Dangerous Things You Can't Do to Bigfoot
If I were Bigfoot, I'd be angry too with bad press like this
"No thanks. I gave at the office."
Before this is over
I'm going to bring Bigfoot back to notoriety. People will hold "him or her" in high-respect when they sit next to one at the movies. What a day for America--actually getting to know Bigfoot and how it lives.
That will lead to having Bigfoot over for dinner, summer cook-outs, babysitting when we go to the opera and many other "olive leaf" offerings to a beast that we have all at one point, grossly-misunderstood.
Let's not get carried-away
for after all, Bigfoot is a beast of nature. Wild, free, and not subject to our human-kind laws and policies, so let's just take a breath and slowly learn to talk to Bigfoot like we would our strange uncle "Lou," who only visits during drinking binges and needs the back room to "sleep it off."
Is this a hoaxster in an ape suit?
"This meditation is the bomb."
"Wife made me take up power-walking, baah."
"I saw you cut me off back there."
there are at least . . .
"Dangerous Things You Can't do to a Bigfoot"
and without any more chit-chat from yours truly, here they are:
15. Stick a pin in it's butt and watch it jump and growl.
14. Offer it a "prank" hamburger with an exploding piece of meat.
13. Make this noble beast wear a Batman costume.
12. Get the Bigfoot on a pair of water skis and see how fast you can pull it behind a boat.
11. Force the Bigfoot to drink a case of beer and then drive an ATV.
10. Irritate the Bigfoot until he or she loses its temper and tries to chase you, but you have a bucket of green house paint tied in a tree so when the Bigfoot runs underneath it, the bucket will spill the green paint all over the Bigfoot causing you and your gang to laugh until you cry.
9. Get the Bigfoot admitted to Harvard.
8. Tell your girlfriend that the Bigfoot is your "wing beast."
7. Take your friend, the Bigfoot to every bar in town and bet each bully fifty-bucks that they cannot take him in a fist-fight.
6. Use the Bigfoot to scare your enemies to death.
5. Promise the Bigfoot a fancy feast of grass, oats, and raw ham if it will only play middle linebacker on your high school football team.
4. Use the Bigfoot for a punching bag at your favorite gym.
3. Make the Bigfoot act like King Kong and climb the nearest television broadcasting antenna with a blow-up female doll in its hand.
2. Teach it to sing, "Margarita ville."
and the number one "dangerous thing you cannot do to a Bigfoot is . . ."
1. Appear as a guest on Comedy Central.
Next case: The Abominable Snowman.