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A Modest Proposal: How To Solve Human Pollution and Gender Prejudice in One Chop

Updated on February 24, 2011


This is a piece of satire.  The beginning is purposefully verbose, wordy, and pompous -- but don't let that stop you from finishing the piece.  Read on.  It gets interesting.

A Modest Proposal


The realm of humanity has generated several problems that are now giving birth to very serious,grave consequences. Our rising population of the world has posed a dangerous threat to the life of the plants and wildlife that are immeasureably precious and essential for the furthering and enriching of nature’s existence. The enormous amounts of human waste, and the overwhelming amount of relentless human activity, has destroyed the ecosystem and is continuing to destroy it even as I am writing this proposal. Of course, I need not belabor my point. As the general scientific community has made clear, these speculations are no longer speculations, but grave realities. Further, there exists in many minds the intolerant notion of marriage, which holds a union between men and women as being a noteworthy affair, but looks with hypocritical disdain on unions between men and men or women and women. This notion arises from the irrational premise that men and women embody essential differences; a premise that has led to a discrimination in which men are being forced to live according to different standards and expectations than females. The line between males and females that has led to this unjust discrimination has been blurred in the past, but I believe we all agree that physical appearance remains a barrier to the true destruction of the masculine and feminine stereotypes that exist in our human society. In addition, the female and male physical workings, such as the menstraul period and the pregnancies of females, in conjunction with the superior strength of males, make it extremely difficult for males and females to see each other as alike enough to become truly united.

After much thought and sleepless nights over these injustices, I believe I have found a solution to the entirety of the aforementioned problems that will be acceptable to all those involved. I humbly propose androgyny surgery.

I realize that the audience witnessing the presentation of this proposal may initially present several objections in the matter of complications. There is the problem of form. Should an androgynous individual be formed to look more like a male, or a female? Should it be flat or full-breasted? What form should its genitals be? Would pregnancy be made to occur in both males and females? I have studied the answers to these questions thoroughly. I have been informed that there are compromises that can be reached on the looks of a male and of a female. After studying noses, jaw sizes, foreheads, and eyes of men and women, I have concluded that the main dissimilarity in the facial region seems to be the jaw. The male jaw would have to be more reduced and less square, in most circumstances. The female’s would be slightly enlarged. The general slope on the face is greater for women than for men. A compromise would be considered here, as well. As for hair, it should be shaved. Women already have longer hair, on average, than men, and it would take too long for men too catch up to become even close to women. The good Dr. Smithson has informed me that a small breast, about the size of an A-cup, could be given to males through estrogen shots. Females, of course, would have to undergo surgery so that their breasts matched the size of the males. As for genitals, I have found that the placing of two genitals on one human body is an exorbitantly expensive process. It would serve our purposes more expediently and less expensively to have them simply cut off and disposed as meat in several places in the world that are currently homes to the starving and deprived animals our on our unfortunately long endangered species list.

The problem of female pregnancy will be solved with the abolishment of genitals. Following this process, men and women will be equal in appearance and general function. As for strength, the Society for the Advancement of Women (SAW) has informed me that their experimentations with testosterone has enabled women to be just as strong as men, to develop facial hair and deeper voices, and have a generally more male appearance. Currently, a synthesis of estrogen and testosterone is being developed by the fine Dr. Smithson and his colleageus that may result in a medication capable of balancing both male and female appearance and function; if they are successful, it will be possible for this process to become a more exact science.

The removal of genitals is a particularly exciting aspect of this proposal, for in solving both the problem of male-female distinction and the problem of human reproduction, it kills two rather destructive birds with one chop, so to speak. If there are no genitals, there will be no sex, and if there is no sex, then the irresponsible rate of human production that has begun to ruin this earth will be stopped. We will be able to uphold our commitment to encourage the growth of nature, and will also cease to emit greenhouse gasses that are ruining the atmosphere.

I realize that this proposal will take government funding, but I humbly urge you to consider it as a solution. I am confident this proposal will move forward, for we seem to be agreed that human beings, being less valuable than the world as a whole, should be taken out of their unfair position as dictators of the earth. Also, discrimination between males and females should no longer exist, and the only way to ensure the abolishment of the cruelly false concept that males and females are innately different is to equalize their appearance and function.

I have heard individuals, when I present this plan, claim that a better, less expensive solution would be for us to simply exterminate human beings. I do not doubt the sincerity of the fine individuals who have proposed such a solution, but I submit that such a proposal is not humane. The immediate murder of billions of human beings would leave thousands of factories in operation, several animals in captivity to die, continue the ommission of destructive greenhouse gasses, and enact many other negative consequences on the world we would leave behind. We need to clean up our mistakes on nature before we leave it.

I have a vision of a new world; a world in which animals roam with true freedom and without fear of being shot, a world in which insects can fly without fear of extermination, a world in which a lion can pursue its prey without being hampered by the world of men, a world in which men and women look at each other and recognize their true equality and become one. A world in which my children will not destroy the sacredness of nature. A world in which men and women cease to exist in their efforts to give birth to an unstained earth.

I humbly ask you to join me on this promising endeavor.


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