City of My Soul, Remembering.
Always A Place Somewhere for Remembering
A Beginning, Worth the Remembering
Back then the old shops of glory weren’t in the malls yet. Big corner stores like Sears and JC Penny’s and The Bon Marche were on the mighty cornerstones of the hub of the city. Banks and places to eat. The local newspaper, the county courthouse, the jail, the library, the cobblestone buildings, then the waterfront. So much history with every footstep, back and forth, no me, know me, show me, safe place to hide.
One block from another, as different as night and day. You could walk all the financial district in a couple blocks, spend a whole lunch hour in the old stores. Like candy, just out of reach, unless you work for it, earn your reward.
The hospitals of two both with water views, gave assurance this city takes care of you. I drove back and forth for hours every day, from the home that I was leaving to where I could not say.
Only knew this was where I was supposed to go, something called intuition, synchronicity, serendipity, faith, one last chance, desperation. Whatever emotion flipped the lid, grabbed the ring, ran with it.
The new job was fascinating, the biggest one I had found, following through on the faith of a loving and trusted friend that took my hand and said way back when. No matter how long it takes, never give up on yourself and go until you make it.
The nights were spent in trying to sleep and get the stress down, so I could turn around and drive the hours again. The thrill of going up the hills with all the lights green was a wonderful thing when shifting a three speed.
Don’t know if it was need or greed, it was harder going back, how to get the children here? Lord have mercy, of the trauma going on at home, where’s my tail, skunk attack.
Thankfully from some new working friends, I was given a choice that didn’t have such high hills around it. Some violence, no way to explain. Doesn’t matter how, doesn’t matter why, last chance for survival.
Tearing in two again, had to leave there, was a tear in my eye. I will make enough money to get you out of this place.
Stay with us awhile, she said, you can’t find a place to live on your lunch break, you don’t know where anything is. All in a days work.
Try it, then come back and tell me you don’t like it, don’t want it. She was my counselor, my mentor, and took care of my family in a way I was incapable of. I knew I could trust her to do that, I knew she would. I miss her now, our love forever stood.
Remembering Our Stories
Following A Dream
Alone again, I walked to my old favorite spots. Glad to see the old bakery still there, where people say you can talk to me. Now, I need a cup of coffee.
Get your camera out, the old buildings are still there, though most of the names have changed. I brought my camera along, there isn’t high sky scrapers, but the way they loom up from the water in this tiny little hub of industry has always intrigued me. It isn’t the biggest city in this state by far, but it became a special city to me.
I left my home, my young children, my home, my family, to follow a dream. To gain us a more productive living, to be close to mountain and sea. To build a career and let the pain go, love was gone, but we had a history. It was synchronicity.
The jobs up there were calling me. Why did I look that far away? Some answers leave you with nothing to say.. It worked for awhile the way I wanted it to, then it worked out the way it was supposed to. It got me to this city on a hill that I only knew one way, that I found by driving on the freeway, I fell in love as soon as I saw the mountains looming up one side and the all mighty river glowing on the other.
When I heard the eagles before I saw them in the Evergreens, I knew I was home. The place I was to work was within walking distance of a superb view of both. How lucky we feel.
Sharing the Memories
I stroll once again in the twilight, there is something magical about a city at night.
I feel the pulse of old memories, coming back, is it fright or delight? The city is the same in many ways, in others nothing is the same to my sight.
It wasn’t my destination to day as I left the house to write. I felt it was time to go someplace I hadn’t been in a while. Out in nature and all that jazz. My destination was unknown.
The farther I drove on the freeway, the more traffic began to pile up around me, then the next thing I knew, I was listening to the voice saying, exit here in Evergreen, to your old world, to the downtown you fell in love with.
To the city that gave you another chance. To a tremendous change, that led to a perfect dance.
I was still listening to a meditation CD, I know, not supposed to while driving. I didn’t close my eyes. If you pay attention, and listen to nature and the animals properly, it is very soothing and relaxing, or maybe that is why Evergreen called to me when I came out of the trees.
Downtown Evergreen, so pretty in that first season of lights, of hope, of prosperity. Evergreen, full of possibilities, back with the children. You sweet city of dreams, lights, sky, river, and trees, were and still are there for me.
I haven’t walked all alone these streets in a really long time. I don’t know what triggered the memories, exactly. Maybe it was finding the other coffee spot. Maybe it was walking around the block. The street names are still the same, where all the houses in Evergreen stood regal and pretty, letting us dream. Where the city and the freeway meet.
Turn around in the sunset the steep mountainous hills I climbed from the water front. Freedom rang in my heart again as the muscles in my legs thanked me for the motion the memories of one of the best times in their life for my body being in shaped. Yes, we loved finding running trails hidden in this city. the smells of Industry. Companies along the free way. Yes, we belonged here, you and me, the children, the blue sky. No longer a reason why.
Remembering What We Were Promised
This city helped me, with all the people in it, most of them were strangers, who some how became friends. As we met together, worked together and licked our wounds in those healing rooms. Then, we walked in darkness, looking for our homes. Finally, trusting we could be alone, and safe, if we stayed in the rooms and listened. When we made our own decisions often enough. Where we found again, people we could trust. Until we could again, trust ourselves. Looking for the way of life we had been promised. Who? What? Where? When? Love.
I often in the dark alleys got down on my knees and prayed, "Where am I supposed to be"? Sitting in the park, looking at the stars, people are not enough.
"Doesn't matter, you are a people too."
"Don't want to be."
"That is okay too, we still love you."
"Love?" "I do not trust love."
"Someday you will, IF you keep coming back."
Stay with me awhile, the city of Evergreen seemed to say. I found ways to explore every inch of her. A city bus goes a long way. Rivers and streams, little spaces in between, little suburbs of families, but even living right smack in the city had a sense of safety to me.
Open, fresh air, the smell of the river, moving fast, singing, don’t worry, the pain won’t last. Hills and mountains, for me to explore. Work, work, work, and work some more.
All these little homes on the hill, all these one way streets, but look they all have yards. Everything we need is oh so close. Look at this wonderful park, right in the middle of the block.
I dream of you every night my little ones. I rush home to you and hold you in my arms and whisper promises none of us understand. We promise each other one by one, we will never stop loving each other, no matter what.
No matter what the word is, we will find the feeling that fits. The feelings that heal us, love us.
Returning of my Soul
Oh Evergreen, you helped me remember, oh Evergreen, you helped me forget, as I rode the city buses around and worked. As I looked for another home. As I found the one within walking distance, stores just down the hill, yes, no longer alone. A home to call our own. It was fun and good exercise to go down to the store, or ride the metro as far as it would go. Didn’t mind, I knew it would come full circle and bring me back to where I began. Not quite the life I had planned. I love you always, no longer afraid, I know how to take care of myself. I know how to take care of you.
So return my soul, I remember hating you for loving me, too much time to think, too much time to see, too much time to think about what once was, for love I have always wanted but may never be. I remember the feeling of no longer searching, I had found my destiny. Would I ever be again without a tear in my eye? We will see, we will see. We are living again now, no longer dead. We believe.
Remembering I Had No Home
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- City Of My Soul, When Life Changes Us.
It isn’t the biggest city in this state by far, but it became a special city to me. There isn’t high sky scrapers. The buildings loom up from the water in this tiny little hub of industry.
A City With A River
© 2014 Maree Michael Martin