the conventional lenders have hunkered down and are hoarding their cash, we have actually stepped up our lending of unlimited sums of money for any purpose: debt consolidation, paying off your mortgage, expanding your business, or a snoot full of coke.
Yes, we are the First National Mafia Bank of Corleone. We understand the economic troubles you're experiencing and we're here to help. We have a long tradition of lending money to people in need since we've been in business much longer than Citibank, Bank Of America, or even the United States of America.
Dealing with us at the First National Mafia Bank of Corleone is fast and easy. Are you concerned about your low FICO credit score? Fuggedaboudit! Are you concerned that you're self employed? Fuggedaboudit! Are you concerned that you have insufficient collateral? Fuggedaboudit!
We at the First National Mafia Bank of Corleone don't run credit checks, verify your work references, or worry about what collateral you have. In fact to get an unlimited loan from the friendly lending agents at the First National Mafia Bank of Corleone, you don't even need to submit to a credit check. All we need to know is your address and the names and addresses of a few of your close relatives, especially spouses and children.
Within minutes, you will be approved for any amount you require: $1,000, $10,000, $100,000 or more! And we won't hand you a hard-to-cash check which you'll have to deposit into your account in plain sight of the IRS! No, we give you cash cash cash! Just say the word and we'll start counting out $100 bills into your palm immediately. The bills may have a trace of white powdery residue on them, but that does not detract from the fact that they are big, beautiful, Franklin C-Notes!
We know you are a busy working person and can't just take time out of your frantic day to stand in line at the bank during banker's hours. That's why the lending agents at the First National Mafia Bank of Corleone are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, including holidays (except for Christmas, Easter, San Gennaro Day, and Mario Puzo's birthday). Don't worry if you can't come to us, our lending agents are everywhere you are. If you need an immediate cash loan on a Saturday at 2 am in the alley behind a nightclub, no problem! We're there for you!
Our repayment plans are custom tailored to fit your cashflow needs. We understand that even with the best intentions sometimes you just don't have the funds to make your monthly payment. In those cases, a short, friendly chat with our professional, trained collection agents will swiftly and conclusively resolve any difficulties you may be experiencing, and as an extra added bonus, you'll have plenty of time in traction to think it over! Perhaps you'll even be joined by some loved ones!
That's what the First National Mafia Bank of Corleone is all about. Helping people out of their financial troubles so that they can spend quality time with their families. In the hospital.
The First National Mafia Bank of Corleone is your friend in tough times. We're there for you. Always.
The First National Mafia Bank of Corleone is an equal opportunity lender registered with the FDIC (Fuggedaboud Deposits Insurance Corporation).