15 Solid Reasons Why "I" Could Never be a Female Fashion Model
BE PREPARED TO BE SHOCKED
What I am sharing today would have gotten me tarred and feathered as early as 10 years ago, or maybe rode out of town on a rail. Back in 2004 our society was much-less understanding and intolerant of men who talked about things like I am going to do in this piece.
Aren’t you glad that our country has grown and progressed in understanding others who live by a different code than the accepted “normal” people? I am. Even now I am sitting here letting out a big sigh of relief for when this hub is published, I will not hear hard knocks on my door late at night from angry men wearing black three-piece suits, “spit-shined” black patent leather slippers and earphones, the ones that they use to communicate with each other. I almost forgot the most-important piece of their wardrobe: Aviator sunglasses. Why these guys would wear these sunglasses in the dead of night I will never understand.
WHAT A GREAT THING, FREEDOM OF SPEECH
Freedom of speech and thought is one, if not “the” greatest freedom we Americans have in 2014 and I pray that we will continue to enjoy these freedoms as long as free people can elect or not elect our nation’s leaders.
Now to get on with my sensitive text. Men, let me ask you two questions. One, do you know Brooklyn Decker? Two, are you in the habit of receiving the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition? Don’t panic. If you answered “yes,” to my second question, then you are “off the hook.” Brooklyn Decker has graced the cover of this male-based magazine many times to the delight of male sports fans.
DAN PATRICK, NAME-DROPPER
And former ESPN commentator, Dan Patrick, who has his own show bearing his name, claims that Decker is crazy about him. The reason? Patrick happens to be friends with actor, Adam Sandler, who cannot create a character, just film himself speaking lines written by his own writers and calling it a movie. Seemingly, Patrick sruck-up a conversation with Decker during the filming of “Just Go With It,” one of Sandler’s ad nauseum films and because Decker talked to Patrick, boom! She was instantly-smitten with him.
NOTE: Hey, Dan Patrick, if you disagree with my previous statements, you are welcome to write a rebuttal to me on this hub in the comment spaces below.
Enough about Dan Patrick, and enough about Brooklyn Decker. I do not really like them. In my opinion, Patrick is a pompas sportscaster who “thinks” the sports universe revolves around him and his mouth. Decker, I can tolerate due to her good looks, but not as a close friend for she is doing a job that “I” know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that “I” would not be given a second-look if I applied to be a fashion model like her.
A Moment with Superstar Model, Brooklyn Decker
- Brooklyn Danielle Decker (born April 12, 1987) is an American fashion model and actress best known for her appearances in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, including the cover of the 2010 issue. In addition to working for Victoria's Secret for the 2010 "Swim" collection, she has ventured into television with guest appearances on Chuck, Ugly Betty, The League, and Royal Pains. She made her feature film debut in Just Go with It, and later starred in Battleship and What to Expect When You're Expecting. Decker is married to tennis player Andy Roddick.
- Early life
Decker was born in Kettering, Ohio, the daughter of Tessa (née Moore), a nurse, and Stephen Decker, a pacemaker salesman. She has one brother, Jordan, who is three years younger. She and her family moved to Middletown, Ohio, then to Matthews, North Carolina, a suburb of Charlotte. She was discovered in a Charlotte shopping mall as a teenager. Decker began her modeling career as the face of Mauri Simone, a popular prom dress maker. She won the 2003 Model of the Year award at the Connections Model and Talent Convention. In a January 2011 interview with Self magazine, Decker stated that she suffered from an eating disorder and states, "My father did an intervention and got me to stop obsessing about everyone else and wrecking my body."
I'M THE "VICTIM" HERE
It’s out and out, unabated reverse discrimination against males who dream of walking the catwalk with the Decker’s and Banks’ of the fashion industry, but can only bed accepted into the “convenient” roles as male models who are seen in ads for underwear, cologne and khaki shorts worn by them and their upper-class friends.
I ask you liberal-minded men and women, “Why can’t we have male fashion models who can walk, giggle, and charm the heart of the rich and famous, just like the female models?” Huh? Answer me.
But let pretty miss Brooklyn Decker prance into any management office for famous male models and just flirt a bit, sit down and show some tanned leg and boom! She has become history’s first female-male model. Am I right? I think I have uncovered a massive conspiracy that has been going on right under our noses.
To make my case, I now give you, the liberal-minded readers of my hubs, my cherished-followers . . .
15 Solid Reasons Why “I” Could Never Be a Female Model
- I do not have “that” ultra-feminine walk that the majority of female models have while walking the catwalk.
- My lips are not pouty.
- You would say, “Ken, what a great Halloween mask,” if you saw my lips painted with lipstick.
- I am so flat-chested that I would be laughed at for wanting to model famous, name-brand bra’s.
- The hair on my legs is so tough, it would make a weed-eater to cut them.
- I do not have a flat stomach like Tyra Banks because I do eat real food when I am hungry. Not (a) bite of celery and a sip of water.
- I look like a raccoon on LSD if my eyes were to be painted with eyeliner and mascara for a big fashion show.
- I wear my head shaved like Jesse Ventura used to do, but no one loves a slick-headed female-male model, but let one of these gorgeous models shave their heads, and every man falls in love with them. Talk about double standards.
- I cannot speak French, Italian or Russian, so if by some miracle, I were to get a female modeling gig, I would embarrass myself if I had a “fashion shoot,” in any of these cities.
- Sometimes I am attacked by vertigo which makes me dizzy and that would make me tumble like a bale of hay from the catwalk while the jealous girl models laughed their butts off.
- Purging after I eat a plate or two of barbecue ribs and hotwings does not strike me as “worth” starvation, the price I would have to pay to model female fashions.
- I would have a no-win legal battle if I tried out for a television ad campaign for Sure-Free feminine napkins. (Can you see me running track and stopping to speak into the camera, “I am so glad that I chose Sure-Free today.”
- Even if I were to make it into the world of female fashion modeling, crowds (and hosts, Jimmy Fallon and David Letterman) would laugh until they cried to see me appear in a nightgown on The Tonight Show or Late Night with David Letterman. And to think. We have been deceived into believing that reverse discrimination was dead and buried.
- The female fashion show promoters would rather die than to build me a separate dressing room as I wouldn’t be accepted in the female models’ dressing room. My presence in there would surely cause jealousy among my female coworkers.
- There is no possible way for me to retain Gloria Allred, powerful feminist attorney, to take my reverse discrimination case for I cannot afford her services.
Reckon she might take my case pro bono? Don’t laugh. “I” might be a huge boost for her law practice when we appear together on “60 Minutes,” and TMZ.