ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

A Rude Guide To British Politicians

Updated on November 5, 2014
Palace of Westminster
Palace of Westminster | Source

Very few politicians are liked, admired or respected nowadays and the ones we have in Britain are worse than most. Read on for a completely untrue guide to British politicians: what I say about their personal and reproductive behaviours is made up but it would be more fun if some of it were true.

David Cameron
David Cameron | Source

Prime Minister David Cameron

Cameron is an Old Etonian (very posh) who has never had a real job but was fast-tracked by friends of the family to become leader of the Conservatives in 2005. His father made millions setting up tax avoidance schemes and much of his time in parliament has been spent ensuring that dad's legacy is preserved.

In his defence, he's loyal to people until the headlines get too nasty - then he disowns them and claims he was mislead from the off.

He often puts live earthworms up his nose before going out to face the opposition, The reason for this isn't clear but it's thought to be because he doesn't think much of women MPs and believes that they'll be scared of the yucky worms.

Personal life: married to Samantha, a designer whose business came to prominence soon after her husband became leader of his party. The couple have coitus once every 21 days - they call it rumpy pumpy and Cameron makes a noise like a train at crucial moments. The two like to take frequent holidays in places such as Italy (in a millionaire friend's mansion) and in Cornwall (for the photo ops).

George Osborne
George Osborne | Source

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne

Famous for changing his name from Gideon Oliver to George when he was 13, a youthful act of rebellion. Got a scholarship to Oxford, helping out the family fortunes (they own a multi-million business and a baronetcy) where he could only manage a 2:1.

As Chancellor, he is responsible for the economy of the UK. He is unique in that his disastrous policies have united economists and politicians worldwide - they all think he's a d***head. ironically, the family firm has lost several million pounds in recent years, paralleling the country's loss of billions.

Personal life: he doesn't really have one, beyond dieting. He lives in a cupboard (albeit a very expensive cupboard) in one of the few expensive bits of northern England. He does make occasional excursions to expensive restaurants with the Bullingdon Club but we don't know what he does there. His forays into rumpy pumpy extend to two children but it's thought that he didn't enjoy it.

Theresa May
Theresa May | Source

Home Secretary Theresa May

May is a bit of an oddity - not particularly successful academically, not particularly successful in business, not particularly good in politics, but talked about as a future leader of her party.

As Home Secretary, May is responsible for immigration, policing, national security and things like that. Police budgets and numbers have been slashed, her party can do no better than lie about immigration and frighten us with fake security alerts. She is good at hushing up scandals and being nasty to foreign Moslems.

She also has responsibility for "Women and Equality" - this one raises a hollow laugh as her government's idea of equality is to force poor women into low paid jobs with poor conditions.

Personal life: she breeds the worms for Cameron's nose but actually employs a Filipino to do the work. She makes her husband wear rubber gloves at intimate moments and refuses to get excited.

Iain Duncan Smith
Iain Duncan Smith | Source

Iain Duncan Smith

Secretary of State for Work and Pensions

Sorry, there's nothing funny about this man. He is one of the most vile, dishonest, slimiest politicians we've been forced to endure. He has devised and implemented schemes that have caused misery, hardship and even death for the poor of this country and he's done it with an arrogant smirk that makes even his colleagues cringe.

He's one of the worst at using lying statistics to attempt to justify policies that are vilely unfair. Rebuked by official statisticians, his spokesperson subsequently came out with "this is something which can be evidenced anecdotally." (He has also "felt" truth in his gut.)

For a summary of some of his horrors, see Polly Toynbee

Grant Shapps
Grant Shapps | Source

Conservative Party Chairman Grant Shapps

Another slimy little oik, Shapps has filled several political roles, none of them with any great merit. As housing and local government minister, he presided over cuts to (wait for it) social housing building and local government budgets. He chaired the Cross-Ministerial Working Group on Homelessness - appropriate since he helped create much of it.

Now, as Chairman of the party, he's responsible for "getting the message out" although much of what he says is dictated by Lynton Crosby so what he says is simplistic "Moslems bad", "Immigrants bad", "welfare claimants bad" - you might spot the theme here and wonder why either of these toads is paid large amounts of taxpayers' money.

Shapps' most notable achievement is making large sums of money from selling PLR and plagiarised articles under a false name, He fits in well with his colleagues.

Personal life: Shapps likes to lick newts in the hope that their magic will rub off on him. There is no suggestion that he copulates with those newts - I want that to be very clear.

UK Politicians Uncovered: what do you think?

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • NanLT profile image


      4 years ago from London, UK

      Now we need a look at the liberal-democrats - who have turned out to be nothing more than conservatives wearing liberal-democrat smiles.

    • FanfrelucheHubs profile image

      Nathalie Roy 

      4 years ago from France (Canadian expat)

      Grant Shapps looks like he's going to say " Wendy, I'm home.".....

    • Stazjia profile image

      Carol Fisher 

      4 years ago from Warminster, Wiltshire, UK

      I think you have been too kind to these Tory politicians.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)