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Are you important, or just "hogwash"?

Updated on February 1, 2012

This is an arrogant man



to you, friends? Where I'm from, a small town, people "act" as if the sun rose just because they woke up. And sets for the same reason. I would say this is "hogwash," if this weren't a profane term. Okay. "hogwash." That's all it really is.

When the final tally is over at the end of our lives, including the "acting" important posers I am talking about, we all soon, and with much clarity, find out whom is and whom is NOT important.

Have a sunny day.


I'm Saving You Some Embarrassment

Let me ask you a question, Mr. and Mrs., or Mr. and Ms. American man or woman? And be up-front with me, because I literally cannot tolerate hypocricy or someone who lies-at-will. No way. My question is: ARE YOU IMPORTANT?

I confess. I am not important. If I WERE important, would I be writing this story? No. I'd be somewhere in Key West or Destin, Florida, basking in the air conditioned condo with jugs of Gatorade (America's Sports Drink) flowing while the hotwings keep frying. And I'd smile at just the thought of how much money I have in several banks-drawing interest while I simply take each day as it comes and take it easy with naps, wide-screen television, private cellphone, tailored sport clothes and shoes, a few nice cars and maybe a standing reservation at Joe's Crab Shack at all locations along the Eastern Seaboard. Yessireee, that's how I define IMPORTANT.

I'd have pop singer and genius, Peter Gabriel, visit me for song ideas. Gabriel would love me and be envious of how cool and important I really am. He would always compare me to Bill Gates, Nelson Mandella, Gen. George Patton, and Bill Cosby. Yeah. I'm that important. (thanks, Heinz steak sauce for the line).

I'd not have my hair combed at any given time. I'd gel it up and lay around on the beach with my $1200.00 sunglasses imported from Sweden and just halfway smile that important smile as average vacationeers stroll by and whisper about me, "That guy is important. See how he halfway smiles?" It would be paradise found if I were that important. And I'd not be greedy like most important, powerful, wealthy people. I would be content with the multi-fortunes I have in several banks in the United States and some overseas, but NOT Switzerland. My funds would be legally-obtainede and honestly-garnered. TIME magazine would bother me all the time for a cover story on how I came from a shadow on the sidewalk to one of the most important men in the United States. I would have said 'in the world,' but I'm not greedy.

And now to lend you some FREE advice and a FREE lecture on If YOU are Important or not. It might be rough from here on in, so grab a hanky or Kleenex and let's go on a tour of honest reflection to see whether or not you are important enough to appear on The Tonight Show (with me) and my bud, Jay Leno. Now that's cooking, man. Are you ready? Good. At the end of this lecture, I ask for NO donations or compliments. I'm already secure enough to know that IM NOT important, so your compliments can be aimed at someone like Mother Teresa, Billly Graham, or some faceless group of people at work right now trying to make our world a better place to exist.

Do you wear your cellphone on your belt? What? You don't? Wy', friend, that's a must if you are to be an important-looking man or woman. Well, mostly important men wear their cellphones on their belts to enchace their image of being important. Important ladies keep their designer cellphones in their designer purses. This is just the beginning, so don't freak on me now. There is way more to read and memorize and put into motion if being important is a dream that you've had for years. Let me explain why important men wear their cellphones on their belts. So their important friends can call them--mostly in public places like packed restaurants where mostly average people dine. That barrage of cellphone calls the important man gets at his table, or standing up, will really cement his importance to the lowly-work-for-a-living diners who are asking themselves, "Just who is that important man getting those calls--a doctor, lawyer, mutual fund dealer?" That's the reason, friends. The honest reason. And notice, the important man does NOT tell his important friends to call him back. He loves to chat and ramble on and on in front of his important diner friends named, Butch, Biff, Clarence, Chaddie, and T.J., all important and wealthy-sounding names.

When you and your wife or husband, go out to dine, where do you go? Answer this honest, for it will tell me why you're not feeling important. If you are going to a chain restaurant like Texas Roadhouse for steaks, or Logan's Roadhouse, then pal, you are far from important. What you should do is work some overtime, take out a small personal loan, sell some unwanted items, and take that cash and put it on a debit card (that from a distance looks like an important VISA or Diners Club card) and then, lease some nice after-hours luxury clothes, and attend the most-expensive restaurant in your area. And lease a nice car for the night. That is icing on the cake. No one will or should know that you are only acting important, but the word will soon get out that YOU have hit it big somewhere and this is how important people do in life. They look classy and charming. And when you go to the table, make sure a friend of two that you have paid, call you right on time so you can talk extra-loud to further impress the other important people around you. Say things like, "Oh, yeah, W.W., put a hold on that deal and tell D.D. to meet me at the club around 8ish tomorrow night and bring the papers to sign. Later." That will surely make you look important. Are you getting any of this advice? Sometimes, its how you LOOK and ACT that makes you average or important. Let's go on.

Do you play golf? Do what now? What about handball? Friend, you are average. Most important people know how to play golf or handball--and have gym memberships at important gyms like Gold's Gym, not Mikie's Body Shop on 6th and Vine. No sir. Important people do NOT play golf or handball for exercise, (we'll get to that in a moment), but for looks. Important people play golf and handball to gain more clients which leads to more success which elevates them more on the importantce scale. You knew that, right? And to play imporant games like golf, handball, and tennis for the imporant ladies, you need imporant clothing. If you really want to get laughed at on the golf course, or handball court, wear what you call your "good" clothes. Friend, I know what I'm talking about. You will stand out like Osama Bin Ladin on CNN when you show up dressed non-imporant and some golf course or handball facility managers might hurt your feelings and have you leave while other important golfers and handballers look over their $1200.00 sunglasses and smirk at you. I know that this is hurting you, but it's for your own good. Unless you are content to be average, obscure, and just a regular "Joe." The deal was to find out IF you were important or not. Let's go on.

Important people have trainers who help them stay in perfect shape. Important people, when not dining in plush, four-star restaurants with coffee going for $300.00 a cup, have professional chefs who cook the right food for them to always be healthy and slim. The important game isn't for sluggish, overweight, junk-food-eating average men and women. At least try to, if you cannot afford a trainer, secretly go to an average-but-good gym and lose some pounds and tone up some areas on your body. And there again, work more overtime and take out another small personal loan to buy the right foods to prepare at home and while you are at it, go to an important clothing store and buy yourself some important golf and handball ensembles. Now you're on track, buddy. Watch out, stars! Here comes Mr. Importance! He's going to take you down. Are you still with me? We are almost done.

Important people attend many fundraising functions. I'm honest with you, friend. Oh, the only fundraiser you've ever attended was an Elks Lodge raffle for a color television that was given away one New Year's Eve years ago? Friend, you do need some help. Simply pick out from the evening news or newspaper, an important charity or cause, then work more overtime, get more classy evening wear and take your equally-flashy-dresse wife with aq $500.00 haircut and style, to this charity fundraiser. And have a check already made out for MORE than $100.00. For goodness sake. You have become an imporant man--even though mostly in looks alone, you've gone out on the limb. Make sure that the other important people at this function SEE YOU handing your check for $5400.00 to the chairlady or chairman and then, look humble as the chairlady or chairman pats you on the back and shakes your hand. Important people know how to LOOK humble. Not time for you to be arrogant. No mistakes can be made now. You have made it. You are on first-name basis with bankers, doctors, lawyers, mutual fund managers, investment house owners, corporation CEO's and movie stars. How does it feel? Be honest. Good, right? I knew it would. Once an average person has tasted importance, it's tough to go back to being an average bloke with an average job.

That's why I never made the effort to climb The Ladder of Importance. Too much work. Too little overtime for me. I think at this point of my life, I shall be content as possible to just help as many of my friends reach the level of importance that they deserve.

That in itself will make me feel important.


I, Kenneth Avery, am NOT like this man

Let's face it

we are just human beings living in

an imperfect world Why put up

such an act of being superior

to anyone? It's useless. A waste

of time. Just be you and if you are

like me, obscure and non-famous,

that's great. We are still members

of the human race. And not even

the so-called 'elite,' can remove us.


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