And They Say Southerners Talk Funny
Yankees have been poking fun at southerners for their lifestyle and manner of speech since America’s beginning. And frankly, they’re getting a little tired of it. So, with that in mind, here’s a short list of words southerners have trouble understanding and other tidbits about northerners.
· Bahstin: city in MA.
· Bah: nothing to do with city in MA. It’s a place Yankees gather to drink alcoholic beverages and socialize
· Pahty: frequently held in a bah
· Ahnt: your mother or father’s sister
· Beah: malt beverage often consumed in a bah
· Bahn: a place to keep farm animals
· Cahn: corn
· Connah: where streets intersect.
· Fah: not close
· Fahk: eating utensil
· Gahden: a place to plant flowers and vegetables
· Hahbah: place where ships dock
· Hahvid: a preppy college
· Heah: designation of present location or done with the ears
· khakis: what you start a car with
· Pastah: pastor
· Pahster: nothing to do with church. Something eaten like spaghetti
· Pichah: man who throws baseball
· Shot: not tall
· Wottah: H2O
· Yeah: year
By now any southerner planning a trip north should be able to communicate and understand basic English. But even if they still can’t understand what someone is talking about, don't worry. They don't understand them either. However, they should remember their basic necessities may not be readily available. Yankees have no use for such things as grits and sweet tea. And they don’t cook anything with bacon grease, so it might be wise to bring a can along.
Any southerner planning to drive their own vehicle on the trip should remember, the weather gets much colder there and there may be snow and ice on the roads. Most drivers there are professionals at driving in those conditions. Southerners are not, they should stay home until the roads clear. Also, folks there tend to walk fast, so be prepared to get out of the way before getting get ran over.
Never holler "Hey, y'all, watch this!" No one will pay you the slightest attention, there’s nothing you could do they haven’t already seen. Also be advised, "He needed killing” is not a valid defense there and unlike folks in the south, people there do use turn signals.
Here are a few other things visiting southerners should avoid.
· Never get into an argument about Florida being a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
· Don’t refer to the Civil War as "The War of Northern Aggression” or say there was nothing civil about it.
· Don’t refer to every soft drink as a Coke. Be specific.
· Don’t call all males "son" or refer to a woman as the "little lady."
Southerners traveling north should be ready to defend their dignity if they become involved in a battle of wits with locals making fun of them. Here are a few witty questions designed to cut them down to size.
· Ask a Yankee if it’s 11:30 PM Dec 31, 2012 in Texas and 12:30 AM Jan 1st in New York and you have a New York driver's license that expires in Jan 2007, does that mean your license has expired?
· In the song Yankee Doodle, is it the horse or the feather being called "macaroni?"
· Why is it before 9/11 they always showed the emergency broadcast system test, but on 9/11 never used it?
· What’s another word for "thesaurus”?
· In a New York City movie theater, which arm rest is yours?