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Back To Blonde

Updated on October 14, 2010

My favorite song is by a group called "Matchbox 20" it is called "Back to Good". Its about how when you have screwed things up sometimes you don't know how to fix it. I have changed the title to "Back to Blonde". These past few months have been hell... I guess this is what hell must be like. I haven't been able to write, do anything I like to do or for that matter anything I need to do. My head has been a mess of thoughts and ramblings that make no sense to anyone but me. I'm still not sure it even makes sense to me.

Having bipolar disorder has changed my life..sometimes for the better, other times, like now for the worst. For the past two months I have lain in my bed and slept or cried until I fell asleep..and the funny thing is, I don't know why I was crying. I cleaned the house from top to bottom, even dusting knick-knacks... I don't even like knick-knacks..and did 20, and I'm not kidding loads of laundry. I had to hang them on the line, since I don't have a dryer. Extreme bursts of energy followed by a severe deep depression that I can't seem to get out of. What in the hell is going on???

In my last manic episode I dyed my blonde hair brown... now I have dyed my brown hair blonde again. This seems to be a pattern with me. Like I am trying to change the person in the mirror that is looking back at me. I don't know who she is anymore, and I don't know how to get it back to good as the song says. I can't fix it because I don't know what is broken. Yeah, I know it's chemicals in my brain but "what about my life" ? I don't know, maybe I really don't have a life, and if I do what kind of life is it? Days when I don't know up from down, inside from out, days of keeping my head buried in the sand so I don't have to face reality whatever that happens to be at the time.

I haven't been able to put together a sentence much less write a understandable hub article. My school work is going to hell with only 18 hours to go until my masters degree. I have been working on this article for about three weeks but can't finish it because I can't figure out how to explain what is going on inside my head. Changing from three piece suits to super slim jeans, then back to suits. makeup, no makeup. Being social one minute and anti social the next. yesterday i woke up in my room and was crying because i didn't know where I was. This is the so called manic phase of bipolar disorder but it feels more like multiple personality disorder. One minute I'm this happy, laughing girl and the next I'm running everyone off because i feel like they are trying to get me. My doctor says this changes is due to the Borderline personality disorder.

Borderline Personality disorder is a different type of disorder with many of the same symptoms of bipolar disorder so many times you are tagged with both labels. In borderline personality disorder there is the good me, sweet, talented and fun to be with. Then there is the bad me. The bad me is alot of fun. very social, likes to party, takes risks that i would never take in the good me phase. But after awhile the fun side wears off leaving a hateful, iritiable, angry person who sees nothing good in the world or anyone in it. The different personalities can last a few hours or a few days, or switch back and forth over the course of hours or minutes. These things are what makes it so difficult to separate from the bipolar disorder. Persons with either of these disorders are hell to live with. They often have an array of broken relationships and friendships. Many times changing the dosage of the medications for one can be disasterous to the other. take for instance increasing the antidepressant can make a person with both disorders go into a hyper-manic phase. The hardest part is knowing that even though the medication can control the symptoms most of the time but not always and there will always be an episode at some point.

Anyway during this particular episode i have been extremely out of it, so please excuse my spelling and grammer and spelling. i borrowed $8000.00to have a breast augmentation which i hate now, and I am now back to blonde... but "I don't know how to get it back to good".


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    • christalluna1124 profile image

      christalluna1124 6 years ago from Dallas Texas


      Thank you my friend. I always treasure your input input

      in my hubs.I am sorry that it sometimes takes me awhile to get around to answering my comments. lately has been hard. Like the Bipolar, type A personality that i am i have taken on the job of Director of a prison reform group called CURE. It is alot of work and I am a bit overwhemled. I do meditation and relaxation daily, and I also pray daily that is what gets me through most of the hard times. I know that even though i faithfully take my meds i will still have ocassional episodes like this. But there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

      God bless you my friend,


    • pmccray profile image

      pmccray 6 years ago from Utah

      Not being a doctor the only comment I feel qualified to give is that your writing is a sort of therapy.

      As a Christian I can suggest that you seek some counseling in whatever your belief system or try meditation. There are some great hubs written recently on the subject. Since I'm not in your shoes and can't relate I hesitate to diagnose.

      Keep writing down your thoughts or read over your previous writings maybe they hold the key to the "good" you. Peace to you my friend.