10 Easy Ways That "I" Could Upgrade The Art of Hitch-hiking
Introduction to hitch-hiking
Let’s set the situation. You, a man or woman, are traveling cross-country having a ball, nothing is worrying you, and in the same fashion as The Grim Reaper, you hear this sickening-explosion. Instinctually, you think it’s a sniper attack. Maybe a land mine hidden in the highway by a sophisticated terrorist group. Your car suddenly veers to the left, then to the right. You are so scared your throat is closed. You cannot scream for help. My oh my, what on earth will you do?
Then it hits you. You have had a simple blow-out, so now you relax, smile and calmly follow the procedure for safely changing a tire. You set the parking brake, turn on your emergency flashers so no one will be stupid enough to hit you. You casually open your trunk, then stand for half an hour trying to understand how to get the small spare tire out along with the car jack that is so complex, you swear the C.I.A. designed it for stake-out duty. But you are a person totally in-charge of the situation and your emotions. You are not scared in the least.
You are doing well on your own
After an hour of changing tires, you put the jack and blown tire in your trunk, buckle your seatbelt, fire-up your automobile, check your appearance in the rear-view mirror and you are ready to roll. You chuckle at how some people under the same circumstances would have panicked. But not you. You are on the “top of your game.”
About two miles down the highway, bam! Oh, no. Another blow-out. This time it is your small spare-tire that has “went south.” Now you are slowly growing concerned. You are officially-stranded on the side of the road in a near-desolate area. Come to think of it, you have not seen another automobile for three hours. Fear, like a Ninja, is creeping into your thoughts. The afternoon sun beats down on your back as you pace back and forth on the roadside trying to figure-out how you will get to your destination.
Ahhh, the old reliable cell phone. You grab the phone like a hungry female Hyena with a litter of pups. Oops, now you remember that you have not charged your phone in days. Plus, the charger is on the nightstand in your bedroom. So you check your trunk in search of some signaling-device to attract someone’s attention. But there are no flares. And if you had a case of flares just whom would you signal? There is no one out here to pick you up.
Hitch-hiking to the rescue
You hate it, but you have no choice but to resort to the oldest style of transportation besides walking: Hitchhiking. Sure. This will work. Someone is bound to come down this road eventually. After two hours of walking, your ears perk up at the sound of a car headed your way. You stand up straight, smile and stick-up your thumb. No dice. The driver flips you off as he drives by. Then you read a sticker on his back bumper: “I Hate Hitchhikers, The Lazy Bums,” and now it all becomes clear. Unless someone can see you in total-darkness, you are stuck in the middle of nowhere, alone, tired and now worried about wild animals who might come down from the woodlands on the side of the road and eat you alive. And some wack-o who loves to pick-up stranded people, rob them, and kick them out of their car way down the road. Friend, you have seen way too many movies.
Although this has only been a fictitious situation, I can sympathize for anyone who has to hitchhike today in 2014. It is not an easy way to catch a ride as it used to be when people trusted each other. This day and time you need “an edge,” to be a success at “riding your thumb,” so now I am overjoyed to share with you—
To Keep from Hitchhiking, I Stock My Trunk With These Supplies:
- A bag of twenty-dollar bills to pay someone to stop and pick me up.
A miniature bicycle that I can ride instead of hitchhiking.
Lots of fireworks and flares to get the attention of motorists who will stop and let me ride.
A mannequin with fake blood on its face to lay in the hghway while I stand over it and cry--surely a traveler with compassion with stop to find out what is wrong, then let me ride with them to my destination.
A white bed sheet to stretch across the road to get people to stop (out of curosity) and then let me ride.
An Emmett Kelly costume. No one can resist this sad clown who needs a ride.
A goat costume to use in case the Emmett Kelly trick fails.
A flashing L.E.D. sign that says: "Please let me ride. I have a date with a Playboy bunny." Men drivers will stop on a dime to just see if I can set them up with a bunny of their own.
A huge cardboard sign to use in daytime that says: "Free Super Bowl Tickets for a Ride to The Next Town!"
Always keep these items in the trunk of your car, then you will not have to embarrass yourself by hitchhiking.
Source: Me. Kenneth Avery
10 Easy Ways That “I” Could Upgrade The Art of Hitchhiking
- Jump up and down in the middle of the road until a car stops before it hits me. Then I ask for a ride.
- I get down on my knees to get attention, and as a car slows down, I start begging for ride.
- When I spot a car not slowing down, I go to my “track star” mode and run alongside of the car. The driver will stop when he or she sees you heaving for breath and shedding tears too, and offer you a ride. (But this tip comes with a catch. You have to stay in tip-top shape the year around).
- Start yelling when I see a car coming my way and pointing to the side of the road. People who are naturally-curious will stop to see if I have discovered some lost money or some valuable piece of treasure.
- Girls, please DO NOT use the old show your legs to the people driving their cars. This is terribly-dangerous. Some idiot, a sex-crazed man, will stop and pick you up alright, but he might cause you bodily harm, so I suggest that you just cross your arms and look pouty. Some curious men are so curious, they will stop to see why you did not show some leg to get a ride.
- As a car or truck approaches, pretend to faint and slump to the ground. Someone with a heart will stop to see if you are okay. Be sure to extend your thanks to the driver.
- Have a piece of inflatable lumber in your trunk and lay it in the road. A car WILL stop to avoid damage to their car. Then innocently-ask for a ride, but be quick to say that you were afraid to mess with the lumber for fear it might be a time-bomb.
- If you are built like Lou Ferrigno, take your shirt off. Some adoring woman WILL stop and be glad to give you a ride. This will also work if you are built like Bradley Cooper, Donnie Wahlberg or Mark Harmon.
- (This tip might be a tad deceptive.) Change into your priest clothing that you keep in your trunk. Most people will let a priest ride with them. Now if the good-hearted person asks, “How long have you been a priest, father?” You just laugh and reply, “Oh, I am not a priest. I just love wearing a priest’s clothing because they look so neat.” NOTE: if the driver has a short temper, be prepared to be put out of their car.
- Like me being a track star, when I see an oncoming car, I start jogging down the middle of the road so the car will slow down. Then to stall the driver, I put my hands on my knees and act out of breath. The frustrated-driver will say, “You have a problem, son?” Then you look very pitiful and reply, “Yes, sir. (or yes, ma’am), I need a ride, but I did not want to bother anyone.” Bingo. You are on your way with the driver who appreciates your honesty.
FINAL NOTE: If all of these tips fail, just walk as far as you can. I do not think a