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Build The Northern Wall! Bar Canadian Terrorists Forever!

Updated on March 26, 2009

At a recent Brookings Institution Symposium, U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano stated that the days when Americans and Canadians moved back and forth across the border "as though there's not a border at all," are over. "It's a real border, and we need to address it as a real border," Ms. Napolitano said, calling on both Americans and Canadians to accept this "change of culture."

Ms. Napolitano spent most of her life within a stone's throw of the Mexican border and thus she is well acquainted with how to tackle the problems of a lawless and violent country across a line from the United States of America. This is a much delayed and rightful policy from the Department of Homeland Security, especially in light of the huge death toll in the Mexican Drug Wars. The completion of the US - Mexico Wall cannot be completed soon enough and it leaves any rational person to wonder when the Northern Wall will be finalized to seal off the porous US - Canada border, one which freely allows the passage of countless drug runners and terrorists every hour of every day.

The bloody narcotics-fueled chaos leading to 1,600 dead in the border town of Ciudad Juarez is a drop in the bucket as compared to the violent anarchy in the border town of Estevan, Saskatchewan, where more than twice as many deer were dispatched with high powered rifles last year. And to demonstrate that the Canadian gun violence is much worse, the majority of those shot to death were actually eaten! At least in Ciudad Juarez they don't use drug mules in their burritos!

And what about the terrorists in Notre-Dame-du-Lac, Quebec? What would at first glance seem to be a sleepy little town near the border is actually a terrorist training center, preparing the Gallic Jihad to conduct attacks against Ashland, Washburn, and Caribou, Maine, in an evil plot to bring those fine American towns to their knees by gassing the citizens with their chain smoking of DuMauriers and forcing them to speak French, or rather Cheval! Tabernac!

Secretary Napolitano must also have read the 200 page report on the violation of the US Canada border last week by a 30 year old man who jumped into the Niagara River and went over the falls, the buffeting of the water leading him to enter and re-enter the United States a total of 67 times without consulting a Customs Officer or showing proper biometric identification!

The busy border crossings of the Niagara Frontier must be the first places to build the wall which must have its eastermost terminus at Eastport, Maine and stretch westwards, through the middle of the Great Lakes, and then along the 49th Parallel all the way to Point Roberts, Washington! What better infrastructure project to put Americans to work during a Great Recession - Depression than in building a wall that would stretch 3,987 miles long? And once construction was finalized, the workers could continue their employment as armed guards atop the wall, manning gun positions every 100 feet along the wall and picking off any Canadians who approached the wall with intent to harm the United States of America... such intent, of course, by the sole determination of the American guard pulling the trigger.

The Wall could be just the beginning: Although a pre-emptive nuclear strike against Toronto or Vancouver could cause fallout to spread south onto Americans, the Pentagon should seriously consider dropping some strategic nuclear weapons on Edmonton, as not only is it far north enough to keep most of the fallout away from Montana to the south, but it would have the beneficial effect of destroying one of the primary bases of Canadian terrorists, who regularly meet in the Wave Pool in the West Edmonton Mall to plot the violent overthrow of the rightful government of the United States.

Given the massive terrorist attacks on US soil originating in Canada which have taken a toll in the millions of innocent Americans since 9/11, this decision is well overdue. The primary responsibility of the Department of Homeland Security is to prevent the pernicious Canadian drug lords and suicide bomber guerillas from further damaging the United States of America, and ensuring that the tenets that the great nation was based upon: With Liberty For All, are preserved for posterity.

God Bless America! Death To Canadians!

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    • Herald Daily profile image

      Herald Daily 

      9 years ago from A Beach Online

      This is so hilariously sad.  Perhaps they should just go ahead and put a dome over the country.  That would keep the evil Canadians and their toques out!  Let's not forget about the beavers, moose and such that go back and forth between countries.  They could be Canadian covert operations of some kind.  A diabolical plot to sneak guns and drugs across the border.

      Gee, and I thought the wall that they're building in Arizona was such a stupid idea.  This one makes much more sense - NOT.

      Love your writing, Hal!

    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      9 years ago from Toronto

      Lorne Greene (Ben Cartwright in Bonanza, Commander Adama in the first Battlestar Galactica), William Shatner (The first Captain Kirk in Star Trek, Denny Crane in Boston Legal), Rich Little (Legendary impressionist and comedian), Leslie Nielsen (The Naked Gun and Airplane movies), Robert Goulet (One of the best theatrical singers of the 60s thru 80s), Mike Myers (Austin Powers, many more), Michael J. Fox (Back To The Future, Family Ties), Howie Mandel (Deal Or No Deal), Keanu Reeves (Matrix). There! you've now been formally educated in the stealthy terrorist infiltrators' profiles! :)

    • Misha profile image

      Misha 

      9 years ago from DC Area

      LOL out of that list I recognized only Celine, Avril, and Pam. Go figure...

    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      9 years ago from Toronto

      Misha: Yes, it's sad how those evil Canadians have infiltrated every level of American society. First they started with respectable, upstanding citizens who were so outwardly American that no one would suspect their true origins: Lorne Greene, William Shatner, Rich Little, Leslie Nielsen, and Robert Goulet. Then they became brazen and graduated to blatant operatives as Mike Myers, Michael J. Fox, Howie Mandel, Keanu Reeves, and Celine Dion. Now they have taken the final step in a pre-emptive strike upon the United States of America by unleashing Avril Lavigne to corrupt our youth, and Pam Anderson to corrupt our family values. Awake, American public, to this clear and present danger which will descend upon this country like a frigid, lethal Canadian cold front! Fight the Canuck Menace before it is too late! :)

      Tom Rubenoff: It does seem that as soon as an empire builds walls it rots from the inside. Excellent observation! Thanks!

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image

      Tom Rubenoff 

      9 years ago from United States

      This is very bold and very good. Worthy of a publication like the Onion.

      It's funny, though, when you think of the major world powers that have built walls, what has become of them? China's great wall did not keep the Huns out, Hadrian's Wall in Britain did not prevent the fall of the Roman Empire, and the Berlin wall came crashing down with the U.S.S.R. I think we might be wiser not to start down that path.

    • Misha profile image

      Misha 

      9 years ago from DC Area

      ROFLMAO! It's hysterical! And sad...

    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      9 years ago from Toronto

      Great! Now repeat after me in a mighty chant which will be heard clear across the Wall!

      Death To Canadians!

      Death To Canadians!

      Death To Canadians!

      :)

      (P.S. To anyone who is dense enough to misunderstand: Since I AM a Canadian, that's a joke... ok?)

    • Christa Dovel profile image

      Christa Dovel 

      9 years ago from The Rocky Mountains, North America

      I skimmed this the other day when you first published it, and wondered what news I had missed... ROTFL! Glad I took the time to actually read it!

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