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Tax Reform, the Gift that Keeps on Giving

Updated on January 3, 2018

The Three Musketeers

Republican lawmakers in Washington continued popping open the champagne bottles and aggressively fondling desperate young female interns this holiday after their major legislative victory last week.

With the final conquest of holdouts such as Suzanne Collins of Maine, Republicans were able to finalize their landmark tax bill and send it off triumphantly to the general himself, President Trump.

However, given that the bill had 0 votes from Democratic senators and it was introduced and voted on at an unusually accelerated pace, concerns were raised over the proposal’s fairness and whether it violated any principles of lawmaking. Republicans, though, shrugged these off as “silly” and one senator noted, “Just as our Lord Jesus was tempted in the desert by Satan, so are our Democratic colleagues tempted by the poisonous philosophy of Obama.”

The public, too, is suspicious of the bill, especially because it has been vehemently marketed by Republicans as a “middle-class miracle.” And by all accounts, the new tax reform bill is the gift that keeps on giving, even if it only gives to the top 1%. “The rich will certainly continue getting richer,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) stated. “And what happens to the poor is not our problem, but society’s.” Other Republicans, included House Speaker Paul Ryan, echoed this sentiment. He remarked, “The wealthy are the only people who really matter, when you think about it. Ask yourselves this question: When have the poor done anything for us? You will not find an answer, and you will have completed the most important step in becoming a fiscal conservative - completely foregoing your sense of empathy.”

Democrats erupted in a firestorm of protest, but, as is true for every one of their complaints, they were in vain. “Generic bitching, generic bitching, generic bitching,” Democratic Minority Leader Chuck Schumer declared angrily at a press conference. “Republicans suck, Trump sucks, and the American public sucks for not listening to us.”

As for the actual substance of the bill, many professionals noted that it was riddled with holes - tax loopholes. “This bill,” wrote one accountant, “can be abused as much as a child’s fragile character in the most formative years of their life. It’s more lacking in bulletproof financial practice than my neighbor with AIDS is lacking in white blood cells. And, most importantly, it’s more complicated than my wife’s stated reasons for the divorce.”

Republicans responded to complaints of complexity by pointing out the bill’s simplification of the tax brackets, and Paul Ryan reiterated his claim that your returns can now be “filled out on a postcard - a postcard you buy in France while browsing the selection of hookers in Nice.”

Besides what is contained within the bill, Republicans had other reasons to celebrate. It marked their first big legislative accomplishment during the Trump administration, a fact which certainly did not go unnoticed. “At this rate,” calculated one senior senator, “we’ll be able to get through all of our other priorities by the beginning of Trump’s second term - kicking out all the Mexicans, utterly destroying North Korea, and completing our merger with Russia.”

All in all, it gives America something to celebrate this holiday season. “Forget about love and bonding and all that liberal nonsense,” said one analyst. “Republicans lived up to their Christian roots and, in the same way that God gave us Jesus, the greatest gift of all, 2000 years ago - only 4000 years after the universe was created, I might add! - the GOP has given us tax reform, a close second on the list of the best things that ever happened to the human race.” For years to come, according to Republican senators, voters can appreciate the gift of tax return. Trump himself but it best: “Now, because of the tax reform, the common man - and his faithful servant of a wife - has enough money to buy an extra half of a quarter of a fifth of a tenth of a house, while the exceptional man (like me) has enough extra money to buy another property in a foreign country. Merry Christmas to all, and to all blessed spending!”


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