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Easy Ways of Staying Fat Without Doing Any Work at All

Updated on May 23, 2020
To be the "old you," you have to avoid ads like this.
To be the "old you," you have to avoid ads like this.
You can, my friend, love food too much.
You can, my friend, love food too much.

A moment of change

One day during your 500 crunches, for some reason, you caught a glimpse of yourself in the full-length mirror. Without another crunch, you stopped, walked to the mirror and took a good, long look at yourself.

What a change in yourself. You were once breaking the bathroom scales at 300 pounds and now, after two years of tough exercise, disciplined-dieting, and paying a highly trained Caloric Spiritual Adviser around a thousand a month to give you a healthier-view of food, you now weigh in at a smooth, lean-looking 175. All of your clothes fit so neatly. Even your shoes look good on your smaller feet. Your girlfriend loves how you look. It's like she falls in love with you each time you take her out. But now she gets jealous at the other pretty girls who look admiringly at you when you two walk down the sidewalk.

Hey, is it dinner time yet?

This is not eating, but gorging.
This is not eating, but gorging.
If you are going to stay fat, this is another ad you need to avoid.
If you are going to stay fat, this is another ad you need to avoid.

Truth is what it is

Then your thinking turns to those two years again and this time, you think in realistic-terms of the sweat soaking your sweats when you would work-out seven nights a week for three hours, how you drove yourself like a cattle herd in your running regiment of ten miles seven mornings a week. And the food withdrawals. Man, those "demons" made you stay on a crisis line almost every night for starving for some of the food you loved since you were six. Tough, nerve-racking, and harsh are three ways you can describe this drastic weight loss you have achieved.

What happens next is beyond human or even cosmic reasoning. You felt it inside your spirit. You looked at "the new man" in the mirror and shouted, "No more! I am done!" And with that chilling-confession, you run downstairs to consume a large pizza, three Snickers bars, a few bowls of ice cream and a regular Coca-Cola. "Man, that was good," you say while a wave of relaxation washes over you.

Images of how not to diet

Welcome back

It was nice to reunite with your old flame: Food. You have really missed food. And food has missed you. But now things are going to be different. Your mind is made up. You are now determined to not be a physical wreck ever again--dodging your favorite restaurants, turning-down dinner inviations with friends. You are going back to the "old you," the you and you loved by following these . . .

Easy Ways to Stay Fat Without Doing Any Work at All

  • Get part-time jobs at your favorite restaurants and ask for the food that wasn't sold and was going to be thrown into the dumpster.
  • On your days off, you hide in the dumpsters behind the restaurants where you work and collect all of the uneaten food at the end of the day so you will never be without food to eat.
  • You learn how to use any flavor of ice cream as an eye-opener each morning. Plus four jelly-centered doughnuts for your fiber source. But you leave out coffee for you know that coffee isn't healthy for you.
  • You cleverly call your closest friends to ask if you can come over to talk-out a problem. But you call a half-hour before they have dinner knowing that you will be invited to eat with them.
  • You celebrate your return to your old food-gorging self by having a barbecue just for you and after a couple of hours of just "wolfing down" ribs, pork chops, burgers, hotdogs and steaks, you set fire to the huge stack of diet books, tapes, DVD's, and personal encouragement messages from Richard Simmons and the annoying poster that came free with his messages to you.
  • You experience a huge amount of embarrassment when your sexy girlfriend drops in to see you and finds you sitting in your living room floor in your briefs consuming box after box of fried chicken and not worrying where you toss the super-clean bones.
  • Your sexy girlfriend of over four years leaves you in tears. You are totally-free of female companionship and you laugh out loud at the upside of this break-up: When you go to dinner, you only have to pay for one dinner.
  • You take frequent looks at yourself in that full-length mirror to say hello to your old self, but now you see some weight coming back, so you go shopping for a completely-new wardrobe the next day and then go eat at your favorite restaurants to celebrate being overweight again.
  • Once, while you were consuming a couple of T-bone steaks and all the trimmings at your favorite steak restaurant, a couple walks up to your table with mouths open and manages to say, "Rob, what happened to you?" You just grin and put your hands in the air as a gesture of saying "so what?"
  • Before the stunned couple can leave, you tell them to start calling you by your old nick-name: "Rob GoodYear," as a reference to being a blimp.
  • You meet a new girl who is a hand model for food ads on television, and strike-up a relationship. Sure she has hair, eyes and a figure to die for, but what you love most about her is that she has this compelling-drive to eat all of the time. You call it "banquet at first bite," when you met her.
  • When you want fast-entertainment, you enter competitive eating contests and most of the time, you win.
  • Your hero is Adam Richman who used to be the star of "Man Vs. Food," on television. You think he is the coolest, most-talented person ever to appear on television.
  • When you go to the movies, you sit near the concession stand so you won't have to get up from those small theater seats to work your way to the lobby to buy snacks.
  • Your new slogan for life is "life is food," instead of "life is good."

Will you excuse me? It's time for lunch.


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