ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

20 Things You Can't Do When You Are Intoxicated

Updated on June 15, 2014

No, booze doesn't give you wings to fly upstairs


Right, sweetie, one for the road won't make you look that much dumber


How humanity reacts to drunk people

Human beings try so hard, actually labor, to deceive themselves, and others, that they are not tempted to laugh at people who have “raised too many elbows,” at Uncle Dave’s Retirement Party, and now, they cannot walk, crawl, or think a straight thought.

Two tough things would happen if these self-righteous onlookers were to laugh at drunk people: One, sensitive onlookers would think harsh thoughts about them. And two, the laughing-but-honest onlookers might feel a tug of guilt the next time they do some soul-searching.

And according to my own stats, not one person, righteous, self, or religion-influenced, have ever died of other people’s harsh thought thinking. The same can be said about the onlookers who giggle a tad at the grown man of 55, trying to say the word, “succotash,” but thanks to his thick tongue, it always comes out, “Suck my sash.”

Sad, really. Funny too, at the same moment. What type of person you are, to some, are what you do in the moment the urge to laugh at the poor, stumble bum trying to crawl up the stairs that do not exist and urinate in the men’s rest room that too, doesn’t exist.

Actual footage of people excessively-boozing

She's so pretty to let booze make a wreck out of her


Men, helpless from booze, try laughing to avoid the truth


Being made a fool of by booze


"Kenny Avery's Sharing Excessive-Boozing Escapades"

It’s just a matter of your point of view. Shameful we Americans who used to live on compassion and charity, have digressed to such a barbaric level of holding-in a clean, pure laugh at the alcohol-induced antics put on by drunk people who really live their lives as “stuffed shirts” through the week.

Not that I am bragging, because being the “King of Lamp Shade Wearers,” is nothing to brag about, but I know a lot about boozing and excessive-boozing, and getting to hear from some honest onlookers who got a kick from me showing my butt in places where butt-showing is not permissible.

After awhile, even though sharing “Kenny’s Excessive-Boozing Escapades,” were pure laughfests, they got old. And in time, I grew to hate them. I also grew to almost-hate these honest onlookers that to me, were only put on earth to watch people like me, drink like a school of fish, not just “a fish,” and make a fool of myself.

These people were everywhere I wanted to drink with my friends, other excessive-boozers. Maybe not all of the group of gawking, ever-observant onlookers who knew how to expertly-point, slap their knees, and laugh when I or one of my friends would open a beer whom some practical onlooker had “shook the devil out of,” before we popped the top and boom! Foam all up in my face and soaking my favorite drinking shirt, a true Hawaiian shirt, black with yellow and white flowers. I tell you that people knew I was coming to drink from a mile away.

I’m through with that life. And the dark and light memories that went with it. God deserves the thanks, by the way. I’m also through with this section of my story entitled: “20 Things You Cannot Do if You Are Intoxicated.”

Honestly, as I complied this list, I could only do two, maybe three on the list tops. But I am not telling which three.

And on a seriously-sober note: If you are going down the same squishy road that leads to humiliation, degradation, and self-loathing, I highly-suggest that you stop or cut-back big time on the excessive-boozing. I am not being preachy, just honest.

Overly-excessive boozers pass-out on sidewalk


Alcohol turns these pretty girls with high IQ's into giddy boozers


Confusion is one of alcohol's best tool to disarm a person


What a foolish mistake, pretty young woman


Some of Alcohol's Staggering Statistics

Caron Alcohol Treatment Center, an alcohol-treatment center located in the United States, survey results, many Americans aren’t aware of this information or aren’t taking it seriously. Nearly 80% of U.S. adults have attended a workplace holiday party and 93% have attended a family party, according to the survey. The survey asked adults aged 21+ what they considered to be the acceptable number of drinks during these occasions:

•44% said consuming three or more drinks during family holiday parties was fine as long as the imbiber could “hold their liquor” and refrained from driving
•32% felt three or more drinks was acceptable at workplace holiday parties as long as the person could “hold their liquor” and refrained from driving

Many of these adults also noted via the survey that these parties can quickly become booze fests where there’s no shortage of destructive behavior:

  • •60% of those who attended workplace holiday parties have seen someone under the influence of alcohol behave inappropriately. Survey respondents reported that an intoxicated male colleague “slapped a female co-worker on her bottom” and another “threw up on the boss.”
    •60% of those who attend family holiday parties also reported that a family member behaved inappropriately after drinking too much alcohol. One respondent shared that alcohol prompted “a knock out drag out fist fight” and another spoke of “emotionally abusive behavior” during a family holiday party. Others said relatives wanted to drive even though they were drunk.

Of those who said they have a co-worker/supervisor who puts themselves in embarrassing situations due to excessive drinking at workplace holiday parties:

  • •50% saw a co-worker/supervisor share inappropriate personal details about themselves or other colleagues
    •45% saw a co-worker/supervisor flirting with another colleague
    •43% saw a co-worker/supervisor drive even though he or she was drunk
    •35% saw a co-worker/supervisor using excessive profanity
    •30% saw a co-worker/supervisor argue, be abusive or engage in sexual activity


Ready, Set, Read

I will start by order of difficulty, danger, and more apt to make onlookers make fun of you.

20. Bake a cake.

19. Babysit children.

18. Read American Literature classics to retired people in the park.

17. Hand out medications to elderly people living in an assisted living center.

16. Win a pickle eating contest.

15. Talk to a gorgeous farmer’s daughter in Iowa.

14. Be a convincing member of Hell’s Angels.

13. Walk a thin wire cable strung across Niagara Falls.

12. Perform classic ballet at Carnegie Hall.

11. Deliver a stirring lecture on a hidden discovery found in the Catholic Church.

10. Help a farmer in Kansas harvest his yearly wheat crop.

9. Hitch-hike from where you live to Nevada.

8. Ride any roller coaster in any amusement park in the United States.

7. Teach a class on “How to Protect Yourself Against Vicious Attack Dogs.”

6. Be the starter, the person who drops the flag, in a grudge-match drag race.

5. Be the guest star on TruTV’s Lizard Lick Towing.

4. Be a responsible parent.

3. Be a supportive husband or wife.

2. Hold down any job given to you.

1. Drive any motor vehicle, any piece of heavy machinery made by mortal man.

(Note: if you can achieve items 1 through 4, without excessive-boozing or drinking entirely, you will be doing four great things that no onlooker, righteous or otherwise, will laugh at.)

Was all of your excessive-boozing really worth the effort?

See results

Lap it up, ma'am, you are already hooked

3.5 out of 5 stars from 2 ratings of No alcohol abuse


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama


      Cool. I just do not want to offend anyone if I can help it. In my younger life, I loved booze, or thought I did. If I had continued down the dark pathway I was on, I would not be here writing you this note.

      I give My God the thanks for stepping in and ridding me of that poison that was killing me.

    • d.william profile image


      4 years ago from Somewhere in the south

      There is nothing to feel sorry for. Although some of my past was out of the ordinary, i would not have changed any of it.

      It was all a great learning experience and i enjoyed the majority of it. The few regrets have made me a better person for having experienced them.

      It is nice to remember the past with some amusement at times, and reflect on how the past brought us to where we are today.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, sheilamyers,

      Hate you? No way. I think what you said in your comments was purely hilarious.

      I have done this, messed with people, even while "I" was drinking. So it is harmless unless you know the person being messed with to have a violent temper.

      Thanks, dear friend for commenting.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama


      I do not know whether to thank you or feel sad for you. You said this brought back memories of your days with the "spirits," and honestly, it did mine too, but it was great therapy to loose myself of these memories.

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      @ mgt28: No, this "one" did not happen to me. LOL

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hey, mgt28,

      Thanks for your input and if you will, follow me here as I explain No. 15.

      You are driving all over the road down a narrow asphalt road near Des Moines, Iowa, when suddenly you see in the distance, a gorgeous brunette standing in a field of young corn.

      She is weeding the corn to make it grow taller, and you just have to stop and talk to this angel because to your intoxicated mind, it is the thing to do.

      When you finally stumble up to the fence surrounding the corn, she smiles at you and walks over to where you are leaning on the fence when again, suddenly, her dad jumps up from somewhere in the corn and with his 12-gauge, double-barrel shotgun pointed at you, you faint with fear.

      When you wake up, you are in the local jail.

      And the memory of the beautiful farmer's daughter and her dad are merely blurred memories.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hello, Kim,

      I agree. First thank you for your sweet comment. What do I agree with you about? The part of your comment about a sober person baking a beautiful cake.

      I have to agree, although he or she might get lucky and make it tasty, but looks, naaaah.

    • profile image


      4 years ago

      Now is when you'll begin to hate me. Why? I feel it's my job to mess with drunks if they decide to be around me. I do it because it's fun and most of them won't even remembered what happened ... at least not until someone else that was at the party tells them. I'm actually happy when they find out what I did (or actually remember it) because then those obnoxious drunks learn to stay away from me so I can enjoy myself by dealing only with the sober people.

    • mgt28 profile image


      4 years ago

      Hi Ken, I got you! Where did you get number 15? That cannot be creative writing. That one must have happened.

      Good advice.

    • d.william profile image


      4 years ago from Somewhere in the south

      Funny piece, and yet not so funny since i could relate to a few of those obnoxious things listed, somewhere in my distant past history of debauchery.

      I enjoyed reading it. It made me laugh and brought back some memories of the things i miss out of life, and some that i hope others don't remember about me. L.O.L.

    • ocfireflies profile image


      4 years ago from North Carolina

      Very interesting piece interwoven with wit-smiles

      think I would move baking a cake a little higher (sorry, sometimes I can't help myself) on the list--have seen it before and it is a sorry state and typically involves a sober person having to clean up the huge mess.

      Hope you have a great Happy Day.




    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)