"2013 Predictions" or "The Year That Could Be" (Satire)
2012 was an interesting year.
O-Bam-Bam-A found himself benefiting from the stupidity of the Republican Party and was re-elected, the Mayans were proven wrong ... again (If their civilization was so smart why did it die out?), and Pop Superstars like Boxing's Justa Beaver, Spoiled Rotten Honey Eew Eew, and Miss Angel Taylor Swift In The Sack And Write A Song About It could do no wrong, even after doing wrong.
Many New Yorkers, who'd made fun of New Orleans hurricane sufferers years ago, found themselves at the mercy of the same inept FEMA that previously plagued their Gulf Coast counterparts, England found it's most popular news story being about royal breasts being exposed, and gun control took precedence over insane idiot control.
Yep, don't you just love it?
So, this leads me, the all knowing prediction maker of those who don't know, to predict some of this year's occurrences. Since January is already half over, some of the timing on these might be a bit off, but I predict they will occur this year!
There will be snow in Washington State, Montana, and Maine. The rest of the country will experience warmer than normal temperatures and laugh their tails off at those stuck in the white frozen stuff.
Credit card companies save the U.S. Postal System from going under as bills from holiday users surpass all expectations. The President awards Citibank, Capitol One, and Discover Card Services the highest honor of having their CEO's for dinner at the local McDonald's.
O-Bam-Bam-A will change his name. As he pursues gun control, it will be rendered it politically incorrect to have "Bam" included in one's name. He will attempt to change his name to Magic Johnson, but will settle on "The One Who Wants To Be Known As King."
Mitt Romney will follow in those same footsteps, only with boots on, as the rest of the country is now covered in snow, except for Washington, Montana, and Maine, whose populations get revenge for January and will be taunting, "Your Turn, Your Turn, Your Turn!" Mitt will now be known as "The One Who Used To Want To Be Known As King."
There will be another shooting massacre. This time, the entire security force of a prison will be totally fed up with our joke of a legal system that protects murderers, abusers, and politicians, and proceed to execute these individuals cell by cell. (Sexual abusers will not be executed, but have all lower extremities forcibly removed by double barreled shotgun blasts, just because they should.) Television will be filled with "mind doctors" providing excuses for each of the guilty guards, and they will be given full pay and benefits for life after it is found they saved the state millions of dollars in future prisoner care ... no longer needed.
Congress will have a vote and name "The One Who Wants To Be Known As King" as U.S. royalty and King of the Country. This will be aired live on CNN and Fox News. After one hour of news sensationalism, Congress will report, "APRIL FOOLS" and shame the networks into a sense of paranoia. From this point on, any important news will not be reported until it is over 24 hours old, and confirmed by watching BBC News first.
As the "Threat Of The Year", Atlantis predictions will make their appearance. Once again, the end of the world will be forecast. This time, renewals of Honey Eew Eww, any reality Housewives show, and Rush Limburgercheese will be the causes. Networks will deny these predictions and vote in the favor of Spring ratings and renew each for one more season. The world will wait in fear of the end to see if they repeat this careless act in the Fall Season.
Tornadoes will run rampant in the Midwest. Ironically, they will hit only television station after television station that carries the broadcasts of April's renewals, discussed in March (see above, as if you really needed these directions). Thousands will appeal to FEMA to become an effective agency and get these stations operating again as withdrawal symptoms set in and panic is created. Police forces will make numerous arrests of Best Buy patrons seeking the DVD copies of previous episodes who create havoc when it is found they are only available online.
As employment continues to be a problem in the United States, McDonald's opens 150 more locations for those needing someplace to rob. Since prisons are now not a safe place to send convicted felons, McDonald's offers them jobs, and a "mind doctor" to assist them in making the transition from illegal drug addiction to fast food. Soon, all are too fat to run, thus, ruining their chances of returning to crime and making a quick getaway.
School is out for the Summer! Kids spend their time texting, computer surfing, and playing video games. An effort is made to make America's youth exercise by forcing all to line up by the curb three times a day. To make this less stringent, Good Humor Ice Cream Trucks will reward them with free ice cream. This project will be quickly abandoned when it is found Good Humor is charging the government $325 per ice cream bar (twice the normal price).
Florida will become known as the "State Down Under" as massive populations of Australians arrive to catch all the feral species that have been released in the wild. Drug traffickers will find themselves no match for the Crocodile Dundee Bowie Knife users, and move all operations to Mobile, Alabama. This will quickly end when it is found most rednecks carry guns in their cars, and aren't afraid of those speaking with a Spanish/Cuban/Columbian dialect.
Record heat will engulf the nation. "Barbecuing" will be the word of the day for anyone that ventures outside to have a needed cigarette.
Another massacre takes place. This time, a group of Mississippi citizens go into a part of Biloxi that is known for harboring meth houses, thieves, and generally "bad people" and open hunting season ... no license or limit necessary. Amazingly, the city's crime rate drops overnight. After 27 judges declare themselves to be unable to make a valid legal decision and excuse themselves from the seat, TV's People's Court Judge Marilyn Milian will hold a mass trial, fine all the guilty parties $50 for criminal trespass, and move on to the important cases involving stupid people.
In an amazing decision, the U.S. Supreme Court votes in favor of declaring the concept of "Political Correctness" to be completely politically incorrect! It is decided that if a person hasn't been taught the manners necessary to survive as a viable adult, then they should be imprisoned. With the threat of more prison shootings taking place, society immediately learns to be nice to each other.
(Okay, so that one was a nice fantasy that we all know will never happen!)
As the summer heat increases, droughts take place. New Yorkers are finding themselves wishing for another hurricane just to cool the steaming pavement. Animal Planet becomes the cooking channel as the keeping of pets outdoors turns into a means of feeding the family. Purchases of large canines increase as local animal shelters reap huge profits.
Michelle "The One Who Wants To Be Known As King" and Oprah Winfrey decide to hold an interview in the presidential garden. After doing so, both reap the benefits of jointly publishing a new diet book exploring the miraculous benefits of sweating.
Christmas decorations begin to decorate college campuses and department stores as school resumes. Bookstores hold their own version of Black Friday across the United States, in which several prospective students sustain serious injury in the rush to get the latest I-Phone covers.
Congress returns from their Summer break to discuss how to best serve the people that elected them to office. They decide on a coupon book good for two for one specials at McDonalds. In the light of needing to fight obesity in the country, salads are offered in the front of the book. Students across the United States use these pages for taking notes and phone numbers when their cell phones run out of power.
The Alabama Crimson Tide Football Team will become the official escorts of the Miss Alabama Beauty Pageant. This will take place as national attention given such contestants has proven to increase Facebook and Twitter followers by the thousands.
Networks decide to tempt fate by renewing all of the reality shows offered for another season. Immediately, a major hurricane hits the networks headquarters locations and eliminates all copies of these programs. Religious believers immediately declare this to be a gift from God and church attendance skyrockets.
"The One Who Wants To Be Known As King." holds an hour telecast to reflect upon his previous five years in office. This is done as a Fall replacement for reality shows lost in the hurricane. Ratings plummet.
Preparation for the end of the world continue. Boat sales and rubber pool raft sales skyrocket. Spam sees an increase of profits, as it is discovered it tastes the same either fresh or spoiled.
Millions of Chinese workers are laid off as Americans no longer can afford the products they produce. China decides it is better to let the workers starve and go homeless than to provide any type of unemployment benefits. Angry at American shoppers, the workers revolt against the host companies and destroy all of the factories. American big business follows suit with prison guards and Chinese examples and executes all the CEO’s that pushed for foreign factories to ever be installed.
Politician’s, without the benefit of big business filling their pockets, find themselves losing everything as Wall Street crashes. A shortage of double wide trailers occurs as they seek to fill Arlington National Cemetery with temporary housing for the homeless Congressmen. Crop dusters from the South and Midwest mistakenly dust the area, ending years of big business ties to government as the trailers prove to be ineffective against Raid and other pest control chemicals.
A new government, for the people, by the people and of the people is created. It’s called Democracy, and devotes itself to listening to the masses instead of the minority. Business prospers, society thrives, and happiness is provided to all that participate.
And then, as predicted, the world ends.
Need I say, “The End?”
Of course, these are only predictions. 2013 could be an interesting year.
We’ll just have to wait and see.
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