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20 Things You Will Never Hear From a Divorce Lawyer's Mouth

Updated on September 8, 2014

that for some time now, lawyers have taken some funny verbal jabs from stand-up comics as well as the average citizen? Did you ever wonder why? I have. And I can only assume that, like everything else in life, it only takes a few to ruin a good thing for the sum of of the group.

Lawyers are no different. There are lots of decent, civil-minded and sensible lawyers. There are also the greed-driven, sue-for-anything-for-anyone, lawyers some dub as “ambulance chasers,” and the shady barristers of the law who bring to themselves bad press and seldom-welcome at the local country club.

Elin Nordegren, Tiger Woods' ex-wife, profited well by using a divorce lawyer


had nothing to do with the disillusioned shady lawyers who think success in law is measured by dollar signs in their bank accounts. But I can’t. Money can slowly and with such stealthy-devices, cause a once-good lawyer with ideals and common sense to become a person literally addicted to the big pay-out from yet another landmark lawsuit that they won by questionable practices.

But not to be melancholy, it is what it is. Sadly, all lawyers, divorce lawyers included, cannot be Perry Mason’s. And in my continuing writings about things not heard from certain people’s mouths and such, I am once again proud to present for your enlightenment and enjoyment . . .

The late, Johnny Carson, used divorce lawyers five times

Why people divorce

Most folks don't realize what it's like out there in the deer woods. They don't know the pleasure we hunters derive from primitive camps in the boonies. From tree stands on icy mornings. From shivering uncontrollably with cold and adrenaline, yet feeling a flush of warmth inside while watching deer do their thing - in the wild - unaware of our presence.

Deer hunting, for some, is simply a mechanical exercise that hopefully results in venison in their freezer. That, of course, is part of what all deer hunters are out there for - but most of us find something more out there in the woods where we do our hunting.

Putting that into words is the challenging part. Is it about pitting ourselves against a quarry that is well-known for its elusiveness and incredibly acute senses? Is it about the camaraderie we feel when camping and hunting with good friends and well-loved family members? Is it about the elation of making a kill? Is it about watching a doe with her young offspring, knowing that we will not shoot but experiencing a rush just the same? Is it about all the other wildlife we see while hunting?

The answer is yes.

It is also about freezing on a stump or in a tree stand. Realizing that you left your ammo or release in the truck. Eating freeze-dried-whatever around a too-smoky campfire made with wet wood. Broken lanterns. Stuck vehicles. Flat tires. Forgetting your compass and walking a few miles in the wrong direction.

Dropping your rifle; breaking your scope. Missing a big buck. Finding another hunter already in "your" spot. Having a deer in your sights when your rifle fails to fire (dammit). Sweating under clothing that was not quite enough on stand, but is too much for a hike - or for dragging a deer.

Getting stranded up a tree when you drop the bottom half of your climbing stand. 'Coons in the groceries. Fearless bears that keep you looking over your shoulder. Slipping while crossing a creek on a log.


Sounds like a lot of negatives, doesn't it? I guess it would, to the unseasoned or uninitiated. But the positives of deer hunting outweigh the negatives, without a doubt.

Deer hunting is not for everyone - not by a long shot. But for those who try it and like it, it is the best medicine around. Time spent hunting deer is good for learning, introspection, meeting new people, returning to our ancient hunting roots... and yes, for stocking the freezer with venison for the coming year.

Deer hunting gives us new stories to tell, new memories to savor, new peace within ourselves. And I never feel closer to God than I do when I'm out in the woods hunting.

If that's not good for the soul, I don't know what is.

- Russ Chastain

“20 Things That You Will Never Hear From a Divorce Lawyer’s Mouth”

  • “Uhhh, Mr. Baker, aren’t we being a bit greedy asking for such an elaborate amount of money from your spouse?”
  • “I will not go that vulgar length, Mr. Smith, and bring-up your wife’s torrid past so you can win this case!”
  • “Now, Mr. Jones, let’s take out time and talk this out. Do you really want a divorce?”
  • “Bonus? I refuse to talk to you, Mr. Alexander. I can win, but I will not accept a monetary bonus for doing so!”
  • “Well, Mr. Bigwell, did you really cheat on your wife with six different women?”
  • “Mr. Dickson, I am a lawyer with a lot of integrity and moral direction.”
  • “Mrs. Pennyworth, I cannot with good conscience, wreck your husband’s life even if he is an adulterer.”
  • “Mrs. Nolan, put away that blank check. I will have to think about taking your case.”
  • “Mrs. Peters, just because I specialize in divorce settlements, doesn’t mean I am all about the money.”
  • “Mrs. Cochran, uhh, would you consider going 50/50 with your wealthy husband?”
  • “Mr. Taylor, I do not use that awful term: take them to the cleaners.”
  • “Mr. Stewart, even though your wife hit you with a pitcher, cleaned-out your bank account, she is human after all.”
  • “Mrs. Crane, be sensible. Just tell the judge that this fight was all your fault, and we can settle this matter.”
  • “Mrs. Lawson, your husband having two mistresses only means he needs attention. I want you two to talk this out.”
  • “Mr. Douglas, I am aware that your wife slept with the handy man and plumber, but it was all an accident.”
  • “Mrs. King, maybe your husband had a lapse of sanity and ended up at that Motel 6 with that prostitute.”
  • “I am not going to exaggerate how bad your husband’s character is. I fear God too much.”
  • “I called you two in together so you can hug and forgive each other of this ugly misunderstanding.”
  • “I am not going to win your case, Mr. Jenkins, just so I will be named the managing partner of this firm.”
  • “Take it from me. My entire life and law practice is based solely upon fair play.”

Future Hub: “How to Know if Your Doctor is Unqualified to Take Your Case”

Remember, folks

filing for a divorce is serious business. Make no mistake about this. A divorce, when granted, instantly changes the lives of two people, their families, friends, and children if they have any, forever.

You cannot come back from some divorces. Divorces, if the couple has literally let their relationship reach such a point of deterioration, that they hate each other, the scars from the nasty verbal remarks will last almost forever. I ask you. Is it worth all of this to you?

Now I can understand and fully-condone divorces if one of the couple has become a violent person and has resorted to physical abuse to keep control of the marriage or even if one of the couple has broken the marriage vows and caused what was once a good and decent marriage to now become a hazy photo of distrust and the ultimate hatred of each other.

Consider, if you are thinking about filing for a divorce, the other alternatives such as marriage counseling, couples' retreats, and just plain civilized talk among you and the party you are wanting to divorce.

Plus think about your children and how this split will affect them. Do not kid yourself, it will and possibly for the rest of their lives.

And if nothing else will do but a divorce, DO NOT part with hatred or resentment still in your hearts. Part as friends.


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    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, Jodah,

      Thank you, good friend, for the comment and vote.

      I sincerely appreciate you stopping by and taking time to read this offering.

      Peace to you and yours.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hey, vkwok,

      Thank you sincerely for your kind words and votes.

      I wish you the very best tomorrow. I hope your day is filled with laughter, peace, and success.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, sheilamyers

      I couldn't agree more. I know of couples who have used their kids against the other and talk about miserable. The kids were the photo of misery. All of the time.

      Thank you kindly, Sheila, for the nice comment. And come back to see me anytime.

      Have a fun Friday.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, Paula,

      Amen. You are a wise girl. I pray that you never have to listen to a divorce lawyer too.

      Thank you for the nice comment and come back anytime.

    • Paula Atwell profile image

      Paula Atwell 

      4 years ago from Cleveland, OH

      Well, I am hoping that I never have to listen to what a divorce lawyer says. I have told my husband that he is stuck with me, so he better get used to it.

    • profile image


      4 years ago

      Kenneth: Most of the time we do only get one side of the story and, at least to me, it never makes a lot of sense when you connect the words and the actions. And you're so right about the kids always being affected - at least to some small degree. Anyone who gets a divorce and has kids shouldn't use the kids as pawns or try to get them to hate the other parent.

    • vkwok profile image

      Victor W. Kwok 

      4 years ago from Hawaii

      Funny hub, Kenneth! Voted up!

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 

      4 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Very very funny Kenneth. Voted up and shared.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, Dear Bobbi,

      Oh, how nice it is to see you here. I have wondered where you have been.

      It is sometimes busy in my existence and some days it is quiet.

      I am glad that you liked this hub. That makes me happy.

      I know the feeling of eyes closing. My eyes are doing that now.

      I will look for you on HP.

      God bless you so much for stopping by.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, carrie,

      Thank you so much for your uplifting comment. I appreciate YOU and your sweet spirit.

      I promise to do my best in providing hubs that will make you and all of my followers happy and have a good laugh.

      And you have a safe and happy night.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama


      My sincere thanks to you for leaving such a nice comment.

      This was my thinking. A man and woman just sit down with an impartial party and "spill their guts," and no matter how ugly it comes out, at least they are talking.

      This might work and it might not.

      But at least it is a way out.

      Thanks, my dear friend, for coming by and you and all of my followers are always welcome to talk to me.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama


      Thank you sincerely for this sweet remark. Humor and sincerity married in this hub. Divorce is not a good thing--but only like I said in a dangerous relationship. The kids, if any, are always affected.

      And I am for fixing it if possible. My sister divorced her husband of 38 years and believed that he had numerous one-night stands. I only heard HER side of the story and his only once. He said. She said. No real proof.

      But what was funny to me was she never retained an attorney to defend her in court. He got the house and all of the bank account cash, land, etc. Gave her the car they owned. That was it.

      She said her nerves were so bad that she couldn't have took the trial.

      A flag went up, but she passed away last January and we never came to an understanding.

      I guess some things are just best left alone.

      Sheila, thanks, dear friend, for the nice comment.

    • profile image


      4 years ago

      LOL! I laughed at every one of the things in your list. What's really awesome about your hub is the last part. There are some things I can see that a husband or wife could do and there wouldn't be any way to reconnect, but many things can be fixed by just sitting down and talking through the problems.

    • Melinda Longoria profile image

      Melinda Longoria, MSM 

      4 years ago from Garland, Texas

      That is a great point. I wondered why people weren't asked if they truly wanted to go through with the divorce.... I guess the attorney only gets paid if the divorce happens. Not only that but why aren't couples required to attend marriage counseling for a time before they proceed?

    • carrie Lee Night profile image

      Carrie Lee Night 

      4 years ago from Northeast United States

      Voted funny :). Great funny hub.... Keep them coming. Thanks for sharing !

    • PurvisBobbi44 profile image


      4 years ago from Florida


      I hope all is well in your orbit. That was a good hub to read. We have all had experiences with the legal eagles. I have a few in my family.

      Take care it is getting late and my eyes are closing. See you soon.

      Bobbi Purvis


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