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Dominion Life News at the RNC, featuring Tex Shelters

Updated on August 27, 2012
RNC, Tampa 2012
RNC, Tampa 2012 | Source

Howdy, Patriots! I’m Tex Shelters, broadcasting from the Dominion Life Broadcast Studios inside the Tampa Convention Center. I am so excited for the country today, for today we start our crusade to save America from impending socialism. And if we fail, God will come and take the holy and damn the sinners in a conflagration that will make the 10 plagues of Egypt seem like a Tea Party, so to speak. It’s a win-win for us. Armageddon or Romney. You decide America.

We have a panel of celebrated Republicans on the air with us the day before the Republican National Convention to select Mitt Romney as the candidate for President.

First, we have birther extraordinaire and radio personality, Orly Taitz. From Minnesota, Muslim hunter, Michele Bachman. From Missouri was have Todd “legitimate rape” Akin. We also have former GOP candidate and Godfather’s Pizza mogul, Herman Cain and Christine, “still not a witch” O’Donnell.

We invited Dr. Ron Paul to join the panel on the condition that he not talk about military spending, the Federal Reserve or the bank bailouts, and he declined to appear.

Let’s start with the obvious, Panel, will Obama ever show his long form birth certificate? Orly?

Taitz: Tex, I don’t know why he won’t. Obama will talk about unemployment, housing and education but avoids the crucial issue of his birth certificate.

(Panel nods)

O’Donnell: Yes, we need to know, and we also need to know if he’s a witch or not. He has yet to deny being a witch, like I did in 2010.

Tex: True enough, I think we have consensus here. Now, why won’t Obama attack Iran. Mr. Cain?

Cain: Well, I think we need to ask our generals on the ground in Iran about whether we should enter Iran or not.

Tex: Representative Bachmann?

Bachmann: Well, Obama is so far penetrated by the Muslim Brotherhood that if he wasn’t a Muslim before, he is one now. And he won’t attack his Muslim brothers in Iran.

Tex: Well put, Representative Bachmann. So panel, what issues do you think Governor Romney should focus on in his acceptance speech? Mr. Cain?

Cain: Well, as you know, stupid people are running America, so why not us? The job creators are nervous and while the 1% have paid historically low taxes for the last ten years, we’re insecure. So Romney needs to make the job creators more secure by codifying tax cuts for the 1%. Then, we can finally create all those jobs we’ve been promising.

Akin: And we should stop funding rape abortions.

Tex: And where do you stand on taxes, Representative Akins?

Akin: No tax payer funded abortions, ever, and we need to have tax exemptions for right to life organizations…

Bachmann: The Democrats want to kill all white babies by forcing women to have abortions…

Tex: Let’s get back to Governor Romney’s speech. What else should he focus on?

Akin: Vaginas. Romney needs to keep the GOP focus on vaginas.

Taitz: Did Obama even come out of a vagina?

Cain (cutting in): Yes, yes, I like vaginas too, but Governor Romney needs to address the overburdened corporations, all the regulations being pushed on us and all the taxes we have to pay. While running Godfather’s Pizza, we paid taxes, unlike GE. Why can’t all corporations avoid taxes like GE?

Tex: Good point. Representative Bachman?

Bachmann: As you know, I have been on a crusade trying to get Muslims out of our government, and I suggest that Romney tell the people about the list of secret Muslims running the government from the inside and that Muslims, and gays, will no longer be accepted in the White House when he is elected.

Tex: Miss O’Donnell, what do you want to hear from Governor Romney?

O’Donnell: Romney needs to talk about gays in our military. Once you allow gays in the military, what’s next, goats? Being gay is adultery and lusting breaks your chastity so stop masturbating. Gays will just bring more lust into the military and ruin men before God can marry them.

Tex: Yes. Representative Bachmann, I know gays are a big part of your marriage.

Bachmann: Yes, my husband Marcus and I have shown that you can pray away the gays. I pray every day, Tex, and very few gays show up at my campaign events.

Tex: Yes, I also use prayer to pray away taxes and death.

Bachmann: See, anything is possible with prayer.

Tex: We’ve touched on some important topics here, but there is one I feel Romney needs to address, especially in Florida, and that’s immigration. As an immigrant from the former Soviet Union, I am sure you have some advice for Romney, Dr. Taitz?

Taitz: Well, in Missouri there are no illegal immigrants. So why doesn’t the U.S. do what Missouri does. And that Florida Senator Marco Rubio, is he really a citizen? He parents are Cuban, so who knows?

Cain: I still think we need that 20 foot electric fence on the border with Mexico. “"It's going to be 20 feet high. It’s going to have barbed wire on the top. It’s going to be electrified. And there’s going to be a sign on the other side saying, ‘It will kill you -- Warning.'" ”

Tex: Now that’s compasionate and conservative. Miss O’Donnell?

O’Donnell: Tex, so many immigrants are impure, with all their lustiness, and we must abstain.

Tex: Well, there you have it. I think we all agree that Romney should tell people to stop vaginas from illegally taking away money in the form of taxes from the job creators. Then Iran will back down and the economy will create jobs again.

I would like to thank the panel for joining us today. This has been Tex Shelters for Dominion life Broadcasting.

Peace,
Tex Shelters

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    • OldWitchcraft profile image

      OldWitchcraft 4 years ago from The Atmosphere

      Hysterically funny!