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Class Warfare and Occupy Wall Street: How Could I Have Been So Envious?

Updated on February 15, 2013

A Tribute to the Richest Americans

I have come to my senses, indeed the Evangelicals, trickle down enthusiasts, and bloodthirsty neo-conservatives were right all along. I must confess, I'm envious of the wonderful rich people of this nation and their infinite wisdom. How could I have succumbed to the stereotypes of class warfare? I must apologize. . . Apparently I've been brainwashed and led astray. I must now accept reality; that the richest Americans are hard working and deserve every ounce of wealth that they have achieved. Let us examine how these productive people innovatively accumulated their wealth. Oh, how I wish I thought of it!

First, they were able to take out unrestricted loans with no limitation; to the tune of up to 11 trillion USD. Why didn't I think of that? Ordinary people are clearly slacking off, instead of whining and being envious, we should have thought of taking out 11 trillion dollars’ worth of loans, right?

On top of that they got a killer deal! The loans were sent out at 0.25% interest! Do I hear lamenting in the background?! Please stop; please be considerate to our rich friends! Class warfare is wrong! If you worked hard wheeling and dealing, instead of collecting unemployment insurance and living a hog life, then you too could have received trillion dollar loans at 0.25% interest!

How did they get the 11 trillion in the first place you ask? Well, they came up with this creative concept; it's called the Federal Reserve. Basically, they printed money for themselves. Please, stop whining! Do you want Jesus to smite you? That's what my Republican "friends" say will happen to nasty communists. People need to stop being envious of the rich. Use that positive thinking, your law of attraction, and start listening to Dave Ramsey dimwit! You too can build a Federal Reserve if you just work hard enough! If you just believe in the divine power of self, don't worry, you won't get arrested for counterfeiting.

The rich then took that 11 trillion worth in loans, at 0.25% interest, and shoved them into government bonds that yield 2-3% interest. Sheer brilliance! I can't help but to admire the great ingenuity by America's wealthiest men! I'm so inspired by the genius of these gods. . . Sorry, my tongue slipped a bit there, I meant men; that I've come up with my own brilliant stimulus package to save the economy!

DonDWest, Dictator of the World Stimulus Package:

  • Hand me over 11 trillion dollars
  • Get the Federal Reserve to print the money for me
  • I'll give the people 0.5% interest, hey, compared to the other guys, it's a steal!
  • Rather than waste it on bonds, I'll put it in stocks.
  • I know what you're thinking, American stocks are not very valuable right about now. So I'll sock the money in foreign stocks.
  • How will that improve the American economy? Well, you see, I'll take 1 trillion of that 11 trillion to build tons of American foreign stock exchanges ran by automated computers. Therefore, the stocks will fall under an American name and with American management (me). Well, half American management because I'm a half bred Canadian citizen.
  • When all is said and done, I project the DOW Jones will reach 20,000!
  • Oh by the way, you have my full confidence that this will trickle down to the people. I swear it! After all, I'm nicknamed the "rain maker." I'm a kind philanthropist who can't wait to shower the needy masses with cash! I'm such a nice guy!
  • As a contingency measure, I could always use a few spare billions here and there to build more nuclear weapons. Just in case other nations get any funny ideas, such as eliminating the USD as the world's reserve currency. . .

What's the crying in the background I hear? Jobs, jobs, jobs! Sheesh, you pathetic people are so demanding! Cut the entitlement mentality! Student loans? Stop asking for handouts! Why, when I was your age, adjusted for inflation, I had to pay a whole ham sandwich for my college education! And trust me; it was one hell of a damn good ham sandwich!

Come on, surely you want a 20,000 DOW Jones? It's unpatriotic to state otherwise! After all, being on the leaderboard for pretty numbers that don't mean anything is our business! Surely, a 20,000 DOW Jones gives you a serious erection?!

-Donovan D. Westhaver


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    • profile image

      oldandwise 6 years ago

      Excellent hub.

    • kelbethc profile image

      kelbethc 6 years ago from Rural Indiana

      Great hub, wonderful!

    • progressivist profile image

      progressivist 6 years ago

      Brilliant sendup!

    • QualityContent profile image

      QualityContent 6 years ago

      Excellent hub!

    • gmwilliams profile image

      Grace Marguerite Williams 6 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

      This is an excellent critique of our current system. Good job.