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Dangerous Things You Can't Do to Bigfoot

Updated on June 19, 2014

If I were Bigfoot, I'd be angry too with bad press like this


"No thanks. I gave at the office."


Before this is over

I'm going to bring Bigfoot back to notoriety. People will hold "him or her" in high-respect when they sit next to one at the movies. What a day for America--actually getting to know Bigfoot and how it lives.

That will lead to having Bigfoot over for dinner, summer cook-outs, babysitting when we go to the opera and many other "olive leaf" offerings to a beast that we have all at one point, grossly-misunderstood.

Let's not get carried-away

for after all, Bigfoot is a beast of nature. Wild, free, and not subject to our human-kind laws and policies, so let's just take a breath and slowly learn to talk to Bigfoot like we would our strange uncle "Lou," who only visits during drinking binges and needs the back room to "sleep it off."

Is this a hoaxster in an ape suit?


"This meditation is the bomb."


"Wife made me take up power-walking, baah."


"I saw you cut me off back there."


there are at least . . .

"Dangerous Things You Can't do to a Bigfoot"

and without any more chit-chat from yours truly, here they are:

15. Stick a pin in it's butt and watch it jump and growl.

14. Offer it a "prank" hamburger with an exploding piece of meat.

13. Make this noble beast wear a Batman costume.

12. Get the Bigfoot on a pair of water skis and see how fast you can pull it behind a boat.

11. Force the Bigfoot to drink a case of beer and then drive an ATV.

10. Irritate the Bigfoot until he or she loses its temper and tries to chase you, but you have a bucket of green house paint tied in a tree so when the Bigfoot runs underneath it, the bucket will spill the green paint all over the Bigfoot causing you and your gang to laugh until you cry.

9. Get the Bigfoot admitted to Harvard.

8. Tell your girlfriend that the Bigfoot is your "wing beast."

7. Take your friend, the Bigfoot to every bar in town and bet each bully fifty-bucks that they cannot take him in a fist-fight.

6. Use the Bigfoot to scare your enemies to death.

5. Promise the Bigfoot a fancy feast of grass, oats, and raw ham if it will only play middle linebacker on your high school football team.

4. Use the Bigfoot for a punching bag at your favorite gym.

3. Make the Bigfoot act like King Kong and climb the nearest television broadcasting antenna with a blow-up female doll in its hand.

2. Teach it to sing, "Margarita ville."

and the number one "dangerous thing you cannot do to a Bigfoot is . . ."

1. Appear as a guest on Comedy Central.

Next case: The Abominable Snowman.


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    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama


      This law rocks! I am made so happy to read such an intelligent law. My faith in humanity is now restored.

      Thank you for the share. Great news.

    • tamarawilhite profile image

      Tamara Wilhite 3 years ago from Fort Worth, Texas

      Skamania County, Washington passed a law regarding Bigfoot in 1969 declaring that "any willful, wanton slaying of such creatures shall be deemed a felony" subject to substantial fine and/or imprisonment.

    • profile image

      Kenneth Avery 3 years ago

      Dear sheilamyers . . . well you know me. It will not be like you think, but I am going to wait for a week or two and let these two hubs about Bigfoot gain or lose, hopefully gain views for I need the cash, before I tackle the new Bigfoot tale.

      Thanks for your support.

    • profile image

      sheilamyers 3 years ago

      Kenneth: I'll await hearing how Bigfoot would terrorize people.

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, sheilamyers,

      Me too, Sheila. Me too.

      Ahhh, what a hub idea that you gave me: "If I Were Bigfoot, I Would Terrorize People Like This," and name the ways.

      Wow! Thanks.

      Have a great night or day.

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, torrilynn,

      Thank you sincerely for your sweet comment. Just that my cherished followers love what I do makes me feel good.

      Have a safe weekend and visit again.

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, Cyndi10,

      Yes, I agree. And these are just 15 things that came to my mind. I am sure that there are more things NOT to do to Bigfoot.

      Thank you for your kind words.

      Visit with me anytime.

    • profile image

      sheilamyers 3 years ago

      I would never do any of those. I'd be afraid just seeing one at a distance.

    • torrilynn profile image

      torrilynn 3 years ago

      haha funny article. I enjoyed reading your tips. thank you.

    • Cyndi10 profile image

      Cynthia B Turner 3 years ago from Georgia

      Hi Kenneth, I'm sure you will agree, especially after I read your piece, there are just some things you don't want to do to Bigfoot. Tops on my list is running into one - on foot or otherwise.:-)

      Fun article.