Stop buying my stuff
Please Spend Elsewhere
Accept our deepest appreciation for making us thousandaires, but enough is certainly enough. We are grateful for all your purchases of our survival gear, watches, and jute. It's time to turn off the spigot of cash: please spend elsewhere. Find another outlet for your free time.
We don't want to leave you bereft of activity. Here are a few things you can do. Instead of sending us cash on a regular basis, consider alternate activities to occupy your time.
Go for a walk
Put on your shoes and go for a walk. Your endorphins will distract you from the admirable yet annoying urge to buy more of my stuff. I appreciate your money, I really do. At this time I simply have sufficient amounts of it.
Wrap some comfortable Asic's Gel Nimbus shoes around your feet. Your toes will thank you and so will my bank account.
Keep your fingers occupied with something else beside clicking on my products. Your mouse needs a rest. Knitting offers the 5th best activity that can be done with yarn. When finished, send me a photo of your handiwork: I'll enjoy that much more than the profits I reap from selling you stuff.
As of now, no photos have arrived. I know you all are knitting and pearling: let me hear from you. A Facebook page with no knitting pictures is like a fish without a bicycle. We're depending on each and every one of you.
Television watching is often maligned by people who malign stuff for a living. We're not here to judge. Feel free to vegetate in front of your television as frequently as possible. Enjoy reruns of sitcoms that were bad then they were new. Click through the channels repeatedly while staring zombie-like at your digital entertainment device. We appreciate your consideration.
Make some bread
Fill your home/apartment/RV with the aromatic aroma of baking bread. Bake up some fresh fluffy rolls, smother them with local honey, and continue watching TV. All these activities should distract you from distracting us with your money.
Bread is the best thing you can make in your bread machine.
Start a Personal Finance Blog
With your unspent money safely tucked away in a mattress, start a blogging. Tell your tale to the world. You may be invited to appear on a reality TV series chronicling consumers who send me too much money. It could happen.
Blogging is the new diary. Instead of compiling your deepest dreams and desires into a locked notebook hidden under the bed, broadcast your moderately coherent ramblings across the Internet in the hope that a lonely loner in cyberspace will find respite in your heartfelt words. It could happen, but probably not.
Good grief, don't compost your cash, but many other seemingly worthless household items can be composted. Find a place in your finely manicured back yard amidst the daisies and fescue. Tuck in a custom-made composter. You neighbors will be happy to know that you plan to save the Earth rather than buy more of my stuff.
If you insist to purchase additional items, be sure to recycle packaging. Paper, Styrofoam, glass, and plastic deserve to be reduced, reused, and recycled. It's a big world and we all live together in it.
Toss in your organic foodstuffs along with a few worms: in no time at all you'll have dirt and more worms. Sell the worms and don't use the money to buy more of my stuff.
Play With Zombie Ducks
Should you find your life bereft of zombie ducks, order up a few immediately. We will overlook your momentary loss of willpower. Your contribution to our bank account will be accepted contingent on the understanding that everyone needs zombie rubber ducks floating in the bath. We couldn't deal with the stress of knowing that anyone missed out on this craze because we were too selfish to accept more money.
We love you, but stop buying my stuff. I no longer need your money. My coffers runneth over. Spend your cash on something else.
If you need to make some quick cash: this guy might be able to help you. He has many qualifications uniquely suited for online riches acquisition.