10 Things That You Can Bet Will Go Wrong at a Funeral
A nice coffin
Doing some comparing
Comparing marriage ceremonies, graduation exercises, Christenings, giving out of special awards, and funerals, I would bet that you would agree that “the” event that the most serious and calls upon us to be our most-disciplined is the funeral.
I am not saying the other ceremonies are not important, it’s just at “these” ceremonies at least we can relax, exhale, even burp if we cover our mouth in time, but not, absolutely not, at a funeral.
And that’s how it should be. Paying our last respects to a friend or family member has to be serious and not displayed in a circus atmosphere.
Friends paying last respects
Pallbears have a heavy responsibility
Now for some ironic information
For those who like the FYI portion of hubs, here’s one for you: Of all these five dignified ceremonies, did you know that the marriage ceremony and funeral have the most in common? Yes, this is a sad-but-true fact. There are lots of flowers at both events. Both events have ministers and singers. There is lots of weeping at both ceremonies. One ceremony spells “the ending” of a life while the other signifies “the beginning” of two lives. To my knowledge, no one has ever thrown bags of rice at funerals, just weddings. And at a funeral there is no decorating the hearse with “Just married,” and “My Life is over,” sayings written with white shoe polish, and no cans tied to the back of the hearse to announce the funeral is over.
Us human beings try to be “tough as nails,” “rough as a cob,” and able to withstand any obstacle in life, but I know that is just our pride and vanity talking and strutting about. I gladly admit that “I” am not good at attending funerals—no matter how close the deceased and I were at one time. I just don’t have whatever it takes to sit for two hours (or more) and not let all of the depressing-darkness and sadness affect me. I am very weak in this way.
Priest comforts the widow of a man in his congregation
Funerals are also held in the rain
Some funerals are held at grave side
A single red rose signifying departure
Although most of the 10 things mentioned in this story can be considered humorous, if viewed in that light, but I personally have witnessed a few of these same things listed actually happening in funerals when I was a young boy.
Did these things affect me? Yes. I will not lie. And the more they affected me the more I began to realize that "I" was far from perfect.
Thank you . . .
My title today is:
"10 Things That You Can Bet Will Go Badly at a Funeral"
See if you agree.
DO NOT EAT – popcorn before you go to a funeral. You know that one little annoying husk that always gets stuck underneath that place in your throat that you cannot reach with your tongue? This is bound to happen and you do not want to sit and make grunting and gagging sounds while the eulogy is being read over the deceased.
DO NOT DRINK – big amounts of beer or coffee before a funeral. Your bladder has been slowly filling while you are driving down the road shaking your over-worked kidneys and just as sure as you sit down and try to be made of dignity, “you have to go.” And do you really want to be remembered as the man whose kidneys meant more to him than his friend who has gone to Heaven?
IF YOU HAVE A HEAD COLD – fill-up with cold capsules, cough syrup, any anti-cold medication you can get your hands on—and carry an available handkerchief because at the wrong time, a sneeze will try to sneak up on you and there is no way to stop it.
IF YOU EAT LOTS OF FOODS – that create gas in your intestines, then you are on your own for being a non-thinker. When the minister gets up to talk about the deceased who was known by all as “salt of the earth,” a shooting-pain will hit your lower intestines—nature’s signal that a big gas bubble is wanting to be released. You now have only two choices: Relieve the gas without that awful air horn sound (that is heard on tractor-trailer rigs) or head to the men’s room without bringing attention to yourself. This one is so tough that I do not have a feasible answer.
DO NOT SHARE JOKES – with your good buddies before the funeral begins because just as sure as you are reading this story, one of the more-humorous punch lines will stick in your mind and then you realize you are in a place of dignity and respect and no laughing is allowed, so human nature begins to illuminate this punch line over and over in your mind as you try to hold in that huge guffaw. Tears will be running down your cheeks, but that is fine. People will think they are tears of sadness, but you best have a believable reason for that smile on your face.
NEVER PLAY WITH BABIES – then head to the funeral. Somehow the baby has burped-up something he or she was drinking and it is all over the back of your black suit. You will know this has happened to you when you hear lots of toned-down whispers when you sit down.
NEVER FILL-UP ON GARLIC – based foods no matter how much whining your hot girlfriend insists. The delicious garlic tarts you are chowing-down on with your girlfriend at the family’s house of the deceased, will come back to haunt you each time you exhale during the funeral.
WHEN YOU TRIED ON YOUR – new suit, did you try the “squat test?” Okay. In case you are walking to where friends of the deceased are to be seated, and your girlfriend drops her purse, and the back of your tighter-than-usual pants rip, well, I suggest you just politely and discreetly seat your girlfriend and go home and change. No amount of covering of any material is going to save your butt now.
NEVER LET GO OF A FULL-SNEEZE – even if you are allergic to the perfume worn by the woman in front of you. Sneezes can attack without warning and with the “sudden sneeze,” comes mucus and other despicable liquids that will most-assuredly land on the dress of some woman who is in the direct path of the sneeze.
BE ATTENTIVE – during the funeral services of your feet, especially if your feet have a tendency to “go to sleep.” If you forget to check your feet and have to stand, you might look very stupid falling on your face for no reason. And no one will believe you when you try to explain about your feet “going to sleep.” They will just assume you are clumsy.