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Been gone for awhile
The beginning of the end
The past two or three months have been hell or worse. That is the devastating effect of bipolar disorder and it's extreme highs and lows. It can only be described as the wildest, most intoxicating of europhoia and the deepest and blackest of depressions. Once caught up in the game you are powerless to escape its grip. The ride is a desent into the depths of hell.
Been gone awhile? The question is spoken with a beguiling innocence, but hides the ulterior motive we know exists. "Gone awhile" is another way of asking politely if you have been in the hospital, the mental hospital or just in isolation. But I realize that it is an accurate description of this extreme phase of my illness. I don't know when I left, two or three months ago... if it was actually physical absence or gone in my mind. But anyway I have been gone awhile.
I didn't feel myself slipping away. It was just like all the sudden I wasn't here anymore. No writing articles, no journal entries, not a sign of life in the shell of a body that I once occupied. No laughter, no tears, no joy, no emotion. Just sheer utter blackness that I couldn't tear my way out of, so dark, so thick, I didn't have the energy to even try. This is called the flat affect. No feelings, no emotions....just the emptiness that is being GONE.
I don't know where. They tell me I was distant. Sitting or lying for hours without moving or saying a word, my face a blank, my eyes a vacant stare. I don't remember. Days, weeks and months spent in exile from the world and everything in it. I didn't want to come back. The refrain of a song runs through my mind "Baby, Baby, stay...right where you are...I like it this way, its good for my heart".
Recurrent thoughts of suicide float through my mind... a peace and calm envelopes me. How nice to just drift away and stay gone. Who would miss me?? Anyone?? Who would care?? I can't think...focus..remember. I don't care at this point. My meds are adjusted, several times, to no avail. Nothing or no one can reach me. I'll be gone for awhile.
In this period of maddness, my mind fails me, my intellect and knowledge are virtually absent in this existence. You can't forget because you don't remember. The good times, the bad times, people you love, people you hate... all gone. Nothing left but you and your mind in the endless dance of seduction, anger, irritability and nothingness.
I just want to be "Gone for awhile". I guess I was, mentally, physically and emotionally GONE.
After weeks and months of spiraling, you awake and see the sunshine, smell the rain, feel the blood run through your veins. In this moment of sudden lucidity, you know you are still alive. All the people and things that were once important to you are once again there. You suddenly realize you have lost time in this circus that you have for a life. Everyone hovers close, caring, curious and hopeful. The desire to be suddenly, permenately gone has passed. I can even manage a smile.
Little by little, I find myself coming to life, coming home. I manage to write again a few short articles, a few journal entries... I begin to worry about my writing scores, my meds, the things that are important when I am normal, or as close to normal as I can get. The weight on my shoulders isn't as heavy... the pain isn't as intense. There is even a glimpse of happiness in the distance. I have finally made it home, one more time. This time I was lucky, I conquered the demons inside me and found my way back.
A tear slides down my cheek...I cry for the time I have lost, the things I have missed in my absence.
I've been gone for awhile...its good to be back.