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Battling Chaos

Updated on September 21, 2011

As the sun rises and warmth fills the Earth, darkness descends upon my soul. A cold wind blows upon my heart filling my being with a dread to face existence. Have I finally "snapped"? This just may be.

Everywhere I turn there is chaos. A chaos I endured while my wife was alive and could hug and kiss the pains goodbye. I have that no more.

My knees hurt from the amount I am on them praying to a God who I think is not listening.

Why has he allowed me to be at this point where I look at the sleeping pills on the shelf and consider a bears hibernation.

There are those who speak caring words and in the next sentence make you realize they were just a recording that really has no meaning.

There are those who truly feel sympathy,but know not how to help. Really, how can they even help a man that knows not how to help himself?

Was, and is it all worth it? It seems not so.

Why This Agony

My life is an utter mess.

I fought a very difficult battle in Lebanon, Missouri for justice for my Grandson who was killed by my daughter's ex-boyfriend. No justice served and chaos was started. Our house burned; more chaos. We moved to the St. Louis area and then my wife dies and Barnes/Jewish hospital of St. Peters, Missouri could have saved her. More chaos. Attorneys say I have a case, but none will take it; more chaos. Bills come and pile; more chaos.

Please Lord, take the chaos from me; but You are not listening are You?

Do You hate me?

Oooh, I can hear all of you now; How can you ask God such things? Why not?

When every step I make seems to be a brick wall, I must cry out. Heck, just trying to report to the Missouri Board of Healing Arts cannot be done, because their system will not allow the complaint e-mail to go through.

Many tell me that I should just have faith; just grin and bare it.

Yea, there are people in worse shape I am sure, but that still doesn't help.

I was born in America where I thought that we would have fair treatment and justice will be true. We have had neither.

Like Martin Luther King, I once had a dream. That dream has become a nightmare and the demons attack me from all sides within it.

Well, the time gets close for me to go to work. I must, for I have to raise enough to file bankruptcy.

The chaos is winning. I am weak and my battle cry has turned into a whimper.Will I endure? Who knows?

I dream of a distant time when love and life was everything. When Jonda and I strolled hand-in-hand with the chaos fleeing from us. Can I have her back please? GOD, please?

Please Don't

For those that may think I may "hurt" myself, you don't know me very well. Please don't assume such a thing.

I have found that writing what is going on inside me creates some relief. No relief that your or any one else could give by talking with me.

Maybe, you find some of what I wrote offensive or wrong in your moral standards. That is your issue, please don't make it mine. I have enough chaos, I really don't need yours too.

I apologize if I seem mean and hateful today, but feelings are feelings. I release them this way, but at least I release them.

Do you feel a need to help? Contact attorneys and the Missouri Board of Healing Arts. Tell the world why David Olson should be in prison.

How would you react if your close family members were killed in abnormal ways and nothing done?

I have had people tell me to let go and let God and in the next sentence they tell me God cannot do everything for me, I need to step up myself. Sounds like an oxymoron if I have heard one.

With that, I leave this hub with a song that I feel fits this whole thing. I will crawl back in my hole now.


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    • profile image

      revivor 6 years ago

      hey froggy - a word from the Lord: Like Job of old, don't try and work it out, just cry at the top of your voice above the obvious chaos: "I know that my Redeemer lives..."

    • kimh039 profile image

      Kim Harris 6 years ago

      Yikes! I can't even begin to imagine the pain! I am so, so, very sorry, Froggy. And I'm really glad you were able to share what's going on in spite of how others might judge you. Thanks for that.

    • dallas93444 profile image

      Dallas W Thompson 6 years ago from Bakersfield, CA

      Resiliency... You earned it. Flag up!

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 6 years ago from Wales

      Hi froggy,

      Writing does ease the burden and I hope that writing has eased yours somewhat.

      I can understand what you say about writing being the only way that you can find relief.

      I found great relief through my writing and I'm afraid that 'speaking' to someone would not have worked.

      it just isn't for me.

      Hang on in there froggy, there will be bad days but also there are good days.

      Thank you for sharing your feelings with us and take care

      God Bless you.


    • profile image

      Christopher 6 years ago

      "And because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold. But he who endures to the end shall be saved." - Matthew 24:12-13 NKJV

      Endure, my friend . . . endure to the end.