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Donnie Darko and the Throbbing, Raging, Man-Crush

Updated on October 12, 2016
Kremlin......Moscow time?.....Spartak Dynamo
Kremlin......Moscow time?.....Spartak Dynamo

Euro Trash Super Model after Euro Trash Super Model

[Pacing] Can't sleep. Can't sleep. Constant obsessive thoughts of Vladimir! [Slaps self hard] Vlad the Impaler! [grins to self] Very normal to have such urges! Most men do. Lyin' Ted does. Little Marco does. Certain of it. Cooper Anderson. Stop it! You're weak! What's he doing? Who's he with? State Duma, my ass! What time is it in Moscow? Does he ever think of me? Can't sleep. Check Linked In again. [spastic keyboard action - wrong letters typed]

[Snorts massive line} Mexican kids @ boarding school [Punches fist into hand, sniffs a lot] Offered to let them clean my room or trim hedges surrounding suite. Reached out to them. Scoffed and mocked me! Called me Donnie Doucheshorts! Who's scoffing now, Mexicans! [chopping with razor maniacally/ snorts line/ exhales like feral animal] Wall, pay, you, construct, higher, higher, block sun's rays, darkness, Tijuana. [Pupils dilated to pin-wheel size]

Negotiating with Vladimir! Imagine it! Musky scents. Must focus. Quit fantasizing. Art of the deal. [Cuts arm with razor] Hair looks like straw. I hate you! [hard slap to self] Bronzer - too much. Face is pruned, Why would Putin like you! [Punches own gut hard] Pathetic doucheshorts! Mexican kids right! [Slaps own face six times] Stop it! Stop it! Deny self-doubt! [Sobs, snot dripping] Third person reference. Donald J Trump. Use middle initial. JJJJJJJ. [throws water on face] Check text messages. Twitter. Nothing!

Tried making Muslim friends too. Reading Qur'an. They called me Donnie Muhammad. Laughed at my expense! Turbins, hijabs, snickering. [devours thick line in one deep snort, eyeballs roll in sockets] Total border denial! Try that, Abdul! Must conceal tendencies! [twelve hard face slaps] Stone age, bomb, exert, thrust.

I marry vapid Euro-trash super model after vapid Euro-trash super model and it makes no difference. [Pacing, gerbil on a treadmill, snorts yet another line]. Erectile dysfunction! No message from Vladimir P! [Flings phone.] Wish it was a flip phone, 2005-style. Angela Merkel - not hot. Vladimir - hot! Sizzling! Tight judo gut. [Another line - paces, bites nails]

Even Lyin' Ted knows, Little Marco knows,... Crooked Hillary knows - you bet your bottom ass dollar they know! Urges, urges. Suppress. Deny. Vladimir [cuts arm again, chops a line, checks phone] I know more about ISIS than the generals! My hands are so small! [Paces, trapped] Taxes being audited. Obama not a citizen [smacks face seven times, alternating sides]. Botox, Bosley for men, Viagra. Unleashed by Paul Ryan. No foxhole with McCain. I alone can fix this.

Tomorrow's episode: Donnie Darko and the Chamber of Inner Demons. [It won't be pretty - but it's good. Taboo. Carnal. Verbotten. Donnie at his Darkest. Don't miss it] The story you have just read is true. No names were changed. Don Trump has authorized me to write his biography. I will give you untold insight and access. Tomorrow, then :)

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