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Social Security Owes Me Money
Social Security Owes Me Money
Dear IRS Person,
First of all, I hope you are having a good day. Why? Because: #1. I just like hearing that people are having a good day, and #2. Because honestly, it gives my letter to you a better chance of not ending up in "the round file". By "Good Day", if you are a male, I hope you started your day with a nice hot shower, a good hearty breakfast (because it truly is the most important meal of the day), I hope that you didn't have to stand in line too long at Dunkin Donuts for your morning coffee, and lastly, I hope that you got a little sumpin' sumpin' last night. If this letter is being read by a female, by "Good Day", I hope that when you woke this morning, you got a hot shower and while stepping out of that shower as you stepped on the dreaded weight scale- I hope it read 3 lbs. lighter than yesterdayl. I hope that your children are grown and no longer living at home, so that you could leave the house without making lunches, ironing a skirt, or helping with last minute homework projects that are due today. I hope that you woke up 2 hours early, so that you had time to fix your hair and make-up. And lastly, I hope you gave your husband a little sumpin' sumpin' last night, so that you don't have to think about anything for the next week, other than that book your reading that sits on your nightstand.
The reason for my letter is this: How many years can I go back if I want to file an amended tax return? I would like to go back approx. 33 years, if that's possible. You see, I got a letter in the mail from you people that tells me when I retire, I will only be receiving some $300 per month. My kid's cell phone bill is $300 a month!! There has been a terrible mistake, and I did not file my taxes correctly all of these years. I have to admit, that "Tax Returns" have always been an item on my husband's "To Do" list, and therefore I had no knowledge of his "typical" male ignorance. Do you believe that he has had me listed as "unemployed" for the past 33 years?! Yep! Typical male thinking!
Oh, I have been working alright! You see, he should have listed my job description as: Self- Employed, and my title as: a Domestic. For 33 years, I have worked scrubbing floors (before they invented the Swiffer); I have cooked approximately 2 meals a day, 365 days per year for 33 years for a family of 6. (Now I want to stop right here and let you know, that I have personally heard of many people cheating on their taxes. I won't name names, because I am NOT a rat. Well okay...I WILL give you one name: Donald Talbot...he's a contractor that has cheated a lot of home owners out of money, and I'd be willing to bet he never reports any of his income. Anywhoo... cheating for myself is just not in my makeup! For example: I could have EASILY told you that I had prepared THREE meals a day for all of those years, but you and I both know that technically, cereal for breakfast does not count as a meal! So you see Sir/Madam...I am no cheat.) Along with the cleaning and cooking, I have done yard work (shoveled driveways with an actual shovel, not a snowblower), I've taxied/chauffered kids to numerous ballgames, birthday parties, and friends' houses. I've been a personal shopper to this brood: shopping for Christmas gifts, school clothes, school supplies, etc.... I've been an event planner- hosting numerous birthday and graduation parties (do you believe kids graduate from kindergarten, middle school, high school, the Tech, & then Unniversity now-a-days! Makes you understand more clearly how Mr. Hallmark & Mr. American Greetings got rich now, doesn't it?) I've done dog walking and litterbox cleaning. I've nursed children back to health from many a malady; from a burst appendix to a first period. (True...the appendix BURST, because I first had misdiagnosed that stomach pain as constipation, and I apologized for that.) Anyway, I think you get the picture. It is ludicrous that my husband would have noted that I was "unemployed" on our tax forms all of these years!
So please ammend my tax forms (as far back as you can). I would like myself to be listed as Self-Employed with a Home Business! I would like you to deduct my entire house, because I have worked in every single room, every day of my life. I would like you to deduct all of my cabs throughout the years and the gas, oil and repairs for those cabs; to include: a Toyota Tercel, a Toyota 4-Runner, and a Toyota Corolla. (what can I say? The Japanese make a good car. Besides that- I feel a little guilty about Hiroshima & Nagasaki; in the same way that I feel a little guilty about Slavery, and about not being there to Welcome Home the Viet Nam Vets with ticker tape parades); a Dodge Durango, a Volvo (that was a good year!), a Ford Fairlane; a Mercury Sable, and a Honda Element. I would like to deduct all of my cleaning supplies: Windex, Mr. Clean, Pine-Sol, Scrubbing Bubbles etc... (I think you get the point here.) I would like to list ZERO dependents...although between you and I, we both know that all of these clowns have depended on me for everything, from feeding them a bottle at 2am to returning and paying for an overdue DVD. I still choose to list ZERO dependents, because I have always had it ingrained in my brain: that it is better to pay out more now by claiming zero dependents, then getting a surprise bill from you guys at the end of the year!
Can we talk here just for a minute about this "dependent thing"? I always hated that word: Dependent. UGH! From the day I was born, I was listed as a dependent for somebody. My parents listed me on their tax forms as a Dependent. When I married my husband, he was in the U.S. Air Force, and the Air Force listed me as a Dependent. Being "just" a housewife and mother of 4 all of these years, I myself, have come to believe that I am a Dependent. That I have depended on my husband's pay and career to support me & my family. Well answer me this....if "I" am the Dependent, then why every night for 33 years at around 7 o'clock does everyone in this family hang around staring at me looking so sad like those little kids in the "Save The Children" ads on TV...just begging for a meal? (Come on people...there's this thing called a "refrigerator" and this other thing called a "microwave oven"; both invented years ago!) But I'm the dependent! How come every day of my life I have heard people say to me things like: "We need more toothpaste!", "I need a notebook for school!" "We're all out of toilet paper!" "I need a ride to practice!" And I'm the Dependent? I guess you would understand now, why I think of the word "Dependent" as somewhat degrading. I am not a Dependent, I am a semi-retired self-employed Domestic and I want my money.
Don't give me this $300 a month Social Security stipend either! My daughter gets more than that from you government people just for having a baby out of wedlock...and, she gets it in CASH! They also throw in Free Food Vouchers (it's politically correct to call it an EBT card now, not Food Stamps); and..she gets Free Medical. I have an insurance plan that I pay for and that only pays $6 toward a teeth cleaning! Don't you call me a Dependent! I ain't nobody's bitch! Don't you dare say I sat on my a** my whole life and did nothing! You people owe me money and I want it. I'm not going to ask for any interest on that money, because I realize that this Country is in a whole mess of financial trouble right now, but I will point out that by keeping my money all of these years, YOU have been able to use the interest on MY money! Hah! What do you say to that? I say, that you are looking at a good American right here sister (or mister...cause I don't know who's reading this letter). So you just go ahead and do what you have to do to fix this. I realize that it was my husband who made a mistake when filing, but it's time to right this wrong! Again, I realizeand am not entirely sympathetic regarding this Country's money troubles, but that had nothing to do with me, I've only voted a handful of times in my life (and not unlike my husband- it looks like all you all have made a few money mistakes yourselves, eh?) So do what you have to do, but bottom line is this: pay up! I'll be fully retired soon and at $300 a month, I don't want to become one of the Government's Dependents. Just drop one of those Space Flights or forclose on that Camp David vacation site... just do something. It can be done. I can even offer you another bailout if need be. Let's conduct this transaction like the Powerball Lottery! Let's just say you owe me $3,000 per year for the past 33 years. That comes out to $99,000 I think. Instead of paying me $4,950 per year for the next 20 years, not unlike the Lottery, you can pay me my back wages in a one-lump sum option of...let's just say $50,000. But after that...I intend to look over my husband's shoulder to make sure that he files my taxes correctly. Oh yeah...and don't forget to fix that Social Security thing...cause I sure as hell am not going to be able to live on that paltry farce of a $300 per month stipend that you thought you were going to throw my way! You may have thought that I was just going to accept being a Dependent all of my life until I died and disappeared in a Cloud of Dust, well it ain't happening. And if I don't get some satisfaction soon, I'll go over your head...do you happen to have the address of Oprah Winfrey?
Respectfully yours, From one American to another,
P.S. Dont' you ever screw with me again and insult me with your $300 a month. And don't you ever call me a "Dependent" again. I swear, I'll slap a class action lawsuit on you so fast for discriminating against housewives everywhere!