A Rude Guide To British Politicians
Very few politicians are liked, admired or respected nowadays and the ones we have in Britain are worse than most. Read on for a completely untrue guide to British politicians: what I say about their personal and reproductive behaviours is made up but it would be more fun if some of it were true.
Prime Minister David Cameron
Cameron is an Old Etonian (very posh) who has never had a real job but was fast-tracked by friends of the family to become leader of the Conservatives in 2005. His father made millions setting up tax avoidance schemes and much of his time in parliament has been spent ensuring that dad's legacy is preserved.
In his defence, he's loyal to people until the headlines get too nasty - then he disowns them and claims he was mislead from the off.
He often puts live earthworms up his nose before going out to face the opposition, The reason for this isn't clear but it's thought to be because he doesn't think much of women MPs and believes that they'll be scared of the yucky worms.
Personal life: married to Samantha, a designer whose business came to prominence soon after her husband became leader of his party. The couple have coitus once every 21 days - they call it rumpy pumpy and Cameron makes a noise like a train at crucial moments. The two like to take frequent holidays in places such as Italy (in a millionaire friend's mansion) and in Cornwall (for the photo ops).
Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne
Famous for changing his name from Gideon Oliver to George when he was 13, a youthful act of rebellion. Got a scholarship to Oxford, helping out the family fortunes (they own a multi-million business and a baronetcy) where he could only manage a 2:1.
As Chancellor, he is responsible for the economy of the UK. He is unique in that his disastrous policies have united economists and politicians worldwide - they all think he's a d***head. ironically, the family firm has lost several million pounds in recent years, paralleling the country's loss of billions.
Personal life: he doesn't really have one, beyond dieting. He lives in a cupboard (albeit a very expensive cupboard) in one of the few expensive bits of northern England. He does make occasional excursions to expensive restaurants with the Bullingdon Club but we don't know what he does there. His forays into rumpy pumpy extend to two children but it's thought that he didn't enjoy it.
Home Secretary Theresa May
May is a bit of an oddity - not particularly successful academically, not particularly successful in business, not particularly good in politics, but talked about as a future leader of her party.
As Home Secretary, May is responsible for immigration, policing, national security and things like that. Police budgets and numbers have been slashed, her party can do no better than lie about immigration and frighten us with fake security alerts. She is good at hushing up scandals and being nasty to foreign Moslems.
She also has responsibility for "Women and Equality" - this one raises a hollow laugh as her government's idea of equality is to force poor women into low paid jobs with poor conditions.
Personal life: she breeds the worms for Cameron's nose but actually employs a Filipino to do the work. She makes her husband wear rubber gloves at intimate moments and refuses to get excited.
Iain Duncan Smith
Secretary of State for Work and Pensions
Sorry, there's nothing funny about this man. He is one of the most vile, dishonest, slimiest politicians we've been forced to endure. He has devised and implemented schemes that have caused misery, hardship and even death for the poor of this country and he's done it with an arrogant smirk that makes even his colleagues cringe.
He's one of the worst at using lying statistics to attempt to justify policies that are vilely unfair. Rebuked by official statisticians, his spokesperson subsequently came out with "this is something which can be evidenced anecdotally." (He has also "felt" truth in his gut.)
For a summary of some of his horrors, see Polly Toynbee
Conservative Party Chairman Grant Shapps
Another slimy little oik, Shapps has filled several political roles, none of them with any great merit. As housing and local government minister, he presided over cuts to (wait for it) social housing building and local government budgets. He chaired the Cross-Ministerial Working Group on Homelessness - appropriate since he helped create much of it.
Now, as Chairman of the party, he's responsible for "getting the message out" although much of what he says is dictated by Lynton Crosby so what he says is simplistic "Moslems bad", "Immigrants bad", "welfare claimants bad" - you might spot the theme here and wonder why either of these toads is paid large amounts of taxpayers' money.
Shapps' most notable achievement is making large sums of money from selling PLR and plagiarised articles under a false name, He fits in well with his colleagues.
Personal life: Shapps likes to lick newts in the hope that their magic will rub off on him. There is no suggestion that he copulates with those newts - I want that to be very clear.