What, Presents for Christmas?
Christmas, or 'the holidays', or the-day-after-Thanksgiving-through-the-last-college-bowl-game, brings forth a commercial bonanza. A virtual cornucopia of purchasing opportunities gets into our collective faces. Two nagging questions lurk in everyone's brain:
- Should we get a real or artificial tree?
- Whom should we buy a present for?
Questionable grammar aside, Christmas offers gift-giving flexibility heretofore unavailable during lesser holidays. Valentines Day merits candy, flowers, and mind bogglingly expensive greeting cards that play songs. Selections for President's Day are limited to commemorative coins and strategic copies of Leaves of Grass. Fourth of July requires fireworks.
The Secret to Presents for Christmas
Anything with a Christmas motif.
That's it. That's the List.
Shop for anything for Christmas that looks like Christmas. Buy up stuff with Santa Claus on it, items with jingle bells, velvet paintings of evergreen trees, and virtually any gizmo that lights up red and green or plays Silent Night by a band named after a German city and a piece of road-building equipment.
Virtually every natural occurrence has been commemorated on a veritable plethora of quilts. Imagine your embarrassment should friends and family pop over for Christmas Dinner only to realize that your welcoming space sorely lacks appropriate quiltage.
Santa Claus Dishwasher Cover Magnet
We're all ashamed to have a dishwasher, but capitalism comes to the rescue. Affix this handy magnetized cover to your least-favorite kitchen appliance for instant holiday spirit. You'll forget that there are dirty dishes in there from Thanksgiving.
Reindeer Vehicle Costume
Cars and reindeer share so much in common that it's only natural to doll up your vehicle as such. This handy kit includes two (2) antlers and one (1) red nose, which is obviously sufficient to camouflage any single automobile in any holiday garage.
Christmas Sprinkle Mix
Dump a modicum of Christmas Sprinkles onto your holiday cookies and cakes. Over 5 different colors of sprinkles come pouring out of the 7.1 ounce plastic container that actually looks much larger. A pour spout and a shaker opening are included at no extra charge.
It's certified kosher.
No-Burn 1019 Christmas Tree Fire Gard
Your Christmas Tree should light up, but not burn up. It should create a warm feeling in the hearts of your family, but not a hot spot in the corner of the living room. It should bring back memories of holidays gone by, but not wake up the smoke detector.
Glob this stuff onto your (live) tree to reduce the possibility of holiday conflagration.
SpongeBob SquarePants® Bikini Bottom® Aquarium Ornaments
Sure, Christmas is celebrated in Bikini Bottom. Why wouldn't it be? Join Sponge Bob, Squidward, Mr. Krab, and all the other wild and wacky residents of our favorite undersea world with no rules. It's supposed to go into your aquarium, but add a hook and it could become a Christmas tree ornament. Stranger things have happened.
A Christmas Story Nightlight
Proving that even iconic Christmas pop culture references can be run into the ground, this kitschy nightlight commemorates one of the more uncomfortable moments from Everyone's Favorite Christmas movie. Put one on your nightstand so you can wake up to the sultry glow of a major award.
Ty Beanie Babies Hello Kitty With Present
A Hello Kitty holding a Christmas present would make a fine gift for the person who never quite understood the real meaning of Christmas. No list of presents for Christmas would be complete without an adaptation of the Hello Kitty motif. It's inherently adorable, as are all Hello Kitty applications. No one can resist the over-sized head: if this was a real cat, it would topple over. Few among us can ignore the cuteness exuded by a Hello Kitty product.
98 degrees This Christmas
Not so much a Boy Band any more, these middle-aged balding paunchy jowly dudes continue to hang on and cash in. 98 Degrees can belt out pop-culture versions of holiday songs as well as any other 1990's crooners. it's a perfect present for Christmas because it has the word Christmas in the title.
Santa's Lump of Coal Christmas Soap
Tradition suggests poorly behaving children receive lumps of coal from Santa. Coal-shaped soap becomes the reward of filthy poorly behaving children. It's candy-cane scented and made by hands attached to bodies that go to work on American soil. Don't even think about purchasing offshore coal-shaped soap.
10x15 Urban Gold Mansion Christmas Holiday Background
This is somewhat confusing, so stick with us... you purchase this backdrop and hang it on a wall. Someone else stands in front of it and another someone else takes pictures of them. A third someone else receives the pictures as part of a Christmas-based mailing and immediatly believes that the the second someone else, who is in the photograph, actually lives in the urban mansion depicted in the background.
Ignore the fact that the third someone (the someone who receives the photograph) has probably been to the home of the second someone (the someone who is in the photograph). It's a Christmas without rules.