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17 Reasons Why I Could Never be in The Hell's Angels

Updated on June 15, 2014

Sonny Barger, leader of the Hell's Angels

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Chuck Zito, a latter leader of the Hell's Angels outside Nello Restaurant

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These are a motorcycle club member's identity: His colors

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Hell's Angels: a glamorous beginning

It was fitting that the Hell’s Angels Motorcycle Club, don’t laugh, started in a cool place like Fontana, California. Say the word, Fontana. Doesn’t just saying the word just send waves of cool over your body? Fontana, almost synonomous with the legendary band, Ronnie and The Daytonas. How about Ronnie and The Fontanas? That works.

Something of an unknown conspiracy might be afoot here. I got it! 50’s female crooner, Martha Reeves and the Fantanas. Nope. But there again, the name, look at it. Fontana. “Ladies and gentleman, here are Martha and The Fontanas!” It works. Hold it! With some rather borderline-risky research methods, I found out that this Reeves gal had another group, the Vandellas. Not a case of you say Fontanas, I say Vandellas. But Martha Reeves definitely had two girl groups. Reeves’ slight-of-hand never got my this old rocker.

Hell’s Angels formed in 1948 in Fontana as a result of two forces at work: Fame and boredom. Fame from bomber squadrons named Hell’s Angels in World Wars I and II, and an iconic-film by Howard Hughes. Plus a band of military vets with time on their hands and not having a desire to be tethered by a nine to five job with narrow black tie and white shirt, sat down and formed what was to be arguably “the” most-famous, most-notorious motorcycle “club,” in our history. (Note: I did not use the derogatory moniker: “gang,” as in motorcycle gang).

Stars of Howard Hughes' film, Hell's Angels

(from left), James Hall, Jean Harlow and Ben Lyon.
(from left), James Hall, Jean Harlow and Ben Lyon. | Source

Hell's Angels news conference

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Howard Hughes' movie poster

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July 14, 2012 - Crime City Run in Frankfurt

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A deeper history

True, the Hell’s Angels and F.B.I. were never in-bed together. Both factions despised the other. So much so that the F.B.I. infiltrated, degraded, worked underground, above ground with countless reels of secret tape recordings and eight millimeter film trying to catch the Hell’s Angels selling drugs, arms, any illegal act including double-parking their “hogs,” (motorcycles, not old ladies), in a tow-away zone just so collars could be given-out to zealous up and coming agents who needed a good bust to make from field agent to special agent.

But agents, like fads, come and go. That also applies to Hell’s Angels. Some are still around while some are dead. But that name, Hell’s Angels, when spoken with the right shape of the mouth, instills a cold fear in those who know better than to cross the street while the Angels are waiting for the light to change. That’s respect.

As for the Hell’s Angels lifestyles, free and unbowed to “the man,” it was proven in some areas of the”club,” that the Hell’s Angels did sell a few drugs, sell a few arms and had their old ladies work in strip clubs in order to make a living. Make a living to pay the mortgage on what? I never unraveled that paradox.

The legend, the “Prince of Inprecision,” the late Dr Hunter S Thompson, father of Gonzo journalism once rode with the Hell’s Angels and enjoyed every beer, joint, and party. Thompson wrote a rather scathing essay about the Hell’s Angels that got him in the wrong limelight with this powerful “club,” and suddenly got out and bought the Owl Ranch in Colorado.

As much as I adore, maybe idolize Dr Thompson and his undeniable writing talent, and riding with the Angels for a while, I know in my heart that this is where Dr Thompson and myself part ways.

I know that there are

“17 Reasons Why I Could Never be in The Hell’s Angels”

Ken Kersey, left, with some Hell's Angels

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Revelers kissing during a New Year's Eve celebration in New Zealand

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Brief history of Hell's Angels
courtesy of TIME magazine

The Hells Angels Motorcycle Cub began in Fontana, Calif., in 1948, at a time when military surplus made motorcycles affordable and the placid post-war years left many veterans bored and itching for adventure.

A vet named Otto Friedli is credited with starting the club after breaking from one of the earliest post-war motorcycle clubs, the Pissed Off Bastards, in the wake of a bitter feud with a rival gang. "Hell's Angels" was a popular moniker for bomber squadrons in World Wars I and II, as well as the title of a 1930 Howard Hughes film about the Royal Flying Corps (the phrase lost its apostrophe over time).

For years, the HAMC, as members refer to the group, remained a California organization; the first chapter to open outside the state started in Auckland, New Zealand, in 1961. Eventually the club grew to most states and 30 or more countries, fueled by the alluring imagery of devil-may-care outlaws making their own rules.

Here are 17 things that the Hell’s Angels Motorcycle Club allegedly do frequently . . .and reasons why I, Kenneth Avery, American, could never be a member of their motorcycle club:

17. Smoking cigarettes – Our merciful God delivered me from that deadly-habit up almost ten years ago. One of the few wisest things I ever done.

16. Drinking booze – See reason above.

15. Shooting firearms – I hate loud noises. Plus bullets from firearms can kill people and other living things.

14. Never showering – once in my life, I enjoyed the rebellious-feeling of not showering, a personal teenage protest against “The Establishment,” but as a mature adult of 60 years old, showers are an exciting part of my day.

13. Starting fights – I really hate violence and knowing at any time, I am not a great street fighter.

12. Disrespecting females – this practice I could not do to save my life. I love and appreciate females way too much.

11. Wearing long hair – I do not have any hair to grow long. And no one in the civilized communities of America really respect a bald Hell’s Angel.

10. Taking long bike trips – I hate long trips. My fibromyalgia would cause me to be the “weak link” in this famous motorcycle “club.”

9. Running from the F.B.I. – now days, these “straight-shooters,” are as mean and intimidating as the Hell’s Angels themselves.

8. Limelight – I cannot stand to see myself on television and with so many documentaries being filmed about Hell’s Angels, I would be a nervous wreck.

7. Fixing a motorcycle – I have never been mechanically-inclined, so I would only slow the Hell’s Angels down.

6. Never brushing – do you really think that any self-respecting, rowdy Hell’s Angel ever takes time to brush and floss before taking off for work each day. I have a need to keep my teeth clean.

5. Using a tough name – and for me, there just isn’t any tough names left for new members of the Hell’s Angels. The really tough names have already been taken.

4. Carjacking – I would be much too afraid that the elderly couple I am harassing to get out of their car for me to take it would whip-out a .44 Magnum and I would be history.

3. Seeing the same people – day after day. This, if any member of the Hell’s Angels were asked to be honest, can be monotonous. I like to see and talk with different people.

2. Eating habits – for this famous motorcycle “establishment,” is highly-unstable and irregular. I have to eat my breakfast and dinner at an appointed time.

1. I cannot ride a motorcycle – no explanation needed.

So with this piece being published, I have done the famous Hell’s Angels a huge favor in not having to beat on my door begging me to join their motorcycle “club.”

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    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Perspycacious,

      Do not worry. I have been left "holding the bag' a lot of times. And if you think of it in these terms: The Angels leaving you or I on the side of the road might be a blessing in disguise, but if we were in the Navy SEALs, they never leave a member behind.

      So that gives me hope.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, Grand Old Lady (who is NOT old),

      Thanks so much for sharing about the stories about Hell's Angels. I am sure that people who have been near them, or in them, have very interesting stories.

      I think they make great hub material.

      Thanks for stopping by.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      EfficiencyAdmin,

      Thanks sincerely for your sweet words. I could not survive without my great followers and yes, that includes you .

      I try my best to make each hub worth reading. I do have a dud now and then, but it is all for My Followers.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, Tiffanyapril,

      I cannot say anything but thank you, Tiffany. I loved your comment. I know that I have been blessed with The BEST Followers on HP.

      Your comment proves it.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Kathy H.,

      Thank you, dear friend, for your nice comment. And do not fret about not making it in the Angels. I am glad I couldn't, but when I was younger and dumber, I might have given it a go.

      Then again I might not be here today.

      Thanks for your visit and come back anytime.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      NateB11,

      Me too. And anyone who mentions Hunter S. Thompson's works is an instant friend of mine.

      Thompson spent a year with the Angels and on a talk show during his life, when he was out of their gang, one of the main Angels rode onto the set and confronted him about an I.O.U. Thompson had made and it was for 20 cases of beer for something the gang did for him.

      Thompson, for moment, was shaking.

      I would have been shaking also. But man, could this guy write.

    • NateB11 profile image

      Nathan Bernardo 

      3 years ago from California, United States of America

      This subject fascinates me, but anything fringe kind of fascinates me. Hunter S. Thompson's book about these guys is one of my favorites; I think I read it cover to cover, captivated, in one sitting.

      I am with you and all of your reasons why you can't be in the club.

    • KathyH profile image

      KathyH 

      4 years ago from Waukesha, Wisconsin

      A fun read for sure! For these same reasons, I could never be a biker babe! Lol!! The thought of dancing on a table gives me the willies! Stripping? YIKES!! Not at this age, not at any age come to think of it! Funny piece! :)

      *Although, on a side note ~ We DO see some very old cocktail waitresses here in Las Vegas trying to "rock" those skimpy little waitress outfits! That's usually in the very old downtown (Fremont street area) casinos. I told my husband "it's time to change jobs!" He just laughs at me!

    • Tiffanyapril profile image

      Tiffany April 

      4 years ago from Michigan

      Hello, I hope all is well. I love the history in this article. I think all history needs to be documented. I think you did a great job! Kudos! God Bless.

    • Efficient Admin profile image

      Efficient Admin 

      4 years ago from Charlotte, NC

      Kenneth, this is one of your best pieces yet! You have listed some very insightful reasons to stay away from this group. I enjoyed reading this hub very much and that is hilarious that showers are an exciting part of your day! That makes two of us. When I was growing up in the 70s Hell's Angels had a real bad reputation - they would go to Carolina Beach and people would stay away that weekend. Yep - can't picture a big burley hairy greasy guy flossing and brushing his teeth every day. Voted up and across.

    • Perspycacious profile image

      Demas W Jasper 

      4 years ago from Today's America and The World Beyond

      If nothing else had ruled me out, and most did, #7 would have left me sitting beside a road somewhere with my compadres riding off into the sunset.

    • grand old lady profile image

      Mona Sabalones Gonzalez 

      4 years ago from Philippines

      I used to think my sister, who lives in California, told the funniest stories about the Hells Angels, but you are so much funnier. I'm sending her your hub by email:).

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