15 Ways to Know It's Time to Go Home
Familiarity breeds contempt--a true saying
Let's do something completely different this time. Let's talk about you for just a moment. Not because I have to or am I being forced to, but because I want to and it is the right thing to do.
Although you are a hard worker, great friend, co-worker, and all around good American guy, you are not yet perfect. But do not tell that to your many friends. They all idolize you for your spotless character and always upbeat attitude. In short, you are well thought of by those around you.
You are so squeaky-clean and of character above reproach, people name their children after you, restaurants give their signature burgers your name and other guys can only dream of being a small portion like you in the way you carry yourself and deal with every problem with a quiet ease and dignity. And there are those who argue that if there were a real Superman, you would be him. Hands down.
Perfection but with one flaw
So what, if any, are your faults? At this point I hate to burst anyone's bubble, but you do have flaws like the rest of us, but your main flaw is that when you are with a crowd of friends at a social gathering, you do not know when it's time to go home.
This fact about you is so sad that I am about to shed tears of sadness. Such a great guy you are. Seldom cut school, made A's and B's, helped other students who were not as intelligent as you were and this pattern went with you to college and then into the workforce as you ventured into the world of insurance sales because you felt that selling insurance was not just a job, it was your calling in life.
And to think. Even if you are everyone's hero with scars of hand prints on your back from the numerous pats on the back for the good you have done, you still do not have sense enough about you to go home from a party at a decent time.
"Jim," friends have spared your feelings
But so far, your numerous friends have did a super job in sparing your feelings of not coming right out and telling you of your social short coming. They feel that hurting your feelings would be as cold- hearted as insulting Jesus to His face. That is a compliment and a curse in the same breath.
After many years of parties at various friends' homes, and you always showing up sometimes with a date and sometimes not, your long streak of having your feelings spared is about to come to an abrupt end. True. Hey, friend. We are all just flesh and blood made from the clay of the earth.
Your friends are not just going to blurt out, "Jim, would you please go home!" No. They are compassionate. They are going to give you a series of hints that they hope you will notice as to not make them the bad guys in this sticky situation.
So "Jim," here is the list of hints your friends gave me entitled . . .
15 Ways to Know That It's Time For You to Go Home
- When you are telling one of your "spell-binding" tales about selling insurance to strangers, your friends suddenly start talking to other people before you are finished with your story.
- Your friends are all into yawning even before 10 p.m. each time you walk near them at parties. They do this in hopes that the power of suggestion will kick in and you will get drowsy and head for home.
- Once, the host of a party where you showed up without being invited, politely told you to notice that your date, a pretty girl, had fallen fast asleep on the futon. This did not stop you from regaling your bored friends with the same old jokes you have told for over ten years.
- You sometimes find it strange when you ask people at the party where the next party will be held and they all act as if they have a hearing problem. One time you actually bellowed, "I need to know where the party is next weekend so I can be there with more insurance sales stories." I give you credit for having nerve, "Jim."
- A stranger fact is that one time over half of the guests at another party you attended begin to interrogate you as to why you were not married yet? They assumed that if you had a pretty wife to occupy you, you would not be bothering them.
- Talk about having a thick skin. "Jim," your skin rivals that of a T-Rex. "Janet," a party hostess around three years ago at the country club made up a party game entitled: "Party Invitation." It was a simple game. "Janet," with beaming Miss America smile, stood on a chair and asked how many guests were there by invitation. All but you raised their hands. You simply laughed and said, "Gosh, I guess I can be a good loser. When do we eat?"
- For some unexplained reason, you never wear anything different to these parties. You wear the same gray suit with matching vest and Florsheim slippers. Did you not get suspicious at a certain get-together and a golfing buddy, "Larry," discretely asked you, "Don't you want to run back home and get into something different? And "Jim," take your time in choosing your clothes."
- When you and the other party guests sit down to eat, all, not just one or two, of the party hostesses gently place the other guests' dinner plates near them, but sling your plate to you as if the plate is a Frisbee. Can you not discern when you are not welcome at a social event?
- You thought that time you received an unsigned postcard that read: "Jim," we, your few friends are meeting for a party this weekend and your presence IS NOT required," was just a clever joke your friends were playing on you.
- You showed up at this lavish party one Christmas and you were met at the door by "Mark," your next door neighbor who did not offer to move or invite you inside, but sternly asked (with teeth clinched), "Something we can do for you, "Jim?"
- At the following weekend New Years Eve party, "Mark," did the same thing at his house, but this time he said, (with teeth clinched), "We gave at the office."
- When hosts slam doors in your face, you never go back home. Your job of selling insurance has given you valuable experience such as literally sticking your foot in the door to keep it from shutting completely. Sure you suffer from a sore foot for days, but at least you got to sample free drinks and eats.
- "Jim," did it ever seem strange to you that when you attend a party, people never crowd around you to enjoy small talk? They all crowd around everyone but you. Do not tell me that you thought this an unusual social exercise.
- This one is a blue ribbon winner. The hostess of one party you crashed actually said to you at the door, "Jim, I do not want you to catch this awful disease all of us in here contracted last week, so would you be a dear and go back home so you can enjoy your good health?"
- When a crowd of over 200 people who were laughing, talking, relaxing and having a ball all say in unison, "Oh, it's you," then that is a sure sign that you were not welcome, "Jim."
- "Jim," you should have known something was wrong when five years ago a party host asked you to head down to the supermarket and bring back a case of soda and when you returned, all of the lights were off and no one was at the home you left in less than a half hour ago. What happened was you were duped, "Jim." All of the guests left to head over to the "real" party location.
But, "Jim," I will give you props for following through in bringing back the case of sodas.