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"2013 Predictions" or "The Year That Could Be" (Satire)

Updated on May 6, 2017
Nostradamus  (Public Domain Due to Copyright Expiration)
Nostradamus (Public Domain Due to Copyright Expiration)

2012 was an interesting year.

O-Bam-Bam-A found himself benefiting from the stupidity of the Republican Party and was re-elected, the Mayans were proven wrong ... again (If their civilization was so smart why did it die out?), and Pop Superstars like Boxing's Justa Beaver, Spoiled Rotten Honey Eew Eew, and Miss Angel Taylor Swift In The Sack And Write A Song About It could do no wrong, even after doing wrong.

Many New Yorkers, who'd made fun of New Orleans hurricane sufferers years ago, found themselves at the mercy of the same inept FEMA that previously plagued their Gulf Coast counterparts, England found it's most popular news story being about royal breasts being exposed, and gun control took precedence over insane idiot control.

Yep, don't you just love it?

So, this leads me, the all knowing prediction maker of those who don't know, to predict some of this year's occurrences. Since January is already half over, some of the timing on these might be a bit off, but I predict they will occur this year!

Source

January

There will be snow in Washington State, Montana, and Maine. The rest of the country will experience warmer than normal temperatures and laugh their tails off at those stuck in the white frozen stuff.

Credit card companies save the U.S. Postal System from going under as bills from holiday users surpass all expectations. The President awards Citibank, Capitol One, and Discover Card Services the highest honor of having their CEO's for dinner at the local McDonald's.

I PLAY BASKETBALL BETTER THAN YOU, AND LOOK BETTER AT A PODIUM.  NO, YOU CAN'T HAVE MY NAME!
I PLAY BASKETBALL BETTER THAN YOU, AND LOOK BETTER AT A PODIUM. NO, YOU CAN'T HAVE MY NAME! | Source

February

O-Bam-Bam-A will change his name. As he pursues gun control, it will be rendered it politically incorrect to have "Bam" included in one's name. He will attempt to change his name to Magic Johnson, but will settle on "The One Who Wants To Be Known As King."

Mitt Romney will follow in those same footsteps, only with boots on, as the rest of the country is now covered in snow, except for Washington, Montana, and Maine, whose populations get revenge for January and will be taunting, "Your Turn, Your Turn, Your Turn!" Mitt will now be known as "The One Who Used To Want To Be Known As King."

LET'S REDUCE PRISON CROWDING THE RIGHT WAY!
LET'S REDUCE PRISON CROWDING THE RIGHT WAY! | Source

March

There will be another shooting massacre. This time, the entire security force of a prison will be totally fed up with our joke of a legal system that protects murderers, abusers, and politicians, and proceed to execute these individuals cell by cell. (Sexual abusers will not be executed, but have all lower extremities forcibly removed by double barreled shotgun blasts, just because they should.) Television will be filled with "mind doctors" providing excuses for each of the guilty guards, and they will be given full pay and benefits for life after it is found they saved the state millions of dollars in future prisoner care ... no longer needed.

How dare you classify me in the same category as Honey Eew Eew!  I'm much better looking!
How dare you classify me in the same category as Honey Eew Eew! I'm much better looking! | Source

April

Congress will have a vote and name "The One Who Wants To Be Known As King" as U.S. royalty and King of the Country. This will be aired live on CNN and Fox News. After one hour of news sensationalism, Congress will report, "APRIL FOOLS" and shame the networks into a sense of paranoia. From this point on, any important news will not be reported until it is over 24 hours old, and confirmed by watching BBC News first.

As the "Threat Of The Year", Atlantis predictions will make their appearance. Once again, the end of the world will be forecast. This time, renewals of Honey Eew Eww, any reality Housewives show, and Rush Limburgercheese will be the causes. Networks will deny these predictions and vote in the favor of Spring ratings and renew each for one more season. The world will wait in fear of the end to see if they repeat this careless act in the Fall Season.

Cooked by Convicts.  Just another way we help the communities in which we thrive.
Cooked by Convicts. Just another way we help the communities in which we thrive. | Source

May

Tornadoes will run rampant in the Midwest. Ironically, they will hit only television station after television station that carries the broadcasts of April's renewals, discussed in March (see above, as if you really needed these directions). Thousands will appeal to FEMA to become an effective agency and get these stations operating again as withdrawal symptoms set in and panic is created. Police forces will make numerous arrests of Best Buy patrons seeking the DVD copies of previous episodes who create havoc when it is found they are only available online.

As employment continues to be a problem in the United States, McDonald's opens 150 more locations for those needing someplace to rob. Since prisons are now not a safe place to send convicted felons, McDonald's offers them jobs, and a "mind doctor" to assist them in making the transition from illegal drug addiction to fast food. Soon, all are too fat to run, thus, ruining their chances of returning to crime and making a quick getaway.

ICE CREAM!  ICE CREAM!
ICE CREAM! ICE CREAM! | Source

June

School is out for the Summer! Kids spend their time texting, computer surfing, and playing video games. An effort is made to make America's youth exercise by forcing all to line up by the curb three times a day. To make this less stringent, Good Humor Ice Cream Trucks will reward them with free ice cream. This project will be quickly abandoned when it is found Good Humor is charging the government $325 per ice cream bar (twice the normal price).

Florida will become known as the "State Down Under" as massive populations of Australians arrive to catch all the feral species that have been released in the wild. Drug traffickers will find themselves no match for the Crocodile Dundee Bowie Knife users, and move all operations to Mobile, Alabama. This will quickly end when it is found most rednecks carry guns in their cars, and aren't afraid of those speaking with a Spanish/Cuban/Columbian dialect.

GUESS WE WENT A LITTLE CRAZY LOOKING FOR BAD GUYS.  Oops!
GUESS WE WENT A LITTLE CRAZY LOOKING FOR BAD GUYS. Oops! | Source

July

Record heat will engulf the nation. "Barbecuing" will be the word of the day for anyone that ventures outside to have a needed cigarette.

Another massacre takes place. This time, a group of Mississippi citizens go into a part of Biloxi that is known for harboring meth houses, thieves, and generally "bad people" and open hunting season ... no license or limit necessary. Amazingly, the city's crime rate drops overnight. After 27 judges declare themselves to be unable to make a valid legal decision and excuse themselves from the seat, TV's People's Court Judge Marilyn Milian will hold a mass trial, fine all the guilty parties $50 for criminal trespass, and move on to the important cases involving stupid people.

ANYONE FOR PRIME RIB?
ANYONE FOR PRIME RIB? | Source

August

In an amazing decision, the U.S. Supreme Court votes in favor of declaring the concept of "Political Correctness" to be completely politically incorrect! It is decided that if a person hasn't been taught the manners necessary to survive as a viable adult, then they should be imprisoned. With the threat of more prison shootings taking place, society immediately learns to be nice to each other.

(Okay, so that one was a nice fantasy that we all know will never happen!)

As the summer heat increases, droughts take place. New Yorkers are finding themselves wishing for another hurricane just to cool the steaming pavement. Animal Planet becomes the cooking channel as the keeping of pets outdoors turns into a means of feeding the family. Purchases of large canines increase as local animal shelters reap huge profits.

Michelle "The One Who Wants To Be Known As King" and Oprah Winfrey decide to hold an interview in the presidential garden. After doing so, both reap the benefits of jointly publishing a new diet book exploring the miraculous benefits of sweating.

SCHOOL BELLS!  TIME TO SHOP!
SCHOOL BELLS! TIME TO SHOP! | Source

September

Christmas decorations begin to decorate college campuses and department stores as school resumes. Bookstores hold their own version of Black Friday across the United States, in which several prospective students sustain serious injury in the rush to get the latest I-Phone covers.

Congress returns from their Summer break to discuss how to best serve the people that elected them to office. They decide on a coupon book good for two for one specials at McDonalds. In the light of needing to fight obesity in the country, salads are offered in the front of the book. Students across the United States use these pages for taking notes and phone numbers when their cell phones run out of power.

October

The Alabama Crimson Tide Football Team will become the official escorts of the Miss Alabama Beauty Pageant. This will take place as national attention given such contestants has proven to increase Facebook and Twitter followers by the thousands.

Networks decide to tempt fate by renewing all of the reality shows offered for another season. Immediately, a major hurricane hits the networks headquarters locations and eliminates all copies of these programs. Religious believers immediately declare this to be a gift from God and church attendance skyrockets.

I'M READY FOR ANY TIDAL WAVE WITH THIS BOAT!
I'M READY FOR ANY TIDAL WAVE WITH THIS BOAT! | Source

November

"The One Who Wants To Be Known As King." holds an hour telecast to reflect upon his previous five years in office. This is done as a Fall replacement for reality shows lost in the hurricane. Ratings plummet.

Preparation for the end of the world continue. Boat sales and rubber pool raft sales skyrocket. Spam sees an increase of profits, as it is discovered it tastes the same either fresh or spoiled.

WHERE'S THE DOUBLE WIDES????
WHERE'S THE DOUBLE WIDES???? | Source

December

Millions of Chinese workers are laid off as Americans no longer can afford the products they produce. China decides it is better to let the workers starve and go homeless than to provide any type of unemployment benefits. Angry at American shoppers, the workers revolt against the host companies and destroy all of the factories. American big business follows suit with prison guards and Chinese examples and executes all the CEO’s that pushed for foreign factories to ever be installed.

Politician’s, without the benefit of big business filling their pockets, find themselves losing everything as Wall Street crashes. A shortage of double wide trailers occurs as they seek to fill Arlington National Cemetery with temporary housing for the homeless Congressmen. Crop dusters from the South and Midwest mistakenly dust the area, ending years of big business ties to government as the trailers prove to be ineffective against Raid and other pest control chemicals.

A new government, for the people, by the people and of the people is created. It’s called Democracy, and devotes itself to listening to the masses instead of the minority. Business prospers, society thrives, and happiness is provided to all that participate.

And then, as predicted, the world ends.

Need I say, “The End?”

Of course, these are only predictions. 2013 could be an interesting year.

We’ll just have to wait and see.


©Copyright RCRUMPLE2012. All Rights Reserved

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    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      James -

      Good to see you, sir!

      Your words are only too kind. Just a different take on what all the experts are doing. Glad you enjoyed it!

      Thanks so much for reading and commenting! Much appreciated!

    • James A Watkins profile image

      James A Watkins 4 years ago from Chicago

      Hilarious!!! I enjoyed this so much. You are double sharp and if you look up the word "witty" in the dictionary it features your picture. Well done! Beautifully written. Made my day complete.

      James :D

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Girishpuri-

      Glad you enjoyed this. Hopefully, the prediction for the end of the world will not be before December 25th! Lol

      Many thanks for the comments! Greatly appreciated!

    • girishpuri profile image

      Girish puri 4 years ago from NCR , INDIA

      Ha ha ha, great stuff, hope to see you next Christmas... lol. God bless.

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Rosyel -

      Thanks for stopping in!

      I attempted to be somewhat realistic. I just hope the ending is different. lol Glad you liked it, though! I thought it was a little beyond what most have done. : )

      Really appreciate you commenting! Many thanks!

    • Rosyel Sawali profile image

      Rosyel Sawali 4 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      Hello Rich,

      Interesting hub you got here! Hmm is it just me or a lot of your predictions do sound plausible? ^_^ For sure, it's going to be another challenging year. Alas, we could all hope for the best -- always! I love how you ended the hub LOL!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Linda-

      Glad you enjoyed this one!

      I'm hoping I'm way off base (especially with the ending, lol), but then again, who knows? I figure I'm as good as any other idiot that thinks they can predict the future. : ) Plus, I figured it was time for some laughs again.

      Thanks so much for commenting! Greatly appreciated!

    • lrc7815 profile image

      Linda Crist 4 years ago from Central Virginia

      This was just too funny Rich but you know, it's probably more accurate than we know. Great job!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Zulma -

      They're doing a little better than before, but still aren't up to par. Vision is very blurry after a couple of hours online. I'm afraid my views are showing the results of not being able to read the hubs of others as often as I was once able. Oh well, C'est le Vie! Thanks for asking!

    • phoenix2327 profile image

      Zulma Burgos-Dudgeon 4 years ago from United Kingdom

      It's my pleasure really. Good to see something new from you. Does this mean your eyes are mending well?

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Zulma -

      Really good to see you again. Who knows what's going to happen in the upcoming year. lol The super volcano of Yellowstone National Park may erupt and send all of us into an ashy existence. Still, it's kind of interesting to predict. : ) I'm still awaiting my royalty money from the BBC for promoting them!

      Thanks for stopping by! Greatly Appreciated!

    • phoenix2327 profile image

      Zulma Burgos-Dudgeon 4 years ago from United Kingdom

      If what you predict comes to pass, I better stock up on the popcorn as BBC News is about to get interesting. lol

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Martin -

      Good to see you, my friend. It's good to be back. There's a mass of hubs I've got to catch up on, yours included. Eyes are still giving me fits, but I'll do my best.

      Thanks for the kind words! Much appreciated!

    • Mhatter99 profile image

      Martin Kloess 4 years ago from San Francisco

      Great stuff. You are inn good form. Hope to see you at the other end (of 2013).

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Hey Sis!

      I thought it time to return to HP's for a while. My time and eyes are still somewhat limited, but I'm going to give it all I can. I do my best to write a little differently than most. Hopefully, it comes across that way. : )

      I've got to get around to reading much of what's been written by you and others while I've been away. I don't know if I'll ever get caught up, but at least I'll make the effort. Keep smiling! It looks good on you!

      Thanks, as always, for all the great support! Greatly appreciated!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Mary -

      Really good to see you again! It's good to be back. I had to search for it again, as it took a longer vacation than I, but I think it's about ready to get back to work. Glad you liked this one!

      Appreciate the comments and votes! Many thanks!

    • marcoujor profile image

      Maria Jordan 4 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

      Bro,

      Nobody puts it out there and then takes it back like you...very funny, yet deep down honey ew ew...

      Your name always creates a huge smile on my face. And call me psychic...but I predict it always will...

      Voted UP and UFAI...Love, Sis

    • mary615 profile image

      Mary Hyatt 4 years ago from Florida

      Hey, it's good to see you back. You didn't lose your sense of humor. I got a kick out of this one, and voted it that way.

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Paula -

      Let me clarify. Tis good to see the smile of one that means so much after my long absence from HP's. No, I have not been sneaking up on you to watch you sleep. I would never impose you to such a horrible experience as believing one would breech your privacy while in such a peaceful state. Btw, did you know you snored? lol

      Thanks again, my friend! It's good to be back! I've missed your wit!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      I didn't know I stopped smiling....if you saw me without a smile.....you sneaked up on me while I was sleeping....and people get arrested for that crumple!........I even smile when I'm mad.....but I'm also gritting my teeth! Of course, I MEANT demented. I have no idea why I said, "genius."

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Lizzy -

      I had to follow the path of my predecessors last year and give us another reason to prepare for the end of time. I'd be neglecting my duties if I didn't! lol Glad you enjoyed this. It's good to be back!

      Thanks for all the support! Many Thanks!

    • LaThing profile image

      LaThing 4 years ago from From a World Within, USA

      Oh, what a dreadful and horrible, horrible year we all are going to have!! Ahhhhh - IT'S DEVASTATING!! 2013 - The Year The World Ends, Again!!

      :)) Great to have you back ...... Now I can continue on with my hysterical laughter episode .... ROFL, HAHAHA, LOL.....

      Voting up and everything!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Eric -

      A man of few words, yet, meaningful. Thanks, my friend. Good to know you enjoyed!

      Greatly appreciated!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Dana -

      "Twisted" is a compliment! lol This was my way of "coming back" to the writing world, persay, after taking almost a month off from HP's. Glad you enjoyed it! Of course I had to end it that way. How else would television programmers get the hint? : )

      It's good to be back! Thanks for you great comments!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Paula -

      I'm not sure about the GENIUS part. Perhaps, DEMENTED is more like it. lol I'm really glad you enjoyed this one. Good to see you smiling again!

      Your words are seriously too kind. Greatly appreciated!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Bill -

      Good to see you again, my friend. I figured if everyone else could make predictions, so could I. Perhaps the accuracy is a little off, but the message was there. : )

      Thanks for the comments! Greatly appreciated!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Michelle -

      We gotta take care of the kids ... somehow, anyway! Really happy you liked this!

      Appreciate the comments! Many thanks!

    • rcrumple profile image
      Author

      Rich 4 years ago from Kentucky

      Janine -

      After yesterday's fiasco of a blog (which was quickly deleted) I decided it time to get busy and push a little. It was amazing how quickly this actually came out. Really glad you enjoyed it!

      Thanks for all your kind words and efforts! Greatly appreciated!

    • Ericdierker profile image

      Eric Dierker 4 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Amen

    • DanaTeresa profile image

      Dana Strang 4 years ago from Ohio

      Oh you are one funny man, a little twisted, still funny.... This was a hoot to read. I laughed, I cringed, I shook my head, and I lauged some more... I will second Janine's comment. Great to get a new government in the end, but bummer the world ends right after. Supose if it didn't it would just end up screwed up anyway.....

      Thrilled to see another great hub from you. :)

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      rumplestiltskin.....YOU, are a GENIUS and I have one thing to say....I absolutely love this hub.....it's perfect. (sending this on to EVERYONE in my address book!)....UP and Fabulous!

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Oh, it is so good to have you back! I needed this laugh before I started my day, and you did not disappoint. Well done; funny throughout and a few laugh out louds tossed in. Thanks buddy!

    • midget38 profile image

      Michelle Liew 4 years ago from Singapore

      And these are the funniest predictions I have read by far. Now, that is taking "sugar coating" punishment for kids to the next level! Voted across!

    • Janine Huldie profile image

      Janine Huldie 4 years ago from New York, New York

      Richard, I made it all the way through and it sounded glorious to have a new government and then you ended the world, lol!! Great job on this and really love your humor. So missed and needed though. Have of course voted way up and shared all over as always!!