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Choosing the Next President

Updated on October 31, 2008

How to Choose Your New President


As the United States presidential election approaches, you may be facing the same dilemma as millions of American voters: who should you vote for? Now that we owe our collective soul to China, are manufacturing almost no products and growing even less food, more voters than ever are inclined to pass up the ballot for the bar. However, you can't drink your problems away. Believe me, I've tried. No, you're better off facing the fact that we've become a nation of paper-pushing, money-grubbing, SUV-driving, fat, lazy, ignorant, planet-polluting slobs who are totally dependent on the rest of the world, living in a country that still exists only because the rest of the world is afraid of it. Overcoming denial is the first step to recovery. Once again, believe me, I know.

The second step is overcoming apathy. It will only matter who is president if enough people care. Therefore you must play your part. Clearly, you must vote, but for whom? Should you vote for the one with too much experience, or the one with not enough? These are hard questions that demand radical methods to resolve.

Method 1: Lists

Make a plus-and-minus list for each candidate. Any criteria will do. My criteria would look something like this:

  • Comic Value
  • Looks
  • Speaking Voice

I would rate each candidate on a scale of 1 to 5, for example.

It's short, I know, but this is what I care about. I take it for granted that whoever gets into office will promptly throw the American people under the bus so that they can help their personal friends and themselves. What matters to me: will the successful candidate provide adequate material for Conan O'Brien?

Method 2: Games of Chance

Obviously, since there are two candidates, a coin toss would be the most logical choice, heads they win, tails you lose. But perhaps flipping a coin is too flippant for this weighty and urgent decision. Afterwards, like a low rent rendezvous terminated well before the regrets of dawn, you may feel that you didn't spend enough time or take enough care. Never mind that once they are in office, it may feel like a low rent rendezvous that lasts way too long. You want to feel that you at least put some quality time and effort into your decision, however demoralizing the eventual outcome. At least then you can say that it wasn't because you didn't try.

To add some faux sincerity to the process of deciding, I suggest you use something a little more time consuming and perhaps with a little inherent danger involved, like blindfolded darts. Place the name of each candidate in several different (but equal) locations on the target. Stand a good distance away in a room cleared of innocent bystanders and fragile items and fire away with the darts. Record the results. Repeat this process twice more. By the end you should have a clear winner.

An advantage to blindfolded darts is that you can imagine if you like that some higher power has gotten involved in the trajectory of the darts bringing about a preordained conclusion. Then you can feel free to feel that it is actually the will of Fate, or Santa Claus, or whomever, and not your fault at all should your choice actually be elected and turn out to be not a very desirable choice after all.

Method 3: Let Someone Else Decide

I am a lucky man because my wife is going to tell me how to vote and I am going to vote the way she tells me to. I feel great. No pressure to be moral or knowledgeable. What could be better?

If you have no significant other to tell you for whom you should vote, or, worse, your significant other is expecting you to tell her or him, there are plenty of other people who would be glad to help you out. The country is packed tight with political experts, from Rush Limbaugh and Al Franken to the barista who rings up your coffee at Starbucks. Listen to the radio or watch your TV to get corporate America's preference. Read the conservative and liberal op ed columnists in the papers and try to figure out which is more full of baloney.

Ask anybody. They're bound to know more than you, right? They must have weighed the choices, studied the facts, and prioritized the issues. Why do all that work when someone else has already done it for you?

I hope my ideas will help you decide, and all kidding aside ... GET OUT THERE AND VOTE!


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    • trish1048 profile image

      trish1048 9 years ago

      You're very welcome.

      I tend to believe that, because, after all, we are the people who vote these candidates in, so, in that sense, I guess we can say it is our fault as well.  And, in my opinion, once they are elected, they like to play the blame game.  It's the previous candidate's fault that the government is in such a mess.  Granted, each of them have made mistakes, but what bothers me is that these new candidates make so many promises about how they're going to fix the problems that were left behind.  I'm sure there have been successes, but more often than not, we keep going down the same slippery slope.  We're then left with a new mess, or worse.

      I also believe there is a great deal of apathy in this country.  People walking around saying to themselves, what's the sense?  My vote won't matter.  That's where they are wrong.  That kind of thinking leaves the political zealots to do the voting, so the same incompetent people serve more than one term. 

      I can only hope and pray that whoever gets in does a great job and makes our country a force to be reckoned with and the shining star it once was.

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image

      Tom Rubenoff 9 years ago from United States

      Thank you, Trish, for the compliments. We tend to blame the president for problems we ourselves create. I don't think the president matters quite as much as we are led to believe.

    • trish1048 profile image

      trish1048 9 years ago

      I definitely like your writing style.  Your take on the political climate is very refreshing. 

      I believe no matter who gets in, we're in trouble, so, as you so eloquently state, it comes down to the lesser of two evils, and therein, lies the rub.  No matter who it is, we, as a country, are supposed to support our president.  How does one support either of these candidates?  In my opinion, they are both in it for their own agenda and to hell with what the country wants or needs.  All I can say is we're in for a long, bumpy road.

      I'm making an appointment to get new heavy duty shocks on my small truck and will pray I can hold on for the ride. Maybe I'll put my trusted mechanic's name on the ballot :)

      Wonderful hub and thanks for sharing.

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image

      Tom Rubenoff 9 years ago from United States

      ha, perfect

    • profile image

      mspace • NYC 9 years ago

      Yeah, and paper-pushing takes work . . .

    • profile image

      wahdey • NYC 9 years ago

      Hey! I do NOT own an SUV.