ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Easy Ways of Staying Fat Without Doing Any Work at All

Updated on May 23, 2020
To be the "old you," you have to avoid ads like this.
To be the "old you," you have to avoid ads like this.
You can, my friend, love food too much.
You can, my friend, love food too much.

A moment of change

One day during your 500 crunches, for some reason, you caught a glimpse of yourself in the full-length mirror. Without another crunch, you stopped, walked to the mirror and took a good, long look at yourself.

What a change in yourself. You were once breaking the bathroom scales at 300 pounds and now, after two years of tough exercise, disciplined-dieting, and paying a highly trained Caloric Spiritual Adviser around a thousand a month to give you a healthier-view of food, you now weigh in at a smooth, lean-looking 175. All of your clothes fit so neatly. Even your shoes look good on your smaller feet. Your girlfriend loves how you look. It's like she falls in love with you each time you take her out. But now she gets jealous at the other pretty girls who look admiringly at you when you two walk down the sidewalk.

Hey, is it dinner time yet?

This is not eating, but gorging.
This is not eating, but gorging.
If you are going to stay fat, this is another ad you need to avoid.
If you are going to stay fat, this is another ad you need to avoid.

Truth is what it is

Then your thinking turns to those two years again and this time, you think in realistic-terms of the sweat soaking your sweats when you would work-out seven nights a week for three hours, how you drove yourself like a cattle herd in your running regiment of ten miles seven mornings a week. And the food withdrawals. Man, those "demons" made you stay on a crisis line almost every night for starving for some of the food you loved since you were six. Tough, nerve-racking, and harsh are three ways you can describe this drastic weight loss you have achieved.

What happens next is beyond human or even cosmic reasoning. You felt it inside your spirit. You looked at "the new man" in the mirror and shouted, "No more! I am done!" And with that chilling-confession, you run downstairs to consume a large pizza, three Snickers bars, a few bowls of ice cream and a regular Coca-Cola. "Man, that was good," you say while a wave of relaxation washes over you.

Images of how not to diet

Welcome back

It was nice to reunite with your old flame: Food. You have really missed food. And food has missed you. But now things are going to be different. Your mind is made up. You are now determined to not be a physical wreck ever again--dodging your favorite restaurants, turning-down dinner inviations with friends. You are going back to the "old you," the you and you loved by following these . . .

Easy Ways to Stay Fat Without Doing Any Work at All

  • Get part-time jobs at your favorite restaurants and ask for the food that wasn't sold and was going to be thrown into the dumpster.
  • On your days off, you hide in the dumpsters behind the restaurants where you work and collect all of the uneaten food at the end of the day so you will never be without food to eat.
  • You learn how to use any flavor of ice cream as an eye-opener each morning. Plus four jelly-centered doughnuts for your fiber source. But you leave out coffee for you know that coffee isn't healthy for you.
  • You cleverly call your closest friends to ask if you can come over to talk-out a problem. But you call a half-hour before they have dinner knowing that you will be invited to eat with them.
  • You celebrate your return to your old food-gorging self by having a barbecue just for you and after a couple of hours of just "wolfing down" ribs, pork chops, burgers, hotdogs and steaks, you set fire to the huge stack of diet books, tapes, DVD's, and personal encouragement messages from Richard Simmons and the annoying poster that came free with his messages to you.
  • You experience a huge amount of embarrassment when your sexy girlfriend drops in to see you and finds you sitting in your living room floor in your briefs consuming box after box of fried chicken and not worrying where you toss the super-clean bones.
  • Your sexy girlfriend of over four years leaves you in tears. You are totally-free of female companionship and you laugh out loud at the upside of this break-up: When you go to dinner, you only have to pay for one dinner.
  • You take frequent looks at yourself in that full-length mirror to say hello to your old self, but now you see some weight coming back, so you go shopping for a completely-new wardrobe the next day and then go eat at your favorite restaurants to celebrate being overweight again.
  • Once, while you were consuming a couple of T-bone steaks and all the trimmings at your favorite steak restaurant, a couple walks up to your table with mouths open and manages to say, "Rob, what happened to you?" You just grin and put your hands in the air as a gesture of saying "so what?"
  • Before the stunned couple can leave, you tell them to start calling you by your old nick-name: "Rob GoodYear," as a reference to being a blimp.
  • You meet a new girl who is a hand model for food ads on television, and strike-up a relationship. Sure she has hair, eyes and a figure to die for, but what you love most about her is that she has this compelling-drive to eat all of the time. You call it "banquet at first bite," when you met her.
  • When you want fast-entertainment, you enter competitive eating contests and most of the time, you win.
  • Your hero is Adam Richman who used to be the star of "Man Vs. Food," on television. You think he is the coolest, most-talented person ever to appear on television.
  • When you go to the movies, you sit near the concession stand so you won't have to get up from those small theater seats to work your way to the lobby to buy snacks.
  • Your new slogan for life is "life is food," instead of "life is good."

Will you excuse me? It's time for lunch.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      6 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dear Cynthia,

      Thank you sincerely for your interesting comment. I know the system of drinking coffee like mad, working an 80-hour work week and sleeping just enough not to collapse and as for weight, I had none. I looked and felt great.

      Then as I grew older, as my life habits changed, so did my eating habits. And that may be the problem or solution in itself.

      This hub was an experiment to the "problem" side of the spectrum in other words, I am fat. I shall make a party of it and forget the fight of the calories.

      I think sometimes that my own writings might be my answer to it all.

      That sounds very self-centered, but it is not. I guarantee that.

      Hey, thanks for the visit. Come by anytime.

    • Cynthia Hoover profile image

      Cynthia Hoover 

      6 years ago from Newton, West Virginia

      I thoroughly enjoyed this hub! I have struggled with my weight for a long time. I find my problem is that I slip back into my old habit of only eating once a day, so by the time dinner rolls around I am starving!

      The bad part is I am a health nut in many ways lol, yet you can still get fat eating lean if you don't eat properly.

      I long for my younger days when I lived on coffee and it worked well. Once I had my son I swear the smell of food makes me gain weight lol.

      I really enjoyed this, gave me a bit of a kick-start to my afternoon! I hope all is well with you! Voted up!

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      6 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, Genna,

      Where have you been? I haven't heard from you in the longest time. Are things okay with you? I hope so.

      Thank you for your nice comment and do not worry. I had withdrawls switching from buttered to moderately-buttered popcorn.

      Whoever says or teaches that dieting is easy, LIED.

      LOL. Thanks and have a safe, peaceful night and visit with me anytime.

    • Genna East profile image

      Genna East 

      6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Lol. I got such a kick out of this. I diet, but have cheat days to offset my leaner days. On my CD, one the reasons I may opt for a movie is for that buttered popcorn at the concession counter. Popcorn and cheesecake are both my nemesis, but I love 'em.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      6 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dear Jeannieinabottle,

      Wow! Hip! Hip! Eat Today! What a sweet comment. If I said here that I love you would you get angry? Well don't. Frankly I was terrified when I hit the Publish Now button for I thought that a lot of you would get upset at me, but I am with YOU. It is far more relaxing to throw back a large chocolate milkshake with my feet up and then tackle some vanilla centered cookies. See? I am a cookie addict too.

      I love your comment. And you too.

      May God smile on you.

    • Jeannieinabottle profile image

      Jeannie Marie 

      6 years ago from Baltimore, MD

      I will tell you, I have been both overweight and underweight. You know what is more fun than exercise? Eating cake. You know what is tastier than salad? A big pile of cheese fries. I mean, zipping up my pants and not having to suck in my breath is nice, but it is also pretty overrated. Now, please excuse me while I eat some cookies and take a nap.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)