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5 Reasons Why I Did Not Join ISIS and Become a Suicide Bomber

Updated on June 4, 2016
Education Beats Suicide
Education Beats Suicide

ISIS has been wreaking havoc across the middle east Africa and has spread its wings into Europe and America. They have recruited many idiots who join up on the promise of some pretty delusional expectations. While i was walking home one day, i saw a tall figure step out from the dark alley, he approached me, handed me a pamphlet and murmured something in a language i did not understand. I was a bit scared as i thought if i was going to be mugged and killed. If i was going to be killed, i did not want to die in some rotten alley. I wanted it to be somewhere where someone could at least get a video or two pics so i could be famous after my corpse was scooped off the saliva kissing floor. Anyway, the pamphlet simply said;

"Tired of the West
Want to be the best
Your soul will be rich
When you join ISIS"

I was actually pretty excited, i thought this was some new marketing scheme which when i joined, i would have begun to make millions of dollars, drive Bentley with pools and have a different color booty to shake everyday. So i went to the address i saw on the paper. It was kind of weird because when i entered the room, i saw a vast mix of races, i saw blacks, whites, middle eastern. But i can tell you that there was no Asian. "Something must be wrong with this group i said in my mind, we are here to make money and there is no Asians" I was curious, so I held up my hand and said, "Excuse me...when do we start making money here?" Everyone looked at me and began to laugh, then a man approached me and put his hand on my shoulder and said, "My friend, the sacrifice you will make for Allah is all the reward you need." I gently removed his hand and said, " My sacri-what?" "Yes my good friend, we will recruit you to become a suicide bomber and you will be rewarded the greatest gifts in heaven" I thought it was joke until i saw a little kid with explosives strapped to his guts smiling at me and giving me the thumbs up. I just game him the thumbs down immediately.

I then asked, "So what are the benefits of me blowing up my self into tiny blood droplets for you? He then handed me a list of things i would gain. I quickly tore up the sheet of paper and dashed back through the entrance. They chased me but i managed to elude the insane humans. The list had nothing interesting to me and therefore i was not interested in joining. So here is why i never joined ISIS.

1. I already Had Seventy Two Virgins

They said if i joined and gave my life to Allah i would gain 72 virgins in heaven. What kind of bullshit is that. That is no way to entice people to join ISIS, they need to scrap this from the recruiting list. Why die to get seventy two virgins when i have already lived and gotten 90 virgins already. Come now ISIS, you have got to up the stakes on this seventy two virgin promise if you want more bombers. How about two hot nights with the kardashians, 50 black vixens, or a chance to fulfill all those perverted desires before you die. Who wants to die and get seventy two boring virgins? And then again, the contract never said what type of virgins either did it. ISIS you sly devil. That my friend is a thumbs down.

2. Lead By Example

so how do i work this piece of Gizmo, i just press and let go? Can you give me a live demonstration? How comes i do not see the persons who are recruiting people to join ISIS wanting to be suicide bombers? Aren't they too tired of the West and want to be with their God in heaven surrounded by a platter of virgins? Why don't rich middle eastern people sign up for this terrorist organization. The reason is that they are smart. They have better things to do than strap themselves with explosives and blow up themselves only to be forgotten later. Before i even think about blowing up my little sweet self, i would love to see a terrorist leader do the same. Just saying, lead by example.

3. I Hate Paper Cuts

A couple days ago i was at the office putting in some paper into the photocopy machine. While pulling the package the papers came in, i managed to get a paper-cut between the thumb nail and flesh. It was the most painful experience i ever had. I cried like a baby and took the next day off from work for my paper cut to heal properly. Yes, that is how much i simply cannot bare pain. Now, when i think about exploding my self! that thought just exploded my mind. If a paper cut gave me so much agony, how much pain would an explosive give. Then, suppose the explosive device flops and only like half a stick of dynamite gets exploded and only chops off a piece of flesh. Can you imagine the amount of pain i would be in if i survived a suicide explosion? No way Jose, you can keep that bomb to yourself.

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4. I Still Like Fried Chicken

Now, with all the talk about dieing and going to heaven in the name of Allah is just not accepted by me. Having virgins to nag the hell out of me in heaven is not what i am looking forward to. For me, i still like a good plate of crispy fried chicken with garlic bread. Milk and honey with seven virgins will simply not provide the nutriments my explosive body needs. Can you imagine having to deal with so many women and only drinking milk and honey? The ladies here on earth love my little beer belly. Do you know how much pork chops and fried chicken i had to eat to get that gut? No my friend, milk and honey would surely make me loose my mojo.

5. I Can't Handle 72 Dark Eyed Wives

Jihad as told us that martyrs will be rewarded in heaven with Allah, laughing, eating and drinking. Yeah, that kind of got my attention, then they mention 72 dark eyed wives. What on Earth or Heaven would you need 72 wives for. Isn't one wife a pain in the neck already, much less 72. Why is there always a promise of flesh in heaven with Allah, i really believe the Jihads have a real fetish of having multiple women all at once. What if the tables were tuned and instead it was 72 men to one wife. Some pretty weird things would be going on at that slumber party if you asked me.


So what do you think, do you really believe joining ISiS is worth it or don't you believe you are signing a shitty contract? I myself will never join ISIS or any other ludicrous religious charade. Trust me friends, you have some pretty crazy people shouting religion these days. But not being religious doesn't mean you can't be spiritual, nor does it discredit you from believing in a supreme being. The problem we face with religions today is that it lacks righteousness and spiritualism and is more focused on idealism. And Idealism is simply the model of Lucifer.


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    • clivewilliams profile image

      Clive Williams 14 months ago from Nibiru

      Thanks frank. Blessings to you BlossomSB

    • Frank Atanacio profile image

      Frank Atanacio 14 months ago from Shelton

      Clive this was off the wall...:)

    • BlossomSB profile image

      Bronwen Scott-Branagan 14 months ago from Victoria, Australia

      Funny, but so true - and a well written wake-up call to those of us who sleep and just hope it will all go away.

    • gregas profile image

      Greg Schweizer 14 months ago from Corona, California.

      I can get all the raisins I want at any store.

    • clivewilliams profile image

      Clive Williams 14 months ago from Nibiru

      Thanks always exploring, that was the real intention

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 14 months ago from Southern Illinois

      This was a Clive hoot and I laughed all the way through. You are so right about spiritualty, it's not the church or the minister, or the people who attend, it's God who rules the universe, and God is love. Isis evolved through a religion that is warped. I can't understand why they hate people. I feel for all the young people who join and believe they will be rewarded for killing innocent people. Your hub is clever and you got your point across in a funny way...