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17 Thoughts I Have Had While "Doing My Business" in a Filthy Men's Bathroom

Updated on July 16, 2015
Honestly. Would you "sit by idly" and let a bathroom as filthy as this one go without cleaning.
Honestly. Would you "sit by idly" and let a bathroom as filthy as this one go without cleaning. | Source

Have you ever been faced with having to use a filthy public restroom?

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Exposing filthy restrooms

Let's talk about public restrooms. Not the most-pleasant subject, but public restrooms are a fact of life. Sometimes a filthy fact of life. Filthy public restrooms are much like Godzilla before the Japanese people (in one of the films) touched his heart and he became a good monster.

Not so with filthy public restrooms. We could surround each filthy public restroom with lighted candle in hand and sing a series of American standard folk songs mixed with some pre-20th century Appalachian hill country spiritual songs hand-written by people who by some mysterious power, just picked up a No. 2 pencil and banged-out these spirituals, and all of this love shown by us toward these filthy restrooms wouldn't change one thing.

It's a sad day when the late Catholic priest, Robert Schuller, known for his anecdotes on his television program cannot get through to filthy restrooms to get their owners to clean them up for the benefit of people such as yours truly. Did I say sad day? It's a lower-than-deporable day. Utterly horrific to be honest.

Second century A.D. public restrooms.
Second century A.D. public restrooms. | Source

What should you do about a filthy public restroom?

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My first encounter with a filthy men's bathroom.

I remember when my wife, baby daughter and I went on our very first family vacation. Man, was I the stupid one. When my wife and I married, I was living in a fairytale while looking at life through rose colored glasses. Things were great. We three loved each other like love was going on the "Endangered Species List."

No one with any traveling vacation experience bothered to tell me about interstate rest stops and the restrooms at these places. Nor did these experienced travelers tell me about having to use the restroom at a truck stop or fast food restaurant. Here is the thinking that came from my stupidity: "Oh, everything will be okay. Not every rest area has filthy restrooms. Nor does the finer truck stops have dingy restrooms, for if these places do have filthy restrooms, they could be shut down, and no one wants that."

Yeah. Go ahead. I heard a few of you let out a huge horse laugh. It's fine. I am now a mature-minded man who has been educated by "Life University: Specializing in Traumatic, Eye-Opening Experiences," so no apology is needed.

This breeding ground for germs and deadly bacteria is in Singapore.
This breeding ground for germs and deadly bacteria is in Singapore.

The Miracle Strip nightmare.

We left Alabama and hit I-65 south headed to Miracle Strip, Florida to spend a week with the nice Floridians to see how the "tanned, bleach-blond, eyes squinting, Frisbee-throwing beach bum people" live. Talk about a major mistake. This was it. To this day I have yet to live this one down. This huge mistake I am referring to is all of the water at this campground tasted and smelled like sulphur. That's right. Sulphur. Or a rotting egg for those who do not know how sulphur smells.

The highlight of our camping at Miracle Strip was Sonny Chavis, from Brewton, Ala. He was a "ball of fire," always sober although drinking was okay in this place. His demeanor and attitude kept our spirits up and minds off of the sulphur water. How did we do without water? We drank soda's that entire week and when we showered, we held our breath.

What really opened my mind (and eyes) was not as much dealing with the sulphur water, but the filthy bathroom for us guys. I do not know how the women's bathroom was for I did not invade their turf to find out. Our bathroom had green, chemical-like stuff growing on the walls, and rusty-looking liquid dripping on the floor from the commode tanks. The aroma hit you when you went into this facility like a run-away diesel rig. The aroma was awful. It put me in the mind of human waste mixed with rotting chicken mixed with raw sewage. I suppose many men opted to just hide in the thick clumps of trees surrounding the campground to "do their business" for who wants to vomit while "answering Mother Nature's call?"

Starbucks in New York City.
Starbucks in New York City.
Softiel, Queenstown, in New Zealand has this men's restroom. It is not that filthy, but the images of girls makes guys edgy.
Softiel, Queenstown, in New Zealand has this men's restroom. It is not that filthy, but the images of girls makes guys edgy.
Just pure filth.
Just pure filth.
Did people use this restroom as a cafeteria?
Did people use this restroom as a cafeteria?
Photo of early public restroom.
Photo of early public restroom.
Not a set on a horror movie, but a filthy restroom.
Not a set on a horror movie, but a filthy restroom.
People with fear of close places will hate this restroom.
People with fear of close places will hate this restroom.
A restroom with its own gang graffiti.
A restroom with its own gang graffiti.
Not fit for humans or beasts.
Not fit for humans or beasts.

I know this hub is raw. I apologize. But would you like to know my secret of how I coped with the filth and smell of this restroom in Miracle Strip? Oh, not just this one, but more filthy restrooms I encountered in the years to come during our family vacations?

Believe it or not, here is my secret formula: I would focus on thoughts in this list and sometimes make myself laugh. At least I didn't cry about the filthy restroom.

17 Thoughts I Have Had While "Doing My Business" in a Filthy Men's Bathroom

  • "What's that tickling my butt? Oh, no! What if a snake is in the commode? Oh, what a relief. It was only a snapping turtle."
  • "Is that blood on th floor? Sure it is. There is the knife with blood on the blade. Hmmm. Foul play, I assume." (Thinking my best Charlie Chan impression).
  • "What's that sound? I thought I was in here alone at this ungodly hour. What if it's a blood-thirsty gang? Nawww. No self-respecting blood-thirsty gang would come into a horse stable like this men's restroom."
  • "Oh my gosh! A man passed out in the stall next to me. Oh God, make him stop that snoring. It is messing with my concentration and I really need this bowel movement."
  • "Wonder if it mattered if I just let my bowels moved right there in the floor? Looks like someone else beat me to it.
  • "Do evil spirits inhabit filthy men's restrooms?"
  • "That mess of human waste thrown into the mirror over there looks just like Stephen King."
  • "I bet my wife and daughter think that some filth demon devoured me for I have been sitting here for an hour."
  • "I wonder why the fast-food restaurant where I found this filthy men's restroom had closed at 9 p.m.? What if it's out of business and I am the only one around here?"
  • "Maybe it would help me to practice yelling for help. Okay. Here goes. Heeeelllllp! The stench is killing me."
  • "If I just have funny thoughts, maybe my mind won't focus on how dingy and dirty this restroom really is. Okay. You know a restroom is filthy when you see dead flies laying all over the floor."
  • "I would strike a match, but the aroma of my waste cannot be detected over the aroma of this filth hole."
  • "Oh for goodness sake. This commode is stopped up. I best jump or be on top of an eruption of filth never before seen by mortal man."
  • "I knew that I should not have walked into this restroom. My shoes are now being eaten-up by bacteria and germs and I can even hear them having a party."
  • "I think I'll vomit. That would help the looks of this place."
  • "Who dragged that dead cow in here?"
  • "The flies in here are so big that one just issued a death threat to me--in human language."

Epilogue: many is the time that I wish I had just controlled my urges to stop and use a man's restroom for bowel and bladder damage can be surgically-repaired. Not as much with psychological and emotional damage.

I truly believe that The Exorcist was inspired by this commode.
I truly believe that The Exorcist was inspired by this commode.

Comments

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    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Jodah,

      You are welcome my talented friend. Nowadays I just strain the air looking for humor.

      The birdhouse business is going good. I have to work on some tomorrow and I will build you one with whatever theme or color you want for just $25.00 with FREE shipping.

      Would appreciate it if you would buy one.

      Thanks, Kenneth

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 

      3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Thanks Kenneth, but you can write naturally funny stuff, I have to find jokes that others have invented to be funny. Cheers. P.s. How are the bird houses going?

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Jodah,

      Thanks for your sincere comments. I appreciate you very much.

      But in my own opinion . . .this hub pales in comparison to your hub about Jokes, Riddles and Other Stuff. Honest.

      You keep up the great work.

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 

      3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      I've seen some bad restrooms in my time Kenneth, some of those in your photos look similar and they are nasty. Love the urinal in New Zealand, but yeah the photos of women on the wall watching would make things difficult. Funny hub, voted up.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      MizBejabbers,

      I love those little critters. And yes, they are very safety-oriented, so you might get to be good friends with all of this little guy, or girl's family.

      The underground house is very interesting. I think that in the near future, we all shall be entertaining this idea--safe from gangs, nuclear waste in the air and other things.

      Wise move, I must say.

      Tell your husband if he is on the john taking care of his business and should hear a rattling noise in the commode, to NOT move. It might be a rattlesnake wanting to visit for awhile. This I pray not.

      Have a cool day and visit with me anytime.

    • MizBejabbers profile image

      Doris James-MizBejabbers 

      3 years ago from Beautiful South

      It does remind me of the time I told my husband to clean his bathroom before something came out of the toilet and bit him you-know-where. Later he called me in laughing and reminded me of what I said and showed me a salamander in the john. We took it out to the woods and hoped it would find its way back to the creek below our house. A month later it or another just like it appeared in the toilet. Since we are on a septic tank, we can only guess how they are getting there, either through the septic tank or falling through the exhaust fan on our roof. (We live in an underground house, so all kinds of animals walk over us.)

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, Babbyii,

      Thank you so much for your lovely comment--and that part about how your dad designed a pristeen outhouse complete with a heater and light for reading. Wow. I am not kidding, but something like that belongs in the Smithsonian.

      I did a piece on outhouses, or is it outhomes, not long ago and I tell you, outhouses are a fading art in America.

      Please feel free to come back anytime.

      You are appreciated.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hello, MizBejabbers,

      I always enjoy your sweet and informative comments and this one is no exception. The verbal photo you painted about "perching" over a bowl killed me. I just love how you describe things.

      And you are right. I have, pardon my English, "held it," in a few campgrounds because the men's facilities and their aroma smelled just like a slaughterhouse in the hot summer.

      Thank you for your comment and visit with me anytime.

      Love you my talented friend.

    • Babbyii profile image

      Barb Johnson 

      3 years ago from Alaska's Kenai Peninsula

      Just plain nasty. Been in my share of filthy bathrooms attempting to hold my nose and purse just like MizBejabbers describes. We're not kidding either Ken. Your photos gave me the shivers. I too have been in outhouses cleaner than the photos. In fact, we had one about 25 years ago that my husband kept pristine with a heater(for the below 0 temps), a lamp that he rigged from the house and reading material too.

    • MizBejabbers profile image

      Doris James-MizBejabbers 

      3 years ago from Beautiful South

      Gag! Those are some pretty filthy ones in your photos. Yes, I've been to a few that stunk worse than Grandpa's outhouse. At least you men can stand up most of the time and hold your nose with your free hand. Do you know what it's like to perch over a dirty bowl and hold your purse off the floor? Picture that if you can without laughing so hard you wet yourself.

      Oh, yes, you city slickers tickle me. You might not want to stop at a rest stop or camp ground in my state because most have composting toilets.

      At least Grandma kept the outhouse clean. I'd rather share one with a rattlesnake than visit those in your photos. Ken, I'm still laughing, you funny man.

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